Thursday, September 12, 2013
According to a new survey of Fox News viewers by Reuters, this is what Fox News viewers believe:
67% Believe Barack Obama’s name sounds suspicious.
45% Believe that homosexuals are polygamists
2% Believe that science is more important than faith
90% Believe that all of the Founding Fathers were born in the United States of America, even though it had not yet been created when the Founding Fathers were born.
56% Believe Sarah Palin went to an Ivy League Law school.
99% of Fox News viewers who were Medicare recipients said they opposed “socialized medicine.”
94% Believe Reagan lowered the National Debt.
15% Believe that George Washington defeated the King of England in a duel for America.
88% Believe that Bill Clinton failed as a President, because of his affair with Monica Lewinsky.
75% Believe that people on welfare are lazy.
24% Believe Santa Claus is real.
36% Believe the “Bill of Rights” is legislation introduced by the Republican Party to stop “Barack Obama’s socialist agenda.”
99% Believe that communism, socialism, fascism and tyranny are all the same.
70% Believe Barack Obama was born in Kenya
38% Believe Barack Obama was born in Indonesia
85% Don’t think Hawaii was even a state when Barack Obama was born
76% Believe Sarah Palin has an “Alaskan accent.”
92% Believe that Bill Clinton left Barack Obama with a surplus, which he spent.
96% Believe the economy was doing great when Barack Obama took office.
84% Believe the Tea Party is a grassroots movement without any corporate sponsorship.
94% Believe the Constitution mentions Jesus Christ as America’s savior.
23% Believe FEMA is building concentration camps.
63% Believe Glenn Beck is a healthy weight
37% Believe Nancy Pelosi is a witch, and that she can cast spells.
25% Believe Hillary Clinton’s resignation was good for the economy.
74% Believe that unemployment is higher now than it was during the Great Depression.
92% Couldn’t find Iraq on a map.
9% Believe that homosexuals are trying to take over America with glitter.
93% Couldn’t name the 7 continents.
12% Believe John Quincy Adams was a Founding Father.
99% Believe that the Government doesn’t create jobs, but 95% of those surveyed credit Governor Rick Perry (R-TX) with creating 1 million jobs as Governor of Texas.
While some of these might seem comical, the most shocking result from the study was this:
100% of Fox News viewers said they wouldn’t care if the entire country fell apart as long as Barack Obama doesn’t get anything he wants.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
On Tuesday President Obama is planning to address the nation. Instead of calling his plan to attack Syria “a war,” he is calling it a "limited military intervention" — which sounds better than "potential endless quagmire." -Jay Leno
Do you have the new iPhone yet, the new iPhone 5? You'd better get the new iPhone 5 because you're not going to see another one for... three, four months. -David Letterman
It's a great day if you like football. Who doesn't? Al-Qaida, that's who doesn't! They say, "Sorry, it's too violent." -Craig Ferguson
Last night a new NFL season began. On Sunday, hundreds of thousands of American men begin five long months of wagering their hard-earned money so they can buy their wives that Valentine's Day gift. -Jimmy Kimmel
John Kerry said during the Senate hearing that we are not the world's policemen. Really, then how come we eat most of the world's donuts? -Jay Leno
On Sunday, more than 1,500 people set a world record by holding the largest gathering of redheads in history, marking the first event that nearly got canceled due to sun. -Jimmy Fallon
The NFL season kicked off last night. Football is for people who can't stand politics but still enjoy watching millionaires destroy each other. -Craig Ferguson
Monday, September 09, 2013
Republican leaders have agreed to support President Obama's plan to attack Syria. See, that’s what I love about our country. The only time Republicans and Democrats can agree on something is when it’s time to bomb somebody. -Jay Leno
Tim Robbins, the star of "The Shawshank Redemption," has begun teaching acting to inmates at a California prison. In a related story, 800 prisoners have just tunneled out of that California prison. -Conan O'Brien
Scientists in England say telling a lie gives compulsive liars a "high" similar to that of taking drugs. Wow! And let me say, you guys are a great audience. I'm just very happy to be here. I love CBS. -Craig Ferguson
A 5-year-old boy in China has become the youngest person ever to fly an airplane. In about an hour from now, people are hoping he will become the youngest person to LAND an airplane. -Conan O'Brien
You can now buy a coffin that has a $30,000 stereo system. That's right. You can be buried in a coffin with a stereo system that costs $30,000. Or you can just bury the $30,000. It's the same thing. -Dave Letterman
An 80-year-old weightlifter has been banned from the sport for two years after he was caught using steroids at a competition. Officials became suspicious that he was using steroids when he was an 80-year-old man in a weightlifting competition. -Jimmy Fallon
Sunday, September 08, 2013
In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your adoring fan.
James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
University of Virginia
It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian :)
Sunday, September 08, 2013
A farmer walks into a lawyer's office and says: "I'd like to get one of them-thar day-vorce-ees."
"Yes sir, I believe I can help you" replied the lawyer. "Do you have any grounds?"
"Oh shore do!", exclaimed the farmer, "Got me bout a 140 acres out back a the house thar."
"No no..., I mean do you have a case?" asked the lawyer.
"No sur," replied the farmer, "I drive one of them John Deer's"
"You don't understand," said the lawyer, "You need something like a grudge."
"Oh!!" said the farmer, "I got me one of those! That's what I park muh Deer in!"
The lawyer, a bit frustrated responded, "Sir, you've got to have a reason to divorce your wife. Does she beat you up or anything?"
"No sur", replied the farmer, "I purt near get outta bed afore her ever mornin."
Finally the exasperated lawyer shouted, "WHY do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, well..." replied the farmer, "She says we jus can't communicate!!"
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