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A few late nite jokes

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Authorities in Wisconsin are searching for the owner of a kangaroo after it was caught walking around outside in the frigid weather. That's got to be frustrating for the kangaroo. Walking around in freezing weather, knowing you have a pocket, but your hands are too short to put them in it. --Jay Leno

Japanese Sumo wrestling officials may start allowing wrestlers now to wear pants. Ah, great, there goes the sex appeal. --Dave Letterman

Federal officials entered a Wisconsin classroom and seized several giant African land snails because they're considered a health hazard. Officials rounded up the snails after a two second chase. --Conan O'Brien

There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting. -David Letterman

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. -David Letterman

There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing. -David Letterman

Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it? -David Letterman

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

YMWONG22 3/26/2014 3:13AM

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LINOVER 3/24/2014 5:05PM

    Good ones! emoticon

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IMUSTLOSEIT1 3/24/2014 12:19PM

    HERE ONE FOR YOU;

I have a friend whose wife joked to him that, for her birthday, she'd like something parked in the driveway that went from zero to 500 in a few seconds. he was a joker, too - she woke to find their bathroom scale in the driveway.

Linda

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CATLADY52 3/24/2014 10:47AM

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PDSLIM 3/24/2014 10:34AM

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GODSCHILDAMYB 3/24/2014 8:37AM

    Good ones!!

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NYARAMULA 3/24/2014 6:31AM

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KS_PRINCESS115 3/24/2014 2:31AM

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IGNITEME101 3/24/2014 1:56AM

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WORKOUTWITHPAM 3/24/2014 12:17AM

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CTUPTON 3/23/2014 11:32PM

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GENRE009 3/23/2014 11:19PM

    either you are David Letterman's writer, or you thought these were really funny when you watched the show, and they are!

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MYAKAYAH 3/23/2014 11:04PM

    Very fun and interesting~

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WITCHYALISHA 3/23/2014 10:54PM

    Giggle

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DALID414 3/23/2014 10:47PM

    emoticon

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DOVESEYES 3/23/2014 10:32PM

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ELSCO55 3/23/2014 10:22PM

    LOL

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PAMNANGEL 3/23/2014 10:16PM

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Student misses!

Sunday, March 23, 2014

We all fail sometimes. But there's something about failing with style. Here are some of the best test paper blunders from the most clueless - and inventive - of students.

* Classical Studies *
Question: Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements.
Answer: Learning to speak Latin

* Biology *
Question: What is a fibula?
Answer: A little lie

* Classical Studies *
Question: What were the circumstances of Julius Caesar's death?
Answer: Suspicious ones

* Biology *
Question: Give an example of a smoking-related disease
Answer: Early death

* Biology *
Question: What is a plasmid?
Answer: A high definition television

* Religious Studies *
Question: Christians only have one spouse, what is this called?
Answer: Monotony

* Physics *
Question: Name an environmental side effect of burning fossil fuels.
Answer: Fire

* Geography *
Question: What does the term "lava" mean?
Answer: A pre-pubescent caterpillar

* Geography *
Question: The race of people known as Malays come from which country?
Answer: Malaria

* Geography *
Question: Name one famous Greek landmark
Answer: The most famous Greek landmark is the Apocalypse

* History *
Question: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
Answer: At the bottom.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

YMWONG22 3/26/2014 3:17AM

  Hilarious emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LINOVER 3/24/2014 5:07PM

    These made me smile today! emoticon

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KJDINSC 3/24/2014 7:09AM

    Good ones!

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IGNITEME101 3/24/2014 2:14AM

    emoticon

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WORKOUTWITHPAM 3/24/2014 12:16AM

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CTUPTON 3/23/2014 11:31PM

    They sound good at least to the student who wrote them. chris

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MYAKAYAH 3/23/2014 11:05PM

    Ah, the education system at its finest~

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DALID414 3/23/2014 10:53PM

    emoticon

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PAMNANGEL 3/23/2014 10:20PM

    May not have been the answers the teacher was looking for, but at least a couple if those were correct...sort of.

