Saturday, January 18, 2014
Today New Jersey Governor Chris Christie delivered his state of the state address: he said the state is improving, but admitted that it's still New Jersey. -Jay Leno
Police are searching Justin Bieber's home for evidence in an egg-throwing vandalism scandal. You know you're a real gangster when the police raid your home looking for something from the dairy aisle. -Conan O'Brien
Alex Rodriguez is banned from baseball for 162 games, the entire season. But he still gets to date actresses. So is it really that bad? -David Letterman
The rollout of the Affordable Care Act continues to be terrible. Now comes news that not enough young, healthy Americans are signing up. Did they expect young people to buy insurance the same time that Play Station 4 comes out? -Jimmy Kimmel
Business analysts say that McDonald's is doing really well lately because Americans have to spend more money on gas so they're going to McDonald�s rather than more expensive restaurants. So basically, as Americans have to spend more for oil they're looking to pay less for grease. --Jay Leno
A Japanese company bought the Jim Beam whiskey distillery for $16 billion. This morning the Japanese company woke up in an alley and said, 'I did what?' -Conan O'Brien
There are reports that French President Francois Hollande had an affair with an actress who is 18 years younger than him. It's pretty serious. Under French law, he could face up to 30 high fives. -Jimmy Fallon
A big movie opened today, 'The Legend of Hercules.' According to Greek mythology, Hercules was the son of Zeus. He was born with incredible strength. But it turned out to be a lie after he sat down with Oprah and confessed to using steroids. -Craig Ferguson
Today President Obama invited unemployed Americans to the White House for a discussion about income inequality. Because if there's one way to show sympathy for the unemployed, it's to invite them to a giant white mansion that you get to live in for free. -Jimmy Fallon
You know how sometimes during war time, civil liberties can take a back seat to national security? Well, I got good news and bad news. The good news is this -- no Japanese people are being sent to any camps. The bad news is, that time you got hammered and drunk dialed your ex-girlfriend who's studying abroad and sang her that WHAM! song that was 'your song' -- uh, the government's got that on tape. --Jon Stewart
A new study found that babies as young as nine months can tell the difference between friends and enemies. Which raises a lot of questions, like: What kind of babies have enemies? -Jimmy Fallon
The polar vortex that's terrorized much of the United States and Canada this week is just about gone. I'm kind of disappointed in the polar vortex. It's a pretty unsuccessful vortex if not a single person gets pulled into a different dimension. -Jimmy Kimmel
The government is accusing the makers of several weight loss products of deceiving the public. Probably the most deceptive of these companies Cinnabon. -Conan O'Brien
Friday, January 17, 2014
I had to copy and paste it!!!
Friday, January 17, 2014
Friday, January 17, 2014
The Labor Department reported that last month 347,000 people quit looking for work. And in New Jersey, 50,000 people quit DRIVING to work. -Jay Leno
It was announced that President Obama is going to visit Pope Francis. Obama said he can't wait to tell the Pope, "You know, they liked me a lot, too, that first year." -Conan O'Brien
We have a breakdown of the regimen of banned substances that Alex Rodriguez took daily. Four injections of performance-enhancing drugs. Two testosterone lozenges. two different skin creams. A handful of anti-aging pills. And a Tic-Tac. -David Letterman
Justin Bieber was accused of egging his neighbor's house. The neighbor claimed he caused about $20,000 in damage. He throws Fabergé eggs only. -Jimmy Kimmel
We're learning more about this George Washington Bridge scandal. During the traffic jam, a two-block commute that would normally take five minutes took 45 minutes to an hour. As we call that in L.A., “making pretty good time.” We would kill for that on the 405 Freeway. -Jay Leno
Governor Christie was asked, "Do you think this will hurt your chances of being president of the United States. And he said, "Hey, we'll close that bridge when we come to it." -David Letterman
Alex Rodriguez has been suspended for all of next year's baseball season. And he says he's taking Major League Baseball to federal court. Experts say A-Rod's case is fairly weak. But that'll change when he injects himself with steroids. -Craig Ferguson
People in New York are getting to know new Mayor Bill de Blasio. Last Friday he was spotted eating pizza with a knife and fork. New Yorkers are upset. His first scandal in office is eating pizza with a knife and fork. When he heard that, Chris Christie was like, “Hey, wanna trade scandals?” -Jimmy Fallon
We are learning more and more about New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. Do you know what his least favorite card game is? Bridge! -Jay Leno
There's no Velveeta cheese left in the United States anymore. You know about Velveeta. There's no dietary fiber in it, no iron, no vitamin C, and no cheese. -David Letterman
President Obama has launched a preliminary search for the location of his presidential library. Members of his team are pushing for his birthplace. But I'm thinking Kenya is a bit too far. -Craig Ferguson
Governor Chris Christie is in trouble because his staff shut down part of the George Washington Bridge to get back at a political rival. Yesterday, Christie gave a 107-minute press conference to address the scandal. The last time Christie talked for 107 minutes, he was ordering at IHOP. -Jimmy Fallon
Chris Christie is dealing with a scandal after it was revealed that a top aide shut down access to the George Washington Bridge to get back at a mayor for not endorsing him. Christie was furious when they blocked the bridge. He thought they said they were blocking the fridge. -Jimmy Fallon
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie doesn't know yet if he's running for president in 2016. I guess he'll cross that bridge when he comes to it. -Jay Leno
Apparently someone in Governor Chris Christie's office closed the bridge. This is what I don't understand. You've got a major political figure and the busiest bridge in the world. Don't put anything in writing. Do what I always do when I have something top secret to discuss. I go to a bowling alley and use the pay phone. -David Letterman
Right now Iran's population is around 80 million. Their supreme leader wants to get it up to 150 million. If he wants more pregnancies, he should start by legalizing alcohol over there. -Jimmy Kimmel
My New Year's resolution is that I'm going to take more time off this year. Actually, it wasn’t my resolution, but I'm going to do it anyway. -Jay Leno
The entire nation is in a historic deep freeze. The San Francisco 49ers and the Green Bay Packers played in minus two degree weather yesterday. It was the only game in NFL history where players tackled each other just for warmth. -Conan O'Brien
Be very careful with this cold weather. Why is it so cold now? It's that chill, that blast of cold air that's still coming off Michelle Obama. -David Letterman
It's so cold that in Georgia, Honey Boo Boo actually wore shoes. In Maine, lobsters were throwing themselves into boiling pots. In Chicago, people were wearing deep-dish pizzas on their feet. -Craig Ferguson
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Law of Cat Inertia - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism - All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics - Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching - A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping - All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
Law of Refrigerator Observation - If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction - Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking - A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy - All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment - A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Cat Disinterest - A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection - Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition - A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
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