Monday, February 10, 2014
This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?" "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" "Uh-huh." The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?" And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here — see?!" The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is final ly done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada. The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?" "Check this out — I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"
Saturday, February 08, 2014
Saturday, February 08, 2014
The games haven't even started yet and already there are people complaining about the horrible accommodations at the Sochi Olympic village. Toilets don't flush. The faucets spew discolored water. They say it's like being on a Royal Caribbean cruise. -Jay Leno
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is indignant at the New York Times for its sloppy reporting about the Bridge-Gate scandal. The governor also took the opportunity to highlight a few other things he believes are sloppy: Meatloaf with gravy, nachos, barbecue ribs, meat-lovers pizza, buffalo wings, hot-fudge sundaes and chili dogs. -David Letterman
I heard the news that Clay Aiken from 'American Idol' is running for Congress. I'm very excited about this. This is fantastic. Do you know the material there will be for me if Clay Aiken becomes a congressman? I can come into work even later every day. -Craig Ferguson
This week on board Justin Bieber's private jet, the pilots had to wear oxygen masks because of all of the pot smoke. They also had to wear ear plugs because Bieber was blasting his own music. -Conan O'Brien
Did you all see that game yesterday? Was that the worst Super Bowl ever? It was 43 to 8. The Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet was more competitive than that. -Jay Leno
After appearing in a commercial during last night's Super Bowl, people are accusing Bob Dylan of selling out. Today Dylan responded by saying, "Everyone needs to calm down, have a Bud Light, and relax at a Sandals Resort." -Conan O'Brien
Did this happen or did I dream this? At one point Peyton Manning was actually sacked by Bruno Mars? -David Letterman
How about that Super Bowl? Some of you may expect me to make jokes about the Broncos. I won't do that. To me it's just beating a dead horse. -Craig Ferguson
Yesterday the Denver Broncos and the Seattle Seahawks advanced to the big game, which means this year’s Super Bowl will have teams from the two states where recreational marijuana is legal. Or as pizza delivery men put it, "Pray for us." -Jimmy Fallon
A new survey found that Peyton Manning is the most well-respected player in the NFL by his fellow players. In fact, yesterday the Patriots spent three hours moving out of his way. -Jimmy Fallon
Beyoncé performed at Michelle Obama’s 50th birthday party on Saturday night. Yeah, because there's no easier way for a woman to turn 50 than having to spend your party looking at Beyoncé. -Jimmy Fallon
Michelle Obama’s 50th birthday party supposedly went all the way until 2 a.m. on Saturday. Which explains why on Sunday, Barack expanded healthcare to include Gatorade and Tylenol. -Jimmy Fallon
The White House announced that President Obama will visit Pope Francis in the near future. Pope Francis thinks Obamacare can be a success. Sure, he’s the Pope. He has to believe in miracles. -Jay Leno
Oprah's movie "The Butler" was not nominated for the best picture Oscar. Oprah is said to be very disappointed but she's being comforted but her 700 REAL butlers. -Conan O'Brien
Alex Rodriguez has a lot of trouble. He is suing everybody in baseball, and meanwhile he is terribly out of shape. He hasn't played ball in a long time. Gee, I wonder what a guy like that does to get back into top physical condition. -David Letterman
Unfortunately I wasn't nominated for an Oscar again this year. Apparently you have to be in a movie to get one now. -Jimmy Kimmel
Friday, February 07, 2014
A Dog Cleaning
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, “Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job.” “Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!” “No, no,” pleaded the dog. “Please don't! If he finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone as well!”
I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane. It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!
On Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crew members take turns in the galley helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food. One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet cake cooling on a counter. Determined to rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and decorated the cake with it. The seaman stood proudly by the dessert as the head cook returned to the galley. Frantically, the cook began to look around. "Where did my CORNBREAD go?" he shouted.
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one. " Me, too", said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one. "Me neither, let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said the second. "OK" said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love baskin' robins."
Friday, February 07, 2014
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