SUNSHINE65   66,722
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Late Nite Funnies

Monday, December 16, 2013

Yesterday everybody reported on the fake sign language interpreter at the Nelson Mandela memorial. Turns out that he was not a fake but a violent schizophrenic who was hallucinating that angels were flying into the stadium. So at least there's a simple explanation for what went wrong. For a minute I thought there might have been some kind of security problem. -Jay Leno

Yesterday Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly told viewers that Santa Claus is white. Then she said Santa's elves are Mexican and they are stealing jobs from American elves. -Conan O'Brien

Pope Francis has been named Time magazine's Person of the Year. Also congratulations to "Big Bang Theory's" Jim Parsons. He was named Parsons of the Year. Also congratulations to Iranian President Hasan Rouhani. He was named Persian of the Year. And for the third year in a row, congratulations to cyanide, named Poison of the Year. -David Letterman

It's a great day if you like meaningless awards. The Golden Globe nominations were announced this morning. Corrupt foreign journalists who write for papers like the Amsterdam Pennysaver aren't the best judges of excellence in TV and film. -Craig Ferguson

Researchers at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model. -Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly told viewers that Santa Claus is white. Then she said Santa's elves are Mexican and they are stealing jobs from American elves. -Conan O'Brien

In an annual list that ranks states based on how healthy they are, the healthiest U.S. state is Hawaii. Mississippi finished 50th out of the 50 states, which isn't surprising. Healthy eating is not big in Mississippi. Their state bird is the fried chicken. -Jimmy Kimmel

Barbara Walters revealed her list of the most fascinating people of the year: Robin Roberts, Jennifer Lawrence, the cast of Duck Dynasty, Miley Cyrus, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, Edward Snowden, and Pope Frances. What an honor it must be for the Pope! -Jimmy Kimmel

The bear population in the state of New Jersey has sky-rocketed. The rise in the population has caused over 500 complaints. Not surprisingly all the complaints have come from the bears. --Conan O'Brien

According to a recent Bureau of Justice survey, night is the most dangerous time for law enforcement officers. Second most dangerous time: day. --Jimmy Fallon

It's Finnish Independence Day, everybody. Every year I celebrate by doing Finnish things, like staring out of the window and contemplating my alcoholism. -Craig Ferguson

There were huge celebrations all across Finland. By that I mean some people almost cracked a smile. -Craig Ferguson

The Finns are reserved, quiet, and really polite. That's why they're known as the Canadians of Europe, except the mayor of Helsinki doesn't smoke crack allegedly. -Craig Ferguson

Newsweek magazine recently named Finland the "overall best country in the world." I'm like, well, based on what? I actually don't know. But you can trust "Newsweek" because they're part of a desperate, dying industry. -Craig Ferguson

  
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IMEMINE1 12/17/2013 7:56AM

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NYARAMULA 12/17/2013 1:27AM

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ALIHIKES 12/17/2013 1:07AM

    Very funny!

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BARCLE 12/17/2013 12:58AM

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DOVESEYES 12/17/2013 12:15AM

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Untangle Lights

Monday, December 16, 2013

  
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_CYNDY55_ 12/19/2013 2:10AM

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IMEMINE1 12/17/2013 7:56AM

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PAMNANGEL 12/17/2013 3:09AM

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MISSDAISY23 12/16/2013 8:13PM

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3016DEBRA 12/16/2013 5:48PM

  emoticon I hear ya, Maxine!!!

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JTREMBATH 12/16/2013 1:07PM

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PDSLIM 12/16/2013 11:27AM

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SANDRALEET 12/16/2013 8:17AM

    The wark we do for show each year I wonder to whot length emoticon emoticon emoticon we would go to be like others

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LOWCARBRENEE 12/16/2013 7:37AM

    Ha!

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MYAKAYAH 12/16/2013 6:38AM

    funny times thanks~ emoticon

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CHUBBY_MOM 12/16/2013 6:05AM

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DARJR50 12/16/2013 5:56AM

  cute

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LINTPICKER 12/16/2013 5:49AM

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ROX525 12/16/2013 5:33AM

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ATLTRAINR 12/16/2013 5:10AM

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RASPBERRY56 12/16/2013 4:51AM

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SLLYONS51 12/16/2013 4:50AM

  Gotta love Maxine! emoticon

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Bill Moyers' article

Sunday, December 15, 2013

The sand is being swept out from under our feet by the Supreme Court Decision: Citizens United, and we don't even know how to swim!

billmoyers.com/2013/12/13/the-great-
american-class-war-plutocracy-versus-d
emocracy/

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

_CYNDY55_ 12/19/2013 2:11AM

    emoticon for sharing emoticon

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ROSALIEESTHER 12/18/2013 10:48AM

    I hear you! This is so important.

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IMEMINE1 12/17/2013 7:59AM

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JACKIEPB 12/16/2013 12:13AM

    I always appreciate Moyers' words. He's right on! Thanks for the link.

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WOUBBIE 12/15/2013 8:33AM

    So wonderfully stated. Thanks for the link!

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SANDRALEET 12/15/2013 7:05AM

    The devil helps his own get rich control the poor cares not for others self centered There are those who help them Fool so many Hear things if to there advantage believe

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MYAKAYAH 12/15/2013 4:41AM

    Thanks for posting this link, I may have missed this otherwise. Its time for the crazy to stop with the ruling class. When there are enough people who don't have enough work, food or hope for themselves or their children the elite ones are going to find out what rage truly is~

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Have a beer!

Saturday, December 14, 2013

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. --Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. --Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? --Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven... --Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline... it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. --Homer Simpson

All right, Brain, I don't like you... and you don't like me, so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. --Homer Simpson

  
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IMEMINE1 12/17/2013 7:58AM

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DALID414 12/14/2013 11:49PM

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GENRE009 12/14/2013 4:19PM

    I don't know if this will sit right with religious people,
but I really enjoyed it! eva

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PDSLIM 12/14/2013 10:52AM

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CHUBBY_MOM 12/14/2013 10:10AM

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NANA2PRINCESSES 12/14/2013 7:42AM

    Like the Bogart quote.

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ATLTRAINR 12/14/2013 7:26AM

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SANDRALEET 12/14/2013 7:22AM

    Yep beer makes men think they now emoticon it all

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Xmas Group Therapy

Saturday, December 14, 2013

  
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RASPBERRY56 12/14/2013 8:29AM

    Saw this posted on a board at one of my job locations.......pretty funny! Thank you for sharing!

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SANDRALEET 12/14/2013 7:23AM

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HAPPYMENOW58 12/14/2013 6:39AM

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SLLYONS51 12/14/2013 2:04AM

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LOWCARBRENEE 12/14/2013 1:51AM

    LOL!

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