Friday, February 28, 2014
On my 40th birthday I waltzed out of my bedroom dressed in an old outfit I dug out of the back of the closet. "I wore this on my 30th birthday! I guess that means my wardrobe is ten years old," I said to my husband, hoping he'd take the hint and buy me some clothes as a present. "Or," he offered instead, "it means when you were 30 you had the body of a 40-year-old."
I was working in a scrap yard during summer vacation at engineering university. I used to work repairing construction equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free it I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it. "So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked. Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter." There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.
Some ordinary folks become great philosophers when they are sitting alone in the bathroom stalls of the world contemplating life's problems. Here are a few gems:
Make love, not war. Heck, do both, get married! - Women's restroom. Bozeman, Montana
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. - Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. - Written on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona. If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. - Revolution Books. New York, New York.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! - Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.
You Know It's Time To Diet When....
1. You dance and it makes the band skip.
2. You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
3. You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
4. You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
5. Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
6. You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
7. You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
8. You could sell shade.
9. Your blood type is Ragu.
10. You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Yesterday New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was asked about the slow pace of his weight loss and said, quote, “Rome was not un-built in a day.” In fact, Christie and Rome have a lot in common: one was built by Julius Caesar, and the other was built by LITTLE Caesar. -Jimmy Fallon
A girl in San Francisco actually sold Girl Scout cookies at a medical marijuana clinic this week. Which is why today she bought a mansion and retired. Jimmy Fallon
Charlie Sheen's getting married to an adult film star. Her parents are mortified, but they're getting married anyway. If you want to get something for the happy couple, they are registered at J.C. Penicillin. -David Letterman
Tomorrow is the Viking end of the world. Keep in mind, the ancient Vikings were wrong about a lot of things. They said the oceans would overflow. They said the sky would turn black, and they said the Denver Broncos were unstoppable. Craig Ferguson
We have first lady Michelle Obama on the show tonight. Security’s very tight backstage. Before I came out, this one guy spent like five minutes patting me down — and then the Secret Service showed up and said, “Who’s that guy groping Fallon?” -Jimmy Fallon
A new study of online dating profiles reveals that women respond 31 percent better to men who use the word "whom." Frankly, I don't know whom these men are, or whom they're trying to impress. -Conan O'Brien
In Florida there is a guy running for Congress who is 101 years old. And despite what you might think, the guy is actually quite a progressive. He wants to expand Medicare. He wants to fix Social Security. He wants to let women vote. -David Letterman
A new survey named Vienna, Austria, the world's best city. Vienna came out on top in this survey because it was No. 1 in three important categories: public transportation, clean air, and the quantity of teeny-tiny sausages. -Craig Ferguson
The Department of Agriculture is recalling thousands of boxes of Hot Pockets because they contain meat that wasn’t properly inspected. When they heard that, people who like to eat Hot Pockets said, "I inspected it when I took it out of the box. Looked good to me." -Jimmy Fallon
In Florida, a 101-year-old man is planning to run for Congress. His slogan is "Vote for me and then vote again in two months." -Conan O'Brien
Snow and ice have frozen and hardened over tons and tons of garbage. Here in New York City we call that the giant slalom. -David Letterman
There is a big celebrity birthday today. Happy birthday to 15th century astronomer Nicolaus Copernicus. He's considered the "father of astronomy." I know you're thinking, "Craig, you can't do a monologue about Nicolaus Copernicus. That was Jay Leno's signature bit." That's true, but Leno's gone now. That's why he was fired, because of all the stuff he did on Copernicus. -Craig Ferguson
Welcome to "The Tonight Show." This is the first "Tonight Show" broadcast from New York in over 40 years. I'm Jimmy Fallon and I'll be your host... for now. -Jimmy Fallon
Of course, I wouldn't be here tonight if it weren’t for the previous "Tonight Show" hosts, so I want to say “thank you” to Steve Allen, Jack Paar, Johnny Carson, Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, and Jay Leno. Amazing lineage. -Jimmy Fallon
I had a great childhood, but if you’d told me when I was a kid that after graduating high school, I'd get to be on "Saturday Night Live" and eventually I’d be the host of "The Tonight Show," I'd have said, "I graduated high school?" -Jimmy Fallon
I’m a proud, proud dad, and speaking of dads, I’m lucky to say my parents are here to see this, Jim and Gloria Fallon. Thank you for being here. I wish we could’ve gotten you better seats. But it’s a very hot ticket. -Jimmy Fallon
Facebook is 10 years old today. You know who else is celebrating a birthday today? Eric Garcetti, the mayor of Los Angeles. Facebook and Los Angeles are very different. One was considered cool a long time ago but is still a good place to waste time with fake friends — and the other one is Facebook. -Craig Ferguson
Hillary Clinton is encouraging Hispanic families to read to their kids. She’s also telling Asian families to ease up on the math so the rest of us can catch up. -Conan O'Brien
At the end of the interview O’Reilly said he thinks Obama’s ‘heart is in the right place.’ What does that mean? That’s basically saying that I don’t think he’s destroying America intentionally. -Jimmy Kimmel
One congressman brought with him as his guest to the State of the Union the duck dynasty guy. Wild guess which party. It was Republican Congressman from Louisiana Vance McAllister. When asked why he said, swear to God, ‘I wanted to bring some diversity to our nation’s capital.’ Yes, affirmative action for rednecks! This is what this nation needs. When will white people get a seat at the table in this country? -Bill Maher
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Flying off to Oklahoma City in the morning. Not packed yet...kind of a last minute person!
Went out for a test drive in my car. Bob hadn't driven it yet since we put hand controls in it ($1400!). He'll take me to the airport in my car.
O I'm not excited.....MUCH!
Won't be blogging much this week… Too busy.
Have a great week, guys.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter.
As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.
During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.
With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"
An Army driver was chauffeur to a Major who was a notorious womanizer. One day, the major saw a lovely girl. "Turn the car around," he ordered.
The driver promptly stalled the car. By the time he had re-started it the girl had vanished.
"Driver," said the major, "you'd be a total loss in an emergency."
"I thought I did pretty well," the driver said. "That was my girl."
Ice Cream Humor
Q. How do astronauts eat their ice creams?
A. In floats
Q: How do you make a dinosaur float?
A: Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer and add one dinosaur!
Q: What do you get from an Alaskan cow ?
A: Ice Cream
Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter?
A: Pi a'la mode.
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