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Buncha Jokes

Friday, February 07, 2014

A Dog Cleaning

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, “Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job.” “Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!” “No, no,” pleaded the dog. “Please don't! If he finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone as well!”

Women Drivers

I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane. It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!

Cornbread

On Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crew members take turns in the galley helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food. One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet cake cooling on a counter. Determined to rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and decorated the cake with it. The seaman stood proudly by the dessert as the head cook returned to the galley. Frantically, the cook began to look around. "Where did my CORNBREAD go?" he shouted.

Hungry Robins

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one. " Me, too", said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one. "Me neither, let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said the second. "OK" said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love baskin' robins."

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ATLTRAINR 2/8/2014 11:14AM

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WORKOUTWITHPAM 2/8/2014 2:55AM

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DOVESEYES 2/8/2014 1:00AM

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HELEN_BRU 2/7/2014 3:40PM

    That's hilarious!

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LINOVER 2/7/2014 1:47PM

    You definitely made me emoticon today! Thanks!

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PDSLIM 2/7/2014 11:03AM

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SANDRALEET 2/7/2014 9:36AM

    I sure needed a good laugh emoticon

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52BINCE 2/7/2014 9:35AM

    love the humor you made my day!

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MYAKAYAH 2/7/2014 9:24AM

    Yeah, all those were funny but I love the last big old tomcat's thoughts! My cat would of had those birds for lunch~

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THINFITKINDVGAN 2/7/2014 9:16AM

    OMG! the last one was hilarious!

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SINGINGLADY47 2/7/2014 9:13AM

    Oh. My word. You have made my day. It is great to start the day off with a smile and a laugh. You, my friend, are a MESS. Awesome blog, Keep 'em coming. Have a blessed day. Judi. emoticon emoticon

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Hot Flashes

Friday, February 07, 2014

  
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JTREMBATH 2/7/2014 7:51PM

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LINOVER 2/7/2014 1:48PM

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GENRE009 2/7/2014 11:13AM

    I was so naïve about hot flashes. I called to talk to a girlfriend in Florida. I told her I thought that I was coming down with a disease. this was about 30 years ago. I told her that I had broke a bone in my arm, then the next thing I knew I had this excessive warmth coming from my stomach. Like it had a brain, and I would wake up wet, and so hot that I thought you could cook an egg on my stomach. She laughed and told me I had menopause. What I did realize was that there was some connection with breaking bones, calcium ( displacement), and this illness. it seemed to follow a pattern prior to your time of the month regularly. Then one day it stopped. That was after 41/2 years. I went to a nutritionist, and inquired about it. I had just recently at that time changed my eating pattern. And low and behold, that's what stopped my menopause. I started eat fresh tofu, 1/2 put into soup & with fruit. In less than two times, it stopped it for ever. What I learned was that either I was low in calcium, or protein, or what ever was in Tofu, not the pills helped. emoticon

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AMYISSUCCEEDING 2/7/2014 9:58AM

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1HAPPYSPIRIT 2/7/2014 9:49AM

    emoticon LOL!!

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-BLESSINGS- 2/7/2014 9:44AM

    emoticon yep

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GARDENCHRIS 2/7/2014 9:27AM

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MYAKAYAH 2/7/2014 9:25AM

    Oh, I feel bad for the snow bound people right now. Makes me feel bad I'm cold with just a little wind and rain!

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THINFITKINDVGAN 2/7/2014 9:17AM

    Cute one Judi, thanks!

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SINGINGLADY47 2/7/2014 9:14AM

    AWESOME. Judi, emoticon

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SHRINKINGSHERI 2/7/2014 9:11AM

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Create something new...

Wednesday, February 05, 2014

  
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EDDYMEESE 2/6/2014 10:22PM

    Love it!

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SHERRYBETH84 2/6/2014 8:37PM

    What a great concept! Let it go! Start something new! Yes!

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ATLTRAINR 2/6/2014 10:55AM

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MYAKAYAH 2/6/2014 8:41AM

    Great quote for the day~

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DALID414 2/5/2014 10:28PM

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DOVESEYES 2/5/2014 6:55PM

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WORKOUTWITHPAM 2/5/2014 3:46PM

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IGNITEME101 2/5/2014 1:06PM

    RIGHT!

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PDSLIM 2/5/2014 10:44AM

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HELEN_BRU 2/5/2014 9:37AM

    Good advice! I agree wholeheartedly. emoticon

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SANDRALEET 2/5/2014 9:34AM

    When the old warks not try a new plan

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LATE NITE JOKES

Wednesday, February 05, 2014

It is amazing that both Peyton Manning, Broncos quarterback, and younger brother Eli Manning grew up to be NFL quarterbacks like their dad. I have two sons. If they someday both end up hosting late-night talk shows, that will make me unbelievably sad. -Craig Ferguson

It is still cold all across the nation. It was so cold today that Al Gore called global warming a hoax. -Jay Leno

House Republicans unveiled a new plan that would allow undocumented immigrants to become citizens if they learn about American history. Which will be great, because then they can teach it to Americans. -Jimmy Fallon

In Atlanta, people are still complaining about the slow response to the icy roads and snow. I don’t think the governor helped himself. His excuse was, "Emergency crews would have been there sooner, but there was a storm." -Jay Leno

Paul and I have been together doing this show for 32 years, and it is more or less the same show we started at NBC. Yes, at NBC things were going along great, and then I got fired. They caught me parking in Tom Brokaw's spot. -David Letterman

