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The Five Toughest Questions for Men

Saturday, February 26, 2011

The 5 toughest questions for men are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly ( i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is always: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty..
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question# 5: What would you do if I died?

This is the all-time, no-win question. There is no good answer. No matter how you answer, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not? Don't you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Man: Okay, I'd get married again.
Woman: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
Man: Yes, I would.
Woman: (After a long pause) Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette.")
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HERE2BTHIN 2/27/2011 8:45PM

  Well, I Think if a Man Thinks of the wrong Answers.It's time to give him his Walking Papers. No Woman deserves to put up wth a Dick like that.


Have a emoticon Week.


Karrie
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STACIA1978 2/26/2011 8:15PM

    That's great. It actually reminded me of my brother.
another inappropriate answer to #3 "I like my girls thicker. I don't like them all thin like that." uh...so, yes, i'm fat. thanks.

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LJR4HEALTH 2/26/2011 8:09PM

    Oh how I love this list emoticon

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Sleeping Problems

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Each year, the average person swallows 46,000 spiders in his or her sleep, meaning that, statistically speaking, you currently have 12 spiders in your mouth. But unintended nocturnal arachnid consumption isn't the only nuisance you might encounter in your sleep:

Restless Leg Syndrome: Doctors sometimes refer to the subconscious kicking experienced during sleep by bicyclers as "night dancing" or "bottom-arm move around." To prevent it, sufferers should sleep with their legs caught under a toppled bookcase.

Sleep Apnea: Nine times worse than its medical cousin, awakey breath, sufferers of this condition experience gaps in their breathing, as if watching a movie with a particularly shocking dance sequence. Though incurable, you can nullify sleep apnea's effects by breathing through your ears—stop breathing through your nose and mouth and eventually your ears will take over.

Snoring: Even the softest snore is a sign of impending death—the death of a good night's sleep. Luckily, snoring is incredibly easy to cure—simply alter your current sleep pattern by replacing your normal resting hours with an unending nightmarescape of insomnia-induced vacuuming.

  


Paraprosdokians

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. Enjoy!
 
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
 
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
 
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
 
We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
 
War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.
 
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
 
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
 
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
 
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
 
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
 
To steal idea from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
 
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.
 
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
 
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
 
I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.
 
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
 
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put " A DOCTOR."
 
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
 
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you s ay the paint is wet?
 
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
 
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
 
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
 
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
 
Some cause happiness wherever they go.. Others, whenever they go.
 
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
 
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
 
I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon... and/or a shot of tequila.
 
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
 
To b e sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
 
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
 
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
 
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.



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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CJSARGENT1 2/24/2011 7:52PM

    You gave my hubby and I some good chuckles. Thank you

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GRAMMAP1 2/24/2011 10:21AM

    What a collection of Parapros..... You learn something new every day and I thought I was a great English student. I wonder what else I have missed. Thank you for sharing. emoticon emoticon

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ELLFIN3 2/23/2011 1:24PM

    I learn as new word and laughed!! Can't beat that! Thanks for the laughs!!!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PEEDLE 2/23/2011 8:43AM

    Humor does so much to lighten our day.
Keep it up.
Mary Lou

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2BEATIT1 2/23/2011 1:23AM

    I love your antidotes. They make me laugh.
Thanks for sharing.
Jean

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Putting It Off

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Mother and I were discussing our mutual weight problem one evening, when I challenged her to a contest. If I lost the most weight in the next month, I wouldn't have to pay her the $6 that I owed her. If she lost the most weight, I would have to pay up. Anything for an incentive!

"All right," said Mother happily. "But let's wait two weeks before we start. There are some things I have to eat first."


  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NTSOHLTHNT 2/17/2011 4:32PM

    Thanks for the awesome laugh!
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ELLFIN3 2/17/2011 12:54PM

    That sounds like me before Spark! Always putting off starting!!! emoticon emoticon

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The Fine Print

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful—we never felt hungry!

But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it, I checked the recipes again. There, in fine print, was "Serves 6."

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GGMFAY 2/17/2011 8:37PM

    Probably almost the same size portion you would get if eating out. emoticon

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JAQUANAH 2/17/2011 6:47PM

    emoticon Another good reason to check serving sizes before you eat anything.

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ELLFIN3 2/16/2011 12:05PM

    Oh Nooooooo!! How funny! Thanks for sharing!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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