Sunday, March 13, 2011
- Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
- Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
- The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
- Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want to people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
- How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
- When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
- You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
- One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
- One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
- Ahh, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
- Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
- If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
- First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper, then...Oh, my goodness, you forgot to pull your zipper down!
- If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, WHY would anyone want to wear a windbreaker??
And best of all...
- I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Great Father God,
I ask for prayers for the healing of the people of northern Japan
in this time of great distress.
I ask for ease and sweetness to enfold the spirits of so many newly dead,
who died in fear and confusion.
I ask for swift and effective action in the rescue efforts,
that people be found, and held and healed as easily as possible.
I ask that the workers in the Fukushima nuclear plants be as safe as they can,
and be treated as the heroes they are as the strive to contain the meltdown of the nuclear reactors.
May their work be effective, and may as little radiation damage as possible happen to them.
I ask that these melting down reactors be brought under control quickly,
that the surrounding country and ocean be safe and unharmed.
I ask for protection for those lands and people,
and the greater oceans, from radiation damage.
I ask that special protection enfold the Ainu people, the indigenous people of northern Japan,
that they and their culture survive this tragedy.
And I ask that the people in my country who are so blind
as to be saying publicly that this is Japan's karma for Pearl Harbour,
and that we should not help them,
I ask that their eyes and hearts and minds be opened,
that they not be condemned to live in such a vicious narrow world a moment longer.
My heart aches, and I have fear.
I ask all these things, O Father, with the knowledge
that whatever happens will be as it needs to.
That the damage be as contained as it can be,
and that the people in Japan and the world
find compassion and love in this time of crisis and trial.
This I ask, in tears and humility.
Monday, March 07, 2011
- We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
- Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
- This is not an abandoned vehicle.
- I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
- It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.
- Life's too short to dance with ugly men.
- Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
- My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
- When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).
- I is a college student.
- Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
- Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
- Eschew obfuscation.
- Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.
Friday, March 04, 2011
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
All men are idiots....I married their king.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Wednesday, March 02, 2011
It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.
Here are the Stellas for this past year -- 2010
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son
* SIXTH PLACE *
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , Carl won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
Scratch some more...
* FIFTH PLACE *
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are more...
Double hand scratching after this one..
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..
* THIRD PLACE *
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?
Only two more so ease up on the scratching...
Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
Ok. Here we go!!
* FIRST PLACE *
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
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