Sunday, March 23, 2014
Authorities in Wisconsin are searching for the owner of a kangaroo after it was caught walking around outside in the frigid weather. That's got to be frustrating for the kangaroo. Walking around in freezing weather, knowing you have a pocket, but your hands are too short to put them in it. --Jay Leno
Japanese Sumo wrestling officials may start allowing wrestlers now to wear pants. Ah, great, there goes the sex appeal. --Dave Letterman
Federal officials entered a Wisconsin classroom and seized several giant African land snails because they're considered a health hazard. Officials rounded up the snails after a two second chase. --Conan O'Brien
There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting. -David Letterman
I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. -David Letterman
There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing. -David Letterman
Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it? -David Letterman
Saturday, March 22, 2014
The standoff in Ukraine keeps getting worse. But a new poll shows Vladimir Putin's approval rating has actually gone up 10 percent since he sent troops into Crimea. When he heard that, Obama just shrugged and sent troops to invade Canada. -Jimmy Fallon
I like that you can eat cheese even if it is moldy. You can't do that with other foods. In your face, nuts! -Craig Ferguson
This morning police released detailed descriptions of the video that reportedly shows Toronto Mayor Rob Ford smoking crack. If they don't elect him mayor again, I want him to move out here. He could do a reality show — "Here Comes Mayor Boo-Boo." -Jimmy Kimmel
North Dakota is rolling out a new recruiting campaign hoping to fill more than 20,000 open jobs in the state. The only catch is, when they ask where you see yourself in five years, you have to say North Dakota. -Seth Meyers
A new poll found that two-thirds of Americans are following the situation in Ukraine, which is impressive. Usually, you can't find two-thirds of Americans who are following the situation in America. -Jimmy Fallon
Some people say St. Patrick's Day contributes to national stereotypes. Well, I don't want to do that. Take it from me, not everyone in Ireland gets falling-down drunk every day. You're thinking of Australia. -Craig Ferguson
Yet another video surfaced that showed what appeared to be a drunken Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. When he promised to stop drinking, obviously that didn't include St. Patrick's Day. Or Mardi Gras or Father's Day or Cinco de Mayo. -Jimmy Kimmel
On Saturday, Los Angeles subway workers unearthed prehistoric fossils that are at least 2 million years old. Scientists could tell the fossils were indigenous to L.A. because they were each found clutching a headshot and a smoothie. -Seth Meyers
Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg apparently called President Obama directly to complain about NSA and how it spies on ordinary Americans. That’s right, the guy who runs Facebook got mad at the NSA for spying on people. Talk about the pot unfriending the kettle! -Jimmy Fallon
Austinites are some of the kindest, most welcoming people unless your name is Rick Perry, in which case they will boo you until you go away. I also learned that pickles are served with ribs so you feel like you've eaten something green. I learned that if you follow a man with a beard he will lead you to a panel discussion on increasing your social media presence. -Jimmy Kimmel
The average American citizen — you hear the statistic all the time — works six months out of the year for the government. That's how difficult the taxes are in this country. We work six months out of the year. Government employees don't even do that. -David Letterman
Albert Einstein wrote a manuscript that was lost for 83 years... The newly found manuscript revealed Einstein didn't believe in the big bang theory, which says the universe is constantly expanding. He theorized a steady state that keeps constant by adding elementary particles. I have no idea what I'm talk about. -Craig Ferguson
Saturday, March 22, 2014
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,"The Lord thy God is one," but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!" and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden ... Not sure what they were driven in with though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed back up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn?" It would be nice to say, ''As a matter of fact, I was.'')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
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