SUNSHINE65   67,061
SparkPoints
60,000-79,999 SparkPoints
 
 
SUNSHINE65's Recent Blog Entries

PICK YOUR FAVORITE

Monday, March 03, 2014

Rare birds

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:
Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"
Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."
Judge: "Proceed."
Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."
Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."
15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.
Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"
Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

New Mercedes

Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman. Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing. Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!" "Dear God! Did you try to stop him?" "No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"

Expensive Operation

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband's snoring. So she called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering." "Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras." "My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "it sounds like leasing a new sports car!"
"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

Personal Secretary

A guy walked into his friend's office. He found his friend sitting at his desk, looking very depressed. "Hey, what's up with you?", he asked. "Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me." "Well, nothing wrong in that," he said, "Is she blonde or brunette?" "Neither. He's bald."

Work Motivators

- The beatings will continue until morale improves.
- Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
- We waste time, so you don't have to.
- Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
- Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
- A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
- When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
- INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
- Succeed in spite of management.
- Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Politics Explained as Cows

SOCIALISM You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
COMMUNISM You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.
FASCISM You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk.
BUREAUCRACY You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.
CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
CORPORATE You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when it drops dead.
DEMOCRACY You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to pay the taxes to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow which was a gift from your government.

Work Wisdom

- Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
- The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

Wisdom of the Workplace

- Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
- Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

Generation to Generation

"Mummy, Mummy!" called Little Johnny one day. "Do you know the beautiful vase in the dining room that's been handed down from generation to generation?"
"Yes", said his mother. "What about it?"
"Well the last generation just dropped it."

Dog Care

A little boy was roughhousing with his dog. His mother said to him, "Now, Peter, I know you love Granger, but you're loving him too much. How would you feel if someone huge picked you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?"
The boy thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd feel like it was my birthday and Aunt Doreen was here!"

Rice Preference

The young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage.
One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So . . . how do you like your rice? Boiled? Steamed? Or fried?"
Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied clearly, "Thrown."

Yogurt

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here."
One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PDSLIM 3/3/2014 10:16AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
WORKOUTWITHPAM 3/3/2014 10:08AM

    emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
SANDRALEET 3/3/2014 8:21AM

    So funny emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
MYAKAYAH 3/3/2014 7:48AM

    love the cows explanation, so true~

Report Inappropriate Comment
THINFITFEMINIST 3/3/2014 6:07AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
PAMNANGEL 3/3/2014 1:27AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
YMWONG22 3/3/2014 1:01AM

  emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
DALID414 3/3/2014 12:46AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
DOVESEYES 3/3/2014 12:25AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment


Trauma

Sunday, March 02, 2014

Had a trauma event yesterday. Major varicose vein bleed during the night, about a pint. Woke up to go to the bathroom. Discovered all the blood. HB called 911. EMTs put on trauma bandage. Put me onto a sling to carry me out to a gurney. At the ER they cleaned me off of all the blood and the doctor stitched up my vein. I needed 2 L of saline to bring my blood pressure up and stable. Five hours later we got home and slowly began to do something about the bloodsoaked bed. Through the foam, through the mattress pad, down into the sleep number mattress cover. Don't know if I can just get a cover or have to replace the whole mattress. Tomorrow is the busiest day of my month at work. Called in too weak to go to work. Bummer. And Safeway is bringing groceries tomorrow night.


  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JTREMBATH 3/3/2014 12:58PM

    Gee I didn't know that they could bleed like that.

Report Inappropriate Comment
NAYPOOIE 3/3/2014 11:57AM

    Wow. That's getting your day off to a bad start. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
GARDENQE2 3/3/2014 10:53AM

    EEK! I had no idea such a thing could happen. I hope you heal quickly! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
GARDENCHRIS 3/3/2014 8:38AM

    omg..... why did it do that?? hope your better.

Report Inappropriate Comment
RASPBERRY56 3/3/2014 6:52AM

    Yikes!

emoticon

Please take care!

emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
THINFITFEMINIST 3/3/2014 6:10AM

    Honestly waking up to go to the bathroom probably saved your life.

Gosh, what a scare! So glad you are fixed up. Rest!