The ratings were very low for the president's State of the Union address. I think I know why the ratings were low — because it's the State of the Union address, that's why. Next year it will be presented by Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. -David Letterman

Joe Biden said that Hillary Clinton's decision to run for president won't affect his decision to launch a campaign. While Hillary says Biden's decision to run for president won't affect her becoming president. -Jimmy Fallon

The president said that unemployment is dropping, but critics claim it doesn't include people who have left the workforce. How about people who were asked to leave the workforce like me? Are we included in that? -Jay Leno

You heard about the snowstorm in Georgia. A snowstorm in Atlanta resulted in a 10-hour traffic jam. To which people in Los Angeles responded, "You guys need snow for that?" -Conan O'Brien

The mayor of Sochi is now saying that there are no gay people in Sochi. So the only thing that is flaming over there now is the Olympic torch. -David Letterman

I heard that Justin Bieber is moving out of his $7 million home after he was accused of egging his neighbor's house earlier this month. His neighbors are very happy, while his neighbors' daughter is SO not talking to her parents EVER again. -Jimmy Fallon

Even though he has been arrested and caused a lot of controversy, Adidas announced this week they are still standing by Justin Bieber as a sponsor. Did you know that Adidas even sponsored Justin Bieber? What sport does he play? -Jay Leno

Subway has announced a major new campaign to get people to eat healthier. I'm no health expert, but maybe the first thing to do is not sell people piles of meat and bread by the foot. -Conan O'Brien

It was a strange show. Daft Punk won five Grammy awards. Neither one of these guys ever showed his face. By the way, this is how the robots will enslave us. First they take our Grammys. And then they take our freedom. -Jimmy Kimmel

After the president’s State of the Union address, there will be three separate Republican rebuttals. Obama said, “Yeah, I live with two daughters, my wife and my mother-in-law. Three people telling me I'm wrong is a holiday.” -Jimmy Fallon


They say the threat of terrorism at the Sochi winter games is very high right now and it's pretty scary. In fact, it's so dangerous over there right now that today NBC asked me to go as a correspondent. -Jay Leno

The Bieber kid's in trouble. He's got to get a hold of himself. He was arrested in Florida for DWI — driving while insufferable. -David Letterman

We have Mitt Romney on the show tonight. We made him our first guest — you know, because he's still a little sensitive about coming in second. -Jimmy Fallon

A lot of people are speculating about what's going on with Bieber? Are his parents enabling him? You know, does he have a drug and alcohol problem? Here's the question I have. Is the Lamborghini okay? Was that damaged? -Jay Leno

This week country singer Trace Adkins was on a country music-themed cruise when he got into a fight with a Trace Adkins impersonator. It was a nasty brawl. In fact, it took five Elvises to pull them apart. -Jimmy Fallon

A number of U.S. colleges are going to start having dorms for alcoholics. I believe those are called dorms. -Craig Ferguson

They say that most airline seats on planes today are meant for 170-pound passengers. The last time the average American weighed 170 pounds, the Wright Brothers were flying the plane. -Jay Leno

  
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NAYPOOIE 2/5/2014 10:02PM

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WORKOUTWITHPAM 2/5/2014 3:46PM

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GODSCHILDAMYB 2/5/2014 9:47AM

    Ha!!

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TINY67 2/5/2014 8:17AM

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SANDRALEET 2/5/2014 7:12AM

    Tongue emoticon in check look at life

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ATLTRAINR 2/5/2014 5:29AM

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THINFITKINDVGAN 2/5/2014 5:22AM

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NYARAMULA 2/5/2014 1:50AM

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IGNITEME101 2/5/2014 12:50AM

    loved them!

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FLEMIDG 2/5/2014 12:48AM

    Cute

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DALID414 2/5/2014 12:47AM

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PAMNANGEL 2/5/2014 12:33AM

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CHIBIKARATE 2/5/2014 12:29AM

    nice

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ALICIA214 2/5/2014 12:19AM

 

Good Ones....

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Snow...

Monday, February 03, 2014

  
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ATLTRAINR 2/5/2014 5:30AM

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PAMNANGEL 2/5/2014 12:34AM

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MYAKAYAH 2/4/2014 9:24AM

    Maxine's not happy with all the snow, seriously! I wouldn't be either, sorry for the polar vortex for those who are affected by it. Hopefully it will be over sooner than later~

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SHERYLP461 2/4/2014 9:01AM

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PDSLIM 2/4/2014 8:10AM

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SANDRALEET 2/4/2014 7:38AM

    funny emoticon

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GARDENCHRIS 2/4/2014 7:00AM

    so STOP already! LOL

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THINFITKINDVGAN 2/4/2014 5:17AM

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WORKOUTWITHPAM 2/4/2014 2:50AM

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AUNTHELEN 2/4/2014 1:11AM

    good one! emoticon

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DOVESEYES 2/4/2014 12:27AM

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DALID414 2/4/2014 12:09AM

    Yeah, blame those who sang! Ha ha ha!

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TLB1630 2/3/2014 11:53PM

    I actually have this as my ring tone... ya think I might need to change it? Have it every year at this time but ENOUGH is ENOUGH!!!

So you think if I change my ring tone to something like "summer breeze" by Seals & Crofts that would help matters??? emoticon

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ROBBIEY 2/3/2014 11:48PM

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CLAYARTIST 2/3/2014 11:46PM

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