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SANDRALEET 3/23/2014 9:26PM

    they will wark on Fox News

Comment edited on: 3/23/2014 9:27:52 PM

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DOVESEYES 3/23/2014 9:16PM

    emoticon

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SWEETNEEY 3/23/2014 9:07PM

    Love it

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Some late night Jokes

Saturday, March 22, 2014

The standoff in Ukraine keeps getting worse. But a new poll shows Vladimir Putin's approval rating has actually gone up 10 percent since he sent troops into Crimea. When he heard that, Obama just shrugged and sent troops to invade Canada. -Jimmy Fallon

I like that you can eat cheese even if it is moldy. You can't do that with other foods. In your face, nuts! -Craig Ferguson

This morning police released detailed descriptions of the video that reportedly shows Toronto Mayor Rob Ford smoking crack. If they don't elect him mayor again, I want him to move out here. He could do a reality show — "Here Comes Mayor Boo-Boo." -Jimmy Kimmel

North Dakota is rolling out a new recruiting campaign hoping to fill more than 20,000 open jobs in the state. The only catch is, when they ask where you see yourself in five years, you have to say North Dakota. -Seth Meyers

A new poll found that two-thirds of Americans are following the situation in Ukraine, which is impressive. Usually, you can't find two-thirds of Americans who are following the situation in America. -Jimmy Fallon

Some people say St. Patrick's Day contributes to national stereotypes. Well, I don't want to do that. Take it from me, not everyone in Ireland gets falling-down drunk every day. You're thinking of Australia. -Craig Ferguson

Yet another video surfaced that showed what appeared to be a drunken Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. When he promised to stop drinking, obviously that didn't include St. Patrick's Day. Or Mardi Gras or Father's Day or Cinco de Mayo. -Jimmy Kimmel

On Saturday, Los Angeles subway workers unearthed prehistoric fossils that are at least 2 million years old. Scientists could tell the fossils were indigenous to L.A. because they were each found clutching a headshot and a smoothie. -Seth Meyers

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg apparently called President Obama directly to complain about NSA and how it spies on ordinary Americans. That’s right, the guy who runs Facebook got mad at the NSA for spying on people. Talk about the pot unfriending the kettle! -Jimmy Fallon

Austinites are some of the kindest, most welcoming people unless your name is Rick Perry, in which case they will boo you until you go away. I also learned that pickles are served with ribs so you feel like you've eaten something green. I learned that if you follow a man with a beard he will lead you to a panel discussion on increasing your social media presence. -Jimmy Kimmel

The average American citizen — you hear the statistic all the time — works six months out of the year for the government. That's how difficult the taxes are in this country. We work six months out of the year. Government employees don't even do that. -David Letterman

Albert Einstein wrote a manuscript that was lost for 83 years... The newly found manuscript revealed Einstein didn't believe in the big bang theory, which says the universe is constantly expanding. He theorized a steady state that keeps constant by adding elementary particles. I have no idea what I'm talk about. -Craig Ferguson

  
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YMWONG22 3/26/2014 3:21AM

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IMUSTLOSEIT1 3/23/2014 6:03PM

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LINOVER 3/23/2014 4:42PM

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PDSLIM 3/23/2014 11:28AM

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MYAKAYAH 3/22/2014 10:25PM

    funny times~

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SANDRALEET 3/22/2014 6:43PM

    Oh fox news jokes

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SLEEPY ANIMALS

Saturday, March 22, 2014

www.youtube.com/watch_popup?feature=
player_embedded&v=VRgQaOOZRo4

  
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YMWONG22 3/26/2014 3:37AM

  So adorable. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MYAKAYAH 3/22/2014 10:26PM

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PDSLIM 3/22/2014 12:03PM

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SANDRALEET 3/22/2014 7:47AM

    Love it

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WORKOUTWITHPAM 3/22/2014 2:38AM

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SUSANBEAMON 3/22/2014 1:42AM

  Loved the kittens, but that last dog was something else.

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The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

Saturday, March 22, 2014

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,"The Lord thy God is one," but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!" and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden ... Not sure what they were driven in with though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed back up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn?" It would be nice to say, ''As a matter of fact, I was.'')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PAMNANGEL 3/23/2014 10:25PM

    Amen

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MYAKAYAH 3/22/2014 10:26PM

    lol, good funnies~

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SUSANBEAMON 3/22/2014 1:46AM

  Sounds about right.

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