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Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal

Sunday, April 10, 2011

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metr ic system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' byABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GRACEISENUF 4/13/2011 10:49PM

    I am friends with Irene and saw the title of this blog on my feed. Oh my gosh I laughed out LOUD! I need to get this test done and have been postponing it....bad I know.

Thanks for the laugh!!!!!!!!!

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DIDMIS 4/13/2011 10:27PM

    That was so funny.

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NTSOHLTHNT 4/11/2011 7:03PM

    Thanks for the laugh! Having gone through this experience more than once, I can totally relate. If only my Dad had not been so stubborn to refuse to undergo this procedure, he might still be alive today. In all seriousness, this is one of the most important medical procedures anyone who is 45+ can get--it saves lives!!!

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ELLENSUN 4/11/2011 1:31PM

    Hilarious!!!! I've had the "joy" of a colonoscopy and Dave pretty well nails it. Glad he nailed the toilet each time! HAHAHAHAHHAAHA

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Saturday, April 02, 2011

You've no doubt heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine?
I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs.
Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans.
And then the thieves struck again!

My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to Me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts - stolen from you and Me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted',
Look again - was it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX - This is happening to women everywhere every night.


P.. S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone!
But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

I thought this was too 'important' not to pass on. Have a wonderful day - with a joy filled heart.
Always remember to Laugh!!
Helps the heart AND the wrinkles!!

P.P.S. Those same thieves just came into my closet and shrank my clothes!

How do they do that????

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SOUPY18 4/5/2011 1:49PM

    Great blog --gave me my laugh for the day. Now I know where to look for my missing parts.
Sue emoticon

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CUPBUTTER 4/4/2011 6:51PM

    LOL Hugs Barbara

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IDLETYME 4/4/2011 8:00AM

    Funny but true! Thanks for the chuckle! emoticon emoticon

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JUDE322 4/3/2011 3:52PM

  so true, so true. we are all being victimized. i actually see women walking around in the body that used to be mine and i want it back

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NTSOHLTHNT 4/3/2011 9:44AM

    ROTFLOL!!!!! Thanks for the awesome laugh!!!!

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    You are a riot!


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EDWINA172 4/2/2011 11:43PM

    Hilarious! I love this. One of my fears is waking up with a flat pancake butt. It will be 2 inches lower and sagging out of the bottom of my shorts, I'm sure of it! My boobs were switched too! The nipples are trying to peek out from under the bottom of my shirts. Where did the extra skin come from? Thanks for the giggles. Have a great weekend.

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DIANE7786 4/2/2011 11:12PM

    The same thing happened to me! The good news is now I have 24 hour protection from the Spark Police!

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FIERCESTCALM 4/2/2011 11:06PM

    this is awesome! love it

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TWEETIBEAR 4/2/2011 9:49PM

    I am rolling on the floor with tears of laughter rolling down my cheeks. How EVER did you get my personal story! hahahaha! Thanks for the great laugh (now can you tell me how to trade my body parts in for Carrie Underwood's?)

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So Far So Good

Saturday, April 02, 2011

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GGMFAY 4/2/2011 10:37AM

    A great lesson to be learned by all of us seniors.

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    Thanks, it is a great video!


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LINDAMARIEZ1 4/2/2011 3:03AM


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How to Mess Up a Job Interview

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:

- "...stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."

- "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."

- "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

- "...asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."

- "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."

- "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

- "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."

- "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."

- "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."

- "...pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."

- "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."

- "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."

- "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."

- "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: 'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."

- "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."

- "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."

- "...asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."

- "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch, and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk." (This would be funnier if he said he had to get a new chair!!!)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ELLFIN3 3/30/2011 11:48AM

    To funny thanks!!!!!! emoticon emoticon

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ALICERIEGER 3/30/2011 9:51AM

    I thought some of the experiences I had were weird when I was hiring people but I don't think any of my stories could top these. Thanks for sharing.

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MRE1956 3/30/2011 6:53AM

    emoticon - well, except for the ones about the "lovely babe" and the bomb......

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The Bible According to Kids

Monday, March 28, 2011

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.)

- In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

- Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears.

- Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

- The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

- Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

- Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

- Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

- Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten commendments.

- The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

- The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery".

- Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

2BEATIT1 4/3/2011 11:59PM

    Great blog for a smile.
Thanks for sharing

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NTSOHLTHNT 3/30/2011 6:37PM

    LOL! Kids do say the darndest things. Thanks for sharing.

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IDLETYME 3/29/2011 8:03AM

    You can learn a lot listening to kids! Thanks for sending us a smile!

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ELLENSUN 3/28/2011 10:26PM

    I like the one about the first commandment. Maybe that child was right.....

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ELLFIN3 3/28/2011 1:47PM

    Thanks for the laugh!! Those are great!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CJSARGENT1 3/28/2011 11:59AM

    kids say the cutest things. Thank you

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ALICERIEGER 3/28/2011 11:01AM

    I always enjoy hearing kid's take on things. Thanks for sharing.

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JOHNWBROCKSR777 3/28/2011 5:53AM

    Love It!

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PICKLEDGINGER2 3/28/2011 5:45AM

  Another gem: The Epistles were the wives of the Apostles.

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MARYJOANNA 3/28/2011 5:31AM

  How cute! You never know what kids will say.

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