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SUNSHINE65's Recent Blog Entries
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Tuesday, July 26, 2011
- I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
- I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
- I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down Walmart.
- If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
- Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
- I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
- The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
- I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
- The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
- I prefer to remain an enigma.
- My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
- I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
- I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
- I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
- I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source, exactly e*log(pi), of the clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
"I resent your insinuendoes."
"If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same."
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate." -- Dan Quayle
"If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave."
"We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report."
"Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository."
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough Boy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dill Dough, plus they had one in the Oven. Services were held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
I know...that's an oxymoron.
LIke:
Military intelligence
Jumbo shrimp
Baby grand
bad health
adult children
abundant poverty
clearly misunderstood
clever fool
lifetime guarantee
driveway
parkway
vegetarian meatball
free gift
pretty ugly
send me some more!
Friday, June 24, 2011
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
Oh my heavens!!! Not a nice man! I hope you are having a great Friday! Enjoy your weekend!!! 
Dear Fried!!!
