Wednesday, February 23, 2011
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. Enjoy!
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal idea from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put " A DOCTOR."
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you s ay the paint is wet?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Some cause happiness wherever they go.. Others, whenever they go.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon... and/or a shot of tequila.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
To b e sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Mother and I were discussing our mutual weight problem one evening, when I challenged her to a contest. If I lost the most weight in the next month, I wouldn't have to pay her the $6 that I owed her. If she lost the most weight, I would have to pay up. Anything for an incentive!
"All right," said Mother happily. "But let's wait two weeks before we start. There are some things I have to eat first."
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful—we never felt hungry!
But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it, I checked the recipes again. There, in fine print, was "Serves 6."
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Wow, I just don't know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don't you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it.
Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us.
Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie. If it's one thing I hate it's skinny women.
What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on romance movies.
You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn't seem to have the brain power that I find so attractive in a woman.
What a break, I won a prize on the radio station.... tickets to either the super bowl or the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get to go to the ballet!!!
Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the lawn looks when it's freshly mowed.
Shoot, there's nothing on TV but football games. Let's go furniture shopping.
Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced up in a suit and tie.
I'm getting a little tired of steak on the grill. How about a nice quiche?
You know, I think I'd really prefer the four-door sedan to that impractical Corvette.
Golly I think we're lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for directions.
My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don't you use the money my parents gave us to get something nice for the house.
If the guys call and want me to go to that new sports club with them, tell them I'm busy. I really want to get the living room painted tonight.
Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for men who have never really grown up.
If you're looking for me later, I'll be over there looking at the home decorating magazines.
You know, we really don't visit your relatives enough.
Why don't you relax this weekend. I'll take care of the cooking and housework.
Monday, February 14, 2011
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. age 10
What is the right age to get married? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. age 10
How can a stranger tell if two people are married? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. age 8
What do you think your mom and dad have in common? Both don't want any more kids. age8
Is it better to be single or married? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. age 9
How would the world be different if people didn't get married? THere sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? age 8
What do most people do on a date? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. age 8 and On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. age 10
When is it OK to kiss someone? When they're rich. age 7
The law says you have to be 18, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. age7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. age 8
And my favorite is: Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. age 10"
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