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late nite funnies - 9/9

Monday, September 09, 2013

Republican leaders have agreed to support President Obama's plan to attack Syria. See, that’s what I love about our country. The only time Republicans and Democrats can agree on something is when it’s time to bomb somebody. -Jay Leno

Tim Robbins, the star of "The Shawshank Redemption," has begun teaching acting to inmates at a California prison. In a related story, 800 prisoners have just tunneled out of that California prison. -Conan O'Brien

Scientists in England say telling a lie gives compulsive liars a "high" similar to that of taking drugs. Wow! And let me say, you guys are a great audience. I'm just very happy to be here. I love CBS. -Craig Ferguson

A 5-year-old boy in China has become the youngest person ever to fly an airplane. In about an hour from now, people are hoping he will become the youngest person to LAND an airplane. -Conan O'Brien

You can now buy a coffin that has a $30,000 stereo system. That's right. You can be buried in a coffin with a stereo system that costs $30,000. Or you can just bury the $30,000. It's the same thing. -Dave Letterman

An 80-year-old weightlifter has been banned from the sport for two years after he was caught using steroids at a competition. Officials became suspicious that he was using steroids when he was an 80-year-old man in a weightlifting competition. -Jimmy Fallon

  
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PDSLIM 9/10/2013 3:46PM

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BARCLE 9/10/2013 8:06AM

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IMREITE 9/10/2013 12:55AM

    we all need a ood laugh.

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Dear Dr. Laura:

Sunday, September 08, 2013

In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.


I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.


1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan.

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
University of Virginia

It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian :)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

COACHPENNY 9/11/2013 11:16PM

    This one never stops being funny! Thanks for the laugh!

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BARCLE 9/10/2013 8:07AM

    This is an "oldie" but such a goodie that it NEVER gets old emoticon emoticon

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PDSLIM 9/9/2013 8:51PM

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NWCOUNTRYDANCER 9/9/2013 6:36PM

    Hilarious!

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ATLTRAINR 9/9/2013 3:04PM

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MYREALANA 9/9/2013 2:45PM

    It ws pretty impressive when Jed Bartlett did this on The West Wing.

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CARRAND 9/9/2013 9:26AM

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PIFFLED 9/8/2013 11:51PM

    LOVE this!

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DALID414 9/8/2013 11:12PM

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GINA180847 9/8/2013 11:10PM

    That has to be the funniest thing I have read in my whole life. My undies took a beating when cracking up became a rather wet affair. Lordie, lordie!!!!!

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HELEN_BRU 9/8/2013 11:06PM

    These were really funny! emoticon

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At the lawyer's office...

Sunday, September 08, 2013

A farmer walks into a lawyer's office and says: "I'd like to get one of them-thar day-vorce-ees."

"Yes sir, I believe I can help you" replied the lawyer. "Do you have any grounds?"

"Oh shore do!", exclaimed the farmer, "Got me bout a 140 acres out back a the house thar."

"No no..., I mean do you have a case?" asked the lawyer.

"No sur," replied the farmer, "I drive one of them John Deer's"

"You don't understand," said the lawyer, "You need something like a grudge."

"Oh!!" said the farmer, "I got me one of those! That's what I park muh Deer in!"

The lawyer, a bit frustrated responded, "Sir, you've got to have a reason to divorce your wife. Does she beat you up or anything?"

"No sur", replied the farmer, "I purt near get outta bed afore her ever mornin."

Finally the exasperated lawyer shouted, "WHY do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, well..." replied the farmer, "She says we jus can't communicate!!" 

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUSANELAINE1956 9/10/2013 8:38AM

    That was funny! emoticon

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LOVESLIFE48 9/10/2013 8:11AM

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DANCINCAJUN1 9/9/2013 10:45AM

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HELEN_BRU 9/8/2013 7:55PM

    I guess! LOL

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NAYPOOIE 9/8/2013 7:18PM

    I see her point.

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BJPENNY70 9/8/2013 6:23PM

    LOL

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DALID414 9/8/2013 6:13PM

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Letter from Maw

Saturday, September 07, 2013

Dear Son,

Your Pa has a new job. The first in 48 years. We are a little better, off now, getting $17.96 every Thursday. So we up and thought we'd do a little fixin‚ up. We sent to Rosemont and Seasbuck for one of them there bathrooms you hear so much about and it took a plumber to put it in shape.

On one side of the room is a great big long thing, something like the hogs drink out of, only you get in it and wash all over. Over on the other side is a little white thing called a sink, this is for light washing, like face and hands, but over in the other corner we really got something.

There you put one foot in, wash it clean, pull a chain and get fresh water for the other foot. Two lids come with the darn thing and we ain't had any use for them in the bathroom, so I'm using one for a bread board and the other we framed grandmother's picture in.

They were awful nice people to deal with and they sent us a roll of writing paper with it.

Take care of yourself son.

Your Maw

  
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ATLTRAINR 9/9/2013 3:08PM

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PAMNANGEL 9/7/2013 10:14PM

    emoticon I shouldn't laugh, they may be relatives of mine.

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FUNNIES 9/5

Friday, September 06, 2013

President Obama is trying to get congressional approval before we attack Syria. And if that works, there’s talk we might even consider bringing back the rest of the Constitution. -Jay Leno

Syria's President Assad referred to President Obama as weak. Obama is so angry he plans to ask Congress for permission to come up with a good comeback. -Conan O'Brien

Diana Nyad swam from Cuba to Florida without using a shark cage. She swam all the way from Cuba to Miami — accompanied by five Cuban pitchers. -David Letterman

Today during the hearing on Syria, John McCain was caught playing poker on his smartphone. I was like, "What? John McCain knows how to use a smartphone?" -Craig Ferguson

About $30 million in $100 bills had to be destroyed because of a printing problem. Isn't that unbelievable? The only thing we know how to do right in this country is print money and we even screw that up. -Jay Leno

A new report says 60 percent of teenagers don't have even a basic knowledge of finances. Although in fairness, I'm 38 and I just found out this year that a 401(k) is NOT a type of marathon. -Jimmy Fallon

They're now making the first smartphone that's not made overseas. It's made in Texas. It's also the first smartphone that doubles as a handgun. -Conan O'Brien

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FORESTPAL 9/12/2013 3:08PM

    Gee, I'm glad I found you.

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PDSLIM 9/6/2013 10:36AM

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BECKYSFRIEND 9/6/2013 7:24AM

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MYAKAYAH 9/6/2013 4:04AM

    funny times~ emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LATTELEE 9/6/2013 1:00AM

  Ha!

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KESTRYLL 9/6/2013 12:51AM

    Those were funny, thanks for sharing!

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