SUNSHINE65   49,825
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The Man's Rules

Wednesday, September 04, 2013

So it's about time we laid down some rules. These are our rules! Please note, these are all numbered "1" on purpose!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes or No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question that you don't want an answer to, expect an answer that you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. And if you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, hockey or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.? But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Note: if you couldn't tell this is a joke that parodies male sterotypes. It is not to be taken seriously. If you are a man and actually following these rules you need to be dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st century.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GARDENCHRIS 9/5/2013 7:24AM

    most men do THINK this way! emoticon

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BECKYSFRIEND 9/4/2013 9:57PM

    emoticon

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DALID414 9/4/2013 3:17PM

    emoticon

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BAMAJAM 9/4/2013 1:26PM

  I can only say---- Did my husband write this--?!!

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PDSLIM 9/4/2013 1:13PM

    emoticon

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COLLEENROSTE 9/4/2013 7:19AM

    you got me laughing this morning; mostly 'cuz my guy can't count past 1 either emoticon

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WHAT AISLE IS THE POLISH SAUSAGE IN?

Monday, September 02, 2013

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PDSLIM 9/3/2013 5:14PM

    emoticon

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JEWELMAKER1 9/3/2013 9:59AM

    emoticon

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GARDENCHRIS 9/3/2013 9:00AM

    emoticon good one!

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BARCLE 9/3/2013 8:01AM

    emoticon

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COLLEENROSTE 9/3/2013 4:52AM

    emoticon

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IMREITE 9/3/2013 12:43AM

    the funny thing is menards (llike home depot) cells frozen pizzas and brats in the summer.

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ANDYLIN90 9/3/2013 12:05AM

    Very funny!!

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HELEN_BRU 9/2/2013 11:34PM

    Priceless!

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DALID414 9/2/2013 11:11PM

    emoticon

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WHY SENIORS STILL NEED NEWSPAPERS

Sunday, September 01, 2013

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad."

I can tell you this…..that fly never knew what hit him.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PDSLIM 9/2/2013 6:38PM

    emoticon

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BECKYSFRIEND 9/2/2013 10:31AM

    emoticon

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PURPLEPEONY 9/2/2013 3:49AM

    emoticon roflmbo! That`s something my dad would do.

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COLLEENROSTE 9/2/2013 3:10AM

    splat- will they come up with an app for that??

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ELSCO55 9/1/2013 9:28PM

    lol

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DALID414 9/1/2013 9:21PM

    emoticon

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Never Lie to Your Mother

Sunday, September 01, 2013

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom’s thoughts, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates.”

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,

“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver plate. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”

He said ,”Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her, just to be sure.” He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:

I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the silver plate from my house, I’m not saying that you ‘did not’ take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, your son.

Several hours later, he received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son:

I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with your roommate, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with her.

But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow.

Love, Mom.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CMRAND54 9/2/2013 6:45PM

    Cute!

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GARDENCHRIS 9/2/2013 11:46AM

    emoticon

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NASFKAB 9/1/2013 10:06PM

  loved them all

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DALID414 9/1/2013 9:18PM

    emoticon busted!

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DMEYER4 9/1/2013 8:57PM

  love it thanks for the laugh

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funnneees

Friday, August 30, 2013

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over. -Jon Stewart (classic quote)

If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I'm out. I'm gone. -Craig Ferguson (classic quote)

Politics is pop. Our job as comedians - especially me, as a late-night talk show, which is a broader audience - is to amplify what we think America is thinking. -Jimmy Fallon (classic quote)

I'm a terrible interviewer. I'm not a journalist - although I have a Peabody Award - and I'm not really a late-night host. What I am is honest. -Craig Ferguson (classic quote)

The state attorney general of New York is suing Donald Trump for $40 million, claiming that Donald Trump University is not a real university. The state claims it's not a real college because students get very little education and were unable to find jobs after they graduated. Sounds like a real college to me. -Jay Leno

A brewery in Japan has introduced a beer made from elephant dung. How do you market something like that? 'I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I make sure it comes from an elephant's butt.' -Craig Ferguson

Teachers at nine universities are using a new technology that can tell if students are actually reading their textbooks. Let me save you some time. They're not. -Jimmy Kimmel

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BECKYSFRIEND 8/30/2013 9:09PM

    emoticon

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PDSLIM 8/30/2013 10:32AM

    emoticon

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FITFRIT 8/30/2013 12:42AM

    lol!

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ALICIA214 8/30/2013 12:34AM

 


emoticon

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LATTELEE 8/30/2013 12:21AM

  Good

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