Wednesday, March 05, 2014
Wednesday, March 05, 2014
The new film “Son of God” came out today, and it follows the life of Jesus. Some critics are saying that the actor who plays Jesus in the movie is too good looking. While the real Jesus said, “What the heck’s THAT supposed to mean?” -Jimmy Fallon
On Thursday, the captain of the crashed cruise ship Costa Concordia went back to the wreck for the first time since the accident. Said the captain, “It looks so different sober." -Seth Meyers
They've discontinued Moviefone. If you folks are sad, press 1. If you couldn't care less, press 2. The Moviefone guy is looking for a new job. He's going to be looking at 2:15, 5:00, 7:45, and 10:30. -David Letterman
Some people call the Oscars "the gay Super Bowl." I don't think that's fair. I think it's balanced. This year Ellen DeGeneres is hosting. Bette Midler is performing. There will be a tribute to "The Wizard of Oz." OK, I take it back. Even the Tony Awards are saying, "This is a pretty gay awards show." -Craig Ferguson
It's rumored that Sandra Bullock will end up making $70 million from the movie 'Gravity.' 'That's great!' said the real astronauts making $59,000 a year. -Jimmy Fallon
Big news out of NASA yesterday - the Kepler space telescope has discovered 715 new planets. Either that or somebody sneezed on the lens." -Jimmy Kimmel
A Florida man tattooed a spider on his face in an attempt to overcome his arachnophobia, which is a fear of spiders. The tattoo should also help him overcome his fear of employment. -Seth Meyers
Monday, March 03, 2014
Monday, March 03, 2014
"YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY..."
"Everything Comes In Threes" - Not true. In reality, everything comes in ones. Sometimes, when three "ones" come in a row, it seems like everything comes in threes. By the way, in medieval times, it was widely believed that everything came in twenty-sixes. They were wrong, too. It just took them longer to recognize the pattern.
"You Can't Take It With You (when you die)" - Well..., that depends on what it is. If it's your dark blue suit, you can certainly take it with you. In fact, not only can you take it with you, you can probably put some things in your pockets.
"You Learn Something New Every Day" - Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you've just learned it, doesn't mean it's new. Other people already knew it, Columbus is a good example of this.
"You Get What You Pay For" - Clearly this is not true. Have you been shopping recently? Only a very naive person would believe that you get what you pay for. In point of fact, if you check your purchases carefully, you'll find that you get whatever they feel like giving you. And if corporations get any more powerful, you soon might not even get that.
"NICE GUYS FINISH LAST" - Not true. Studies have shown that, on average, nice guys finish third in a field of six. Actually, short guys finish last. By the way, in medieval times, it was widely believed that nice guys finished twenty-sixth. You can see how limited those people were.
Two lawyers are in a bank
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.
While one of the robbers takes the money from the tellers, the other lines the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceeds to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?"
To which the first lawyer replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."
Selling at an auction was halted when the auctioneer announced, “Someone in the room has lost his wallet containing $2,000. He is offering a reward of $500.00 for its immediate return.” After a moment of silence, there was a call from the back of the room, “$550.00”
Military Medical Clinic
During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months. As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt, he asked me what my husband did.
When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I thought."
Don't Touch Me
An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me".
"Why not", he asks.
She answers back, "Because I'm dead".
The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another".
The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."
Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
His wife answers, "I know I'm dead because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!"
A Following Person
A teacher was sitting at her desk grading papers when her first-grade class came back from lunch. Alice informed the teacher, "Paul has to go to the principal's office."
"I wonder why," the teacher mused.
"Because he's a following person," Alice replied.
"A what?" the teacher asked.
"It came over the loudspeaker: 'The following persons are to go to the office.'"
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Hippopotamus, New York
A woman called to make reservations "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.
After some searching, the agent came back with "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."
The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered.
"You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal" was the reply.
Monday, March 03, 2014
A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:
Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"
Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."
Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."
Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."
15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.
Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"
Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."
Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman. Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing. Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!" "Dear God! Did you try to stop him?" "No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband's snoring. So she called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering." "Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras." "My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "it sounds like leasing a new sports car!"
"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
A guy walked into his friend's office. He found his friend sitting at his desk, looking very depressed. "Hey, what's up with you?", he asked. "Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me." "Well, nothing wrong in that," he said, "Is she blonde or brunette?" "Neither. He's bald."
- The beatings will continue until morale improves.
- Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
- We waste time, so you don't have to.
- Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
- Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
- A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
- When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
- INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
- Succeed in spite of management.
- Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
Politics Explained as Cows
SOCIALISM You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
COMMUNISM You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.
FASCISM You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk.
BUREAUCRACY You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.
CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
CORPORATE You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when it drops dead.
DEMOCRACY You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to pay the taxes to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow which was a gift from your government.
- Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
- The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
Wisdom of the Workplace
- Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
- Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
Generation to Generation
"Mummy, Mummy!" called Little Johnny one day. "Do you know the beautiful vase in the dining room that's been handed down from generation to generation?"
"Yes", said his mother. "What about it?"
"Well the last generation just dropped it."
A little boy was roughhousing with his dog. His mother said to him, "Now, Peter, I know you love Granger, but you're loving him too much. How would you feel if someone huge picked you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?"
The boy thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd feel like it was my birthday and Aunt Doreen was here!"
The young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage.
One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So . . . how do you like your rice? Boiled? Steamed? Or fried?"
Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied clearly, "Thrown."
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here."
One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
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