Report Inappropriate Comment
COLLEENROSTE 3/3/2014 2:23AM

    take care of yourself

Report Inappropriate Comment
PAMNANGEL 3/3/2014 1:30AM

    Oh dear! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
DALID414 3/2/2014 11:57PM

    Oh my gosh! emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
DOVESEYES 3/2/2014 11:34PM

    thinking of you hugs.

Report Inappropriate Comment


Xmas Lites

Friday, February 28, 2014

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

_CYNDY55_ 3/11/2014 12:14AM

    emoticon emoticon
emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
0309COOKIE 3/2/2014 7:43PM

    Lol.


Report Inappropriate Comment
ELIZACG9 3/1/2014 6:00PM

    emoticon I like Maxine.....funny lady.

Report Inappropriate Comment
MISSDAISY23 3/1/2014 12:08AM

    yup

Report Inappropriate Comment
WORKOUTWITHPAM 2/28/2014 10:46PM

    emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
HELEN_BRU 2/28/2014 8:14PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
DOVESEYES 2/28/2014 7:53PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
MYAKAYAH 2/28/2014 7:06PM

    makes sense~

Report Inappropriate Comment
DALID414 2/28/2014 4:30PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
PDSLIM 2/28/2014 3:59PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
THINFITFEMINIST 2/28/2014 11:08AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
-BLESSINGS- 2/28/2014 9:57AM

    LOLOL Yep... emoticon

BLESSings ALLways ~Deby

Report Inappropriate Comment
SANDRALEET 2/28/2014 9:40AM

    Yep real reliable

Report Inappropriate Comment
1HAPPYSPIRIT 2/28/2014 9:15AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment


Dare 2 laff

Friday, February 28, 2014

On my 40th birthday I waltzed out of my bedroom dressed in an old outfit I dug out of the back of the closet. "I wore this on my 30th birthday! I guess that means my wardrobe is ten years old," I said to my husband, hoping he'd take the hint and buy me some clothes as a present. "Or," he offered instead, "it means when you were 30 you had the body of a 40-year-old."

I was working in a scrap yard during summer vacation at engineering university. I used to work repairing construction equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free it I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it. "So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked. Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter." There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.

Bathroom Philosophers

Some ordinary folks become great philosophers when they are sitting alone in the bathroom stalls of the world contemplating life's problems. Here are a few gems:
Make love, not war. Heck, do both, get married! - Women's restroom. Bozeman, Montana
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. - Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. - Written on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona. If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. - Revolution Books. New York, New York.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! - Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.

You Know It's Time To Diet When....
1. You dance and it makes the band skip.
2. You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
3. You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
4. You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
5. Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
6. You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
7. You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
8. You could sell shade.
9. Your blood type is Ragu.
10. You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MYAKAYAH 2/28/2014 7:11PM

    pretty humorous~

Report Inappropriate Comment
DALID414 2/28/2014 4:29PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
ANDREWMOM 2/28/2014 9:06AM

    Thanx!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
HELEN_BRU 2/28/2014 8:29AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
SANDRALEET 2/28/2014 8:20AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
CHUBBY_MOM 2/28/2014 6:09AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
THINFITFEMINIST 2/28/2014 5:12AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
COLLEENROSTE 2/28/2014 3:37AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment


Earmuffs

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WORKOUTWITHPAM 2/27/2014 1:42AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
MISSDAISY23 2/26/2014 10:22PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
PDSLIM 2/26/2014 1:43PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
SANDRALEET 2/26/2014 7:51AM

    Might get some funny looks made some ones day

Report Inappropriate Comment
CHERIONE 2/26/2014 5:34AM

    Now there's an idea!

Report Inappropriate Comment
THINFITFEMINIST 2/26/2014 5:14AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
RASPBERRY56 2/26/2014 5:09AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
SUSANBEAMON 2/26/2014 2:32AM

  deep chuckle.

Report Inappropriate Comment
YMWONG22 2/26/2014 1:29AM

  Good laugh as always.
emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
ALICIA214 2/26/2014 12:37AM

 


Good One emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
DALID414 2/26/2014 12:33AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment


First Page  1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 Last Page