Sunday, March 27, 2011
- Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
- Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
- How come abbreviated is such a long word?
- If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
- Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
- Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
- Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
- If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
- When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
- Do fish get cramps after eating?
-Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
Saturday, March 26, 2011
It can buy you a House,
But not a Home.
It can buy you a Bed,
But not Sleep.
It can buy you a Clock,
But not Time.
It can buy you a Book,
But not Knowledge.
It can buy you a Position,
But not Respect.
It can buy you Medicine,
But not Health.
It can buy you Blood,
But not Life.
It can buy you Sex,
But not Love.
So you see, money isn't everything. The best things in life can't be bought, and often we destroy ourselves trying!
I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your needless pain and suffering...
So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.
A truer Friend than me you will never find.
CASH ONLY, PLEASE
Thursday, March 17, 2011
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.''
Sunday, March 13, 2011
- Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
- Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
- The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
- Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want to people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
- How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
- When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
- You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
- One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
- One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
- Ahh, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
- Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
- If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
- First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper, then...Oh, my goodness, you forgot to pull your zipper down!
- If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, WHY would anyone want to wear a windbreaker??
And best of all...
- I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Great Father God,
I ask for prayers for the healing of the people of northern Japan
in this time of great distress.
I ask for ease and sweetness to enfold the spirits of so many newly dead,
who died in fear and confusion.
I ask for swift and effective action in the rescue efforts,
that people be found, and held and healed as easily as possible.
I ask that the workers in the Fukushima nuclear plants be as safe as they can,
and be treated as the heroes they are as the strive to contain the meltdown of the nuclear reactors.
May their work be effective, and may as little radiation damage as possible happen to them.
I ask that these melting down reactors be brought under control quickly,
that the surrounding country and ocean be safe and unharmed.
I ask for protection for those lands and people,
and the greater oceans, from radiation damage.
I ask that special protection enfold the Ainu people, the indigenous people of northern Japan,
that they and their culture survive this tragedy.
And I ask that the people in my country who are so blind
as to be saying publicly that this is Japan's karma for Pearl Harbour,
and that we should not help them,
I ask that their eyes and hearts and minds be opened,
that they not be condemned to live in such a vicious narrow world a moment longer.
My heart aches, and I have fear.
I ask all these things, O Father, with the knowledge
that whatever happens will be as it needs to.
That the damage be as contained as it can be,
and that the people in Japan and the world
find compassion and love in this time of crisis and trial.
This I ask, in tears and humility.
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