Friday, January 17, 2014
The Labor Department reported that last month 347,000 people quit looking for work. And in New Jersey, 50,000 people quit DRIVING to work. -Jay Leno
It was announced that President Obama is going to visit Pope Francis. Obama said he can't wait to tell the Pope, "You know, they liked me a lot, too, that first year." -Conan O'Brien
We have a breakdown of the regimen of banned substances that Alex Rodriguez took daily. Four injections of performance-enhancing drugs. Two testosterone lozenges. two different skin creams. A handful of anti-aging pills. And a Tic-Tac. -David Letterman
Justin Bieber was accused of egging his neighbor's house. The neighbor claimed he caused about $20,000 in damage. He throws Fabergé eggs only. -Jimmy Kimmel
We're learning more about this George Washington Bridge scandal. During the traffic jam, a two-block commute that would normally take five minutes took 45 minutes to an hour. As we call that in L.A., “making pretty good time.” We would kill for that on the 405 Freeway. -Jay Leno
Governor Christie was asked, "Do you think this will hurt your chances of being president of the United States. And he said, "Hey, we'll close that bridge when we come to it." -David Letterman
Alex Rodriguez has been suspended for all of next year's baseball season. And he says he's taking Major League Baseball to federal court. Experts say A-Rod's case is fairly weak. But that'll change when he injects himself with steroids. -Craig Ferguson
People in New York are getting to know new Mayor Bill de Blasio. Last Friday he was spotted eating pizza with a knife and fork. New Yorkers are upset. His first scandal in office is eating pizza with a knife and fork. When he heard that, Chris Christie was like, “Hey, wanna trade scandals?” -Jimmy Fallon
We are learning more and more about New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. Do you know what his least favorite card game is? Bridge! -Jay Leno
There's no Velveeta cheese left in the United States anymore. You know about Velveeta. There's no dietary fiber in it, no iron, no vitamin C, and no cheese. -David Letterman
President Obama has launched a preliminary search for the location of his presidential library. Members of his team are pushing for his birthplace. But I'm thinking Kenya is a bit too far. -Craig Ferguson
Governor Chris Christie is in trouble because his staff shut down part of the George Washington Bridge to get back at a political rival. Yesterday, Christie gave a 107-minute press conference to address the scandal. The last time Christie talked for 107 minutes, he was ordering at IHOP. -Jimmy Fallon
Chris Christie is dealing with a scandal after it was revealed that a top aide shut down access to the George Washington Bridge to get back at a mayor for not endorsing him. Christie was furious when they blocked the bridge. He thought they said they were blocking the fridge. -Jimmy Fallon
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie doesn't know yet if he's running for president in 2016. I guess he'll cross that bridge when he comes to it. -Jay Leno
Apparently someone in Governor Chris Christie's office closed the bridge. This is what I don't understand. You've got a major political figure and the busiest bridge in the world. Don't put anything in writing. Do what I always do when I have something top secret to discuss. I go to a bowling alley and use the pay phone. -David Letterman
Right now Iran's population is around 80 million. Their supreme leader wants to get it up to 150 million. If he wants more pregnancies, he should start by legalizing alcohol over there. -Jimmy Kimmel
My New Year's resolution is that I'm going to take more time off this year. Actually, it wasn’t my resolution, but I'm going to do it anyway. -Jay Leno
The entire nation is in a historic deep freeze. The San Francisco 49ers and the Green Bay Packers played in minus two degree weather yesterday. It was the only game in NFL history where players tackled each other just for warmth. -Conan O'Brien
Be very careful with this cold weather. Why is it so cold now? It's that chill, that blast of cold air that's still coming off Michelle Obama. -David Letterman
It's so cold that in Georgia, Honey Boo Boo actually wore shoes. In Maine, lobsters were throwing themselves into boiling pots. In Chicago, people were wearing deep-dish pizzas on their feet. -Craig Ferguson
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Law of Cat Inertia - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism - All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics - Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching - A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping - All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
Law of Refrigerator Observation - If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction - Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking - A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy - All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment - A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Cat Disinterest - A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection - Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition - A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Friday, January 10, 2014
Friday, January 10, 2014
0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble as he'd forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was extremely upset.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and, sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Painting a Porch
Wanting to earn some money, Cletus decided to hire himself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. He went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
Cletus said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told him that the paint and ladders that he might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does he realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "He should. He was standing on the porch."
A short time later, Cletus came to the door to collect his money. "You're finished already?" the man asked.
"Yes," Cletus answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," Cletus added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
All Out of Anaesthetic
A dentist ran out of anaesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled.
He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.
It all happened in an instant.
The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.
Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"
The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!"
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