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Words from Women

Saturday, October 12, 2013

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. - Erica Jong

I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job. - Roseanne

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner

This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?" - Judy Tenuta

He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant. - Carol Leifer

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. - Wendy Liebman

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - Erma Bombeck

If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. - Sue Grafton

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. - Roseanne

I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. - Sue Kolinsky

I think--therefore I'm single. - Lizz Winstead

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MARJORIEWRIGHT 10/28/2013 10:28AM

    emoticon emoticon

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QUEENIEBELLE 10/12/2013 11:10PM

    Good ones!

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NAYPOOIE 10/12/2013 10:14PM

    Dolly's great.

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DOVESEYES 10/12/2013 9:53PM

    emoticon Thanks

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DALID414 10/12/2013 9:47PM

    emoticon
I love Dolly!

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Doctor

Thursday, October 10, 2013

  
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BARCLE 10/12/2013 1:41AM

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MISSDAISY23 10/11/2013 11:33PM

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SPARKLE1908 10/11/2013 10:16PM

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PDSLIM 10/11/2013 9:56AM

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SANDRALEET 10/11/2013 9:36AM

    So true

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MYAKAYAH 10/11/2013 12:40AM

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DALID414 10/11/2013 12:28AM

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HELEN_BRU 10/10/2013 11:59PM

    Good one! Love MAxine.

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SUSIEPH1 10/10/2013 11:41PM

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INNERJETTIC 10/10/2013 11:24PM

    Hilarious!

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DOVESEYES 10/10/2013 11:03PM

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Late Nite Funnies

Thursday, October 10, 2013


Starbucks is offering something called the duffin. It's a combination of a donut and a muffin. Who says America has lost its exceptionalism? -Dave Letterman

It is, of course, Nobel Prize week. Today's Nobel Prize was in physics. Here's a physics joke. Why can you never trust an atom? Because they make up everything. -Craig Ferguson

A new study found that American workers lack the problem-solving skills that workers in other countries have. When American workers heard about the study they said, 'What should we do?' -Jimmy Fallon

Circulation of newspapers has fallen to all-time lows. They say newspapers are becoming obsolete. I’ll tell you how bad it’s gotten. Today I saw a homeless guy sleeping on a park bench with an iPad on his face. -Jay Leno

Starbucks is offering something called the duffin. It's a combination of a donut and a muffin. Who says America has lost its exceptionalism? The duffin is a combination of a donut and a muffin, and if you eat enough of them you get a combination of diabetes and heart disease. After four or five years of eating the duffin, they'll put you in a cuffing. -David Letterman

Officials in Kuwait claim they have a new test that can “detect” gay people and prevent them from entering the country. That's not to be confused with that other way to prevent people from entering Kuwait — the sign that says "Welcome to Kuwait." -Jimmy Fallon

We just hit 190 hours of the government shutdown. If this were a "Lord of the Rings" movie, we'd be almost halfway through. -Craig Ferguson

House Speaker John Boehner said he stayed by the phone all weekend waiting for the president, but he never called. What do you mean stayed by the phone? What is this, 1965? The cellphone hasn't been invented? -Jay Leno

The new hundred-dollar bill is different. First of all, it's only worth $10. Financial purists and monetary purists are upset because Ben Franklin, who has long been on the hundred-dollar bill, has been replaced by Ben Affleck. -David Letterman

Germany just unveiled its rainbow-colored Olympic uniforms, which seem to be a subtle protest against Russia’s anti-gay laws. You can tell how much the world has changed when Germans are the ones who are saying, “Discrimination is just wrong.” -Jimmy Fallon

Cell discoveries made by these scientists could lead to new treatment for diabetes. When Honey Boo Boo's family heard that, they immediately got on the phone with the Nobel committee. Little Honey Boo Boo has already started learning Swedish. -Craig Ferguson

This government shutdown thing is getting old. The national parks are closed, museums are closed, and federal agencies are closed, but our borders are wide open. Don’t worry about that. -Jay Leno

At first people thought the government shutdown would last maybe a day, at the most a week. Now people are concerned, and experts are saying the shutdown may last as long as a Kardashian marriage. -David Letterman

