SUNSHINE65   56,276
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Late Nite Funnies

Thursday, December 19, 2013

The Mega Millions jackpot is now up to $586 million. The odds of winning are 1 in 259 million. Those are the same odds of Tony Romo throwing a pass to his own teammate in the 4th quarter. -Jay Leno

While Pope Francis was visiting a children's center, a young boy snatched the Pope's hat off. And because of a little-known Vatican law, that boy is now the new Pope — Pope Timmy. -Conan O'Brien

Another Kardashian marriage is kaput. The proceedings for the divorce actually began when she said, "I do." -David Letterman

Over the weekend, China became the third nation to land on the moon. This morning NASA issued a statement: "Sending stuff to the moon is so 1960s. Call us when you get to Mars." -Craig Ferguson

My grandpa told me to remember two things in life. Look out for Number One, and remember your number. --Orville Cogswell

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian. --Dennis Wholey

Would you be more content with six million dollars or six children? Six children, certainly. Because a man with six million dollars will always want more.

Political correctness is in full swing this holiday season. Kids can't even call Santa's helpers "elves" anymore. They have to be known as "undocumented little people." -Jay Leno

A big movie opened today — "The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug." I want to see it because I love movies about tiny people. In fact, I'll see anything that stars Tom Cruise. -Craig Ferguson

Are you going to see those big "Hobbit" films? They have done a prequel, and they have done a sequel. I believe this one is a NyQuil. -David Letterman

In a new interview, Oprah said she’s glad she never had kids because they would probably hate her. Seriously? She gives away free cars and lets people jump on the couch. I mean, she sounds fun to me. -Jimmy Fallon

  
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LINOVER 12/19/2013 5:54PM

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DALID414 12/19/2013 12:10PM

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PDSLIM 12/19/2013 9:09AM

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SANDRALEET 12/19/2013 8:54AM

    The age of doughs put down and disrespect of all

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TINY67 12/19/2013 8:50AM

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ATLTRAINR 12/19/2013 5:35AM

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RASPBERRY56 12/19/2013 2:49AM

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GENRE009 12/19/2013 2:42AM

    those are so good! emoticon

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DOVESEYES 12/19/2013 2:20AM

    This one is for me"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian. --Dennis Wholey "

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Santa & Me

Thursday, December 19, 2013

  
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JTREMBATH 12/19/2013 12:47PM

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MRSVK11 12/19/2013 12:13PM

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DALID414 12/19/2013 12:11PM

    Sounds like a great job to me!

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CHUBBY_MOM 12/19/2013 8:26AM

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Holiday Newsletters

Monday, December 16, 2013

  
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_CYNDY55_ 12/19/2013 2:13AM

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DALID414 12/17/2013 9:23PM

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IMEMINE1 12/17/2013 7:52AM

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GENRE009 12/17/2013 4:23AM

    Ah hum bug!

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PAMNANGEL 12/17/2013 3:04AM

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SUSANBEAMON 12/17/2013 1:03AM

  sometimes those letters are the only way i know what my relatives think they are doing.

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ALICIA214 12/17/2013 12:56AM

 

Love it ...I am a big fan of Maxine.... emoticon

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IDICEM 12/17/2013 12:51AM

  Maxine is my guru. Thanks for the laugh. emoticon

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DOVESEYES 12/17/2013 12:16AM

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HELEN_BRU 12/16/2013 11:56PM

    So true - one especially comes to mind.

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Late Nite Funnies

Monday, December 16, 2013

Yesterday everybody reported on the fake sign language interpreter at the Nelson Mandela memorial. Turns out that he was not a fake but a violent schizophrenic who was hallucinating that angels were flying into the stadium. So at least there's a simple explanation for what went wrong. For a minute I thought there might have been some kind of security problem. -Jay Leno

Yesterday Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly told viewers that Santa Claus is white. Then she said Santa's elves are Mexican and they are stealing jobs from American elves. -Conan O'Brien

Pope Francis has been named Time magazine's Person of the Year. Also congratulations to "Big Bang Theory's" Jim Parsons. He was named Parsons of the Year. Also congratulations to Iranian President Hasan Rouhani. He was named Persian of the Year. And for the third year in a row, congratulations to cyanide, named Poison of the Year. -David Letterman

It's a great day if you like meaningless awards. The Golden Globe nominations were announced this morning. Corrupt foreign journalists who write for papers like the Amsterdam Pennysaver aren't the best judges of excellence in TV and film. -Craig Ferguson

Researchers at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model. -Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly told viewers that Santa Claus is white. Then she said Santa's elves are Mexican and they are stealing jobs from American elves. -Conan O'Brien

In an annual list that ranks states based on how healthy they are, the healthiest U.S. state is Hawaii. Mississippi finished 50th out of the 50 states, which isn't surprising. Healthy eating is not big in Mississippi. Their state bird is the fried chicken. -Jimmy Kimmel

Barbara Walters revealed her list of the most fascinating people of the year: Robin Roberts, Jennifer Lawrence, the cast of Duck Dynasty, Miley Cyrus, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, Edward Snowden, and Pope Frances. What an honor it must be for the Pope! -Jimmy Kimmel

The bear population in the state of New Jersey has sky-rocketed. The rise in the population has caused over 500 complaints. Not surprisingly all the complaints have come from the bears. --Conan O'Brien

According to a recent Bureau of Justice survey, night is the most dangerous time for law enforcement officers. Second most dangerous time: day. --Jimmy Fallon

It's Finnish Independence Day, everybody. Every year I celebrate by doing Finnish things, like staring out of the window and contemplating my alcoholism. -Craig Ferguson

There were huge celebrations all across Finland. By that I mean some people almost cracked a smile. -Craig Ferguson

The Finns are reserved, quiet, and really polite. That's why they're known as the Canadians of Europe, except the mayor of Helsinki doesn't smoke crack — allegedly. -Craig Ferguson

Newsweek magazine recently named Finland the "overall best country in the world." I'm like, well, based on what? I actually don't know. But you can trust "Newsweek" because they're part of a desperate, dying industry. -Craig Ferguson

  
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IMEMINE1 12/17/2013 7:56AM

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ALIHIKES 12/17/2013 1:07AM

    Very funny!

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Untangle Lights

Monday, December 16, 2013

  
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_CYNDY55_ 12/19/2013 2:10AM

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MISSDAISY23 12/16/2013 8:13PM

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3016DEBRA 12/16/2013 5:48PM

  emoticon I hear ya, Maxine!!!

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PDSLIM 12/16/2013 11:27AM

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SANDRALEET 12/16/2013 8:17AM

    The wark we do for show each year I wonder to whot length emoticon emoticon emoticon we would go to be like others

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LOWCARBRENEE 12/16/2013 7:37AM

    Ha!

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MYAKAYAH 12/16/2013 6:38AM

    funny times thanks~ emoticon

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CHUBBY_MOM 12/16/2013 6:05AM

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DARJR50 12/16/2013 5:56AM

  cute

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LINTPICKER 12/16/2013 5:49AM

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ROX525 12/16/2013 5:33AM

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SLLYONS51 12/16/2013 4:50AM

  Gotta love Maxine! emoticon

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