A man in Montana says the U.S. Treasury has reimbursed him after his dog ate $500 dollars in cash. That explains why today the Treasury got a call from another guy who said, "Uh, my dog Bo just ate $14 trillion." -Jimmy Fallon

Newton's concept of gravity is not considered a law because it's based only on observable data. In the scientific community, the whole concept of gravity is considered just a "theory" — like evolution, or the honest politician. -Craig Ferguson

We are at a standstill with the government shutdown. Passport offices have been closed too. Interesting fact: Passport lines take exactly the same amount of time whether the passport office is open or not. -Jimmy Kimmel

A Vatican cardinal said Jesus was the original tweeter. I don't know how popular he was. He only had 12 followers. -Conan O'Brien

The New York City opera shut down. They're bankrupt. If you go out in the street and ask somebody what they think about opera, they'll say they think opera is that woman who gives away cars on her TV show. -Dave Letterman

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IMREITE 10/11/2013 12:30AM

    its always good to hear a joke.

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DALID414 10/11/2013 12:28AM

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COCK-ROBIN 10/10/2013 11:38PM

    LOL, these were hilarious!

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Late Nite Funnies

Wednesday, October 09, 2013

A new survey found that only 46 percent of Americans have actually read a book in the past year. Which gets even worse when you hear it was just the instruction manual for Grand Theft Auto 5. -Jimmy Fallon

A college student in Georgia was worried that his parents would be mad at him for flunking English. So he tried to fake his own kidnapping. The parents figured it out when the ransom note said, 'We has your son.' -Conan O'Brien

Cab drivers are now illegally overcharging you for made-up charges. I was in a cab today and I was charged $11 for shipping and handling. -David Letterman

Last night President Obama had an hour-long meeting with Republicans and Democrats, but they were still unable to end the government shutdown situation. So don't worry — while the shutdown is putting people out of work and costing taxpayers millions of dollars, lawmakers did spend a whole hour trying to fix it. -Jimmy Fallon

We are at a standstill with the government shutdown. It is costing $300 million a day. That is a full "Ironman" sequel per day. We could be up to "Ironman 7" tomorrow. -Jimmy Kimmel

The New York City opera shut down. They're bankrupt. And you know what that means: I'm now the only prima donna in town. The opera want bankrupt and shut down. It was over before the fat lady sang. -David Letterman

Most people think the IRS Is just out to audit people. But that is not true. In addition to the people who do the audits, the IRS has people dedicated to defending taxpayers who get audited. But guess which group just got furloughed? -Craig Ferguson

  
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MYAKAYAH 10/11/2013 12:42AM

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EDDYMEESE 10/9/2013 10:26PM

    Cute :)

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3016DEBRA 10/9/2013 5:22PM

  emoticon Thanks for sharing!!!

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LINOVER 10/9/2013 4:37PM

    Funny! emoticon

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PDSLIM 10/9/2013 11:03AM

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DALID414 10/9/2013 10:15AM

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RACEWELLWON 10/9/2013 9:37AM

    Very Funny !

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COCK-ROBIN 10/9/2013 8:25AM

    SO funny! Thank you.

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SANDRALEET 10/9/2013 7:44AM

    And the tea party says they are the Christian party Rely

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ATLTRAINR 10/9/2013 5:32AM

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TWEETYKC00 10/9/2013 5:27AM

    good ones!

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GHOSTFLAMES 10/9/2013 4:59AM

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Spilt Milk

Wednesday, October 09, 2013

  
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GARDENCHRIS 10/10/2013 7:29AM

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L*I*T*A* 10/9/2013 6:40PM

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LINOVER 10/9/2013 4:33PM

    Very true! It seems like I spend more at the grocery store every week for the same items!

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JUST_BRENDA 10/9/2013 10:18AM

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DALID414 10/9/2013 10:16AM

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ROX525 10/9/2013 5:34AM

    cute

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ATLTRAINR 10/9/2013 5:30AM

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CHUBBY_MOM 10/9/2013 5:21AM

    so true!

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