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Friday, August 30, 2013

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over. -Jon Stewart (classic quote)

If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I'm out. I'm gone. -Craig Ferguson (classic quote)

Politics is pop. Our job as comedians - especially me, as a late-night talk show, which is a broader audience - is to amplify what we think America is thinking. -Jimmy Fallon (classic quote)

I'm a terrible interviewer. I'm not a journalist - although I have a Peabody Award - and I'm not really a late-night host. What I am is honest. -Craig Ferguson (classic quote)

The state attorney general of New York is suing Donald Trump for $40 million, claiming that Donald Trump University is not a real university. The state claims it's not a real college because students get very little education and were unable to find jobs after they graduated. Sounds like a real college to me. -Jay Leno

A brewery in Japan has introduced a beer made from elephant dung. How do you market something like that? 'I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I make sure it comes from an elephant's butt.' -Craig Ferguson

Teachers at nine universities are using a new technology that can tell if students are actually reading their textbooks. Let me save you some time. They're not. -Jimmy Kimmel

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BECKYSFRIEND 8/30/2013 9:09PM


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FITFRIT 8/30/2013 12:42AM


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ALICIA214 8/30/2013 12:34AM



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LATTELEE 8/30/2013 12:21AM


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Toying With the Telemarketer

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone rang.

ME: Hello.
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T.

ME: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T Ö

ME: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T Ö

ME: Is this AT&T.?
AT&T: Yes! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron, please?

ME: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.

ME: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

ME: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?

ME: May I ask who is calling, please?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T Ö

ME: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T Ö

ME: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes, sir.

ME: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.

ME: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We arenít selling phones today, Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

ME: Now, thatís 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, thatís right! 24 hours a day!

ME: 7 days a week.?
AT&T: Thatís right.

ME: 365 days a year.?
AT&T: Yes, sir.

ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! Thatís amazing!
AT&T: We think so!

ME: Thatís quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes, sir, itís amazing how it adds up.

ME: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?

ME: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?

ME: You said youíd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. Iím just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh, no, sir. I didnít mean weíd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that youíll give me 10 cents a minute, that Iíll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? Iíve read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.

AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for

ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?
AT&T: Sir, I donít think that is necessary.

ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold.

At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner.

ME: Yeah.

SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
ME: Is This A T &T?

SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is.
ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.) No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

SUPERVISOR: Ok, no problem, Iíll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
ME: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I need to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello, Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan.?

ME: No, but I was wondering - do you have that ďFriends and FamilyĒ thing because Iím an only child and Iíd really like to have a little brotherÖ

AT&T: clickÖÖ..

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PURPLELVR7 8/31/2013 7:47AM


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DIDMIS 8/29/2013 4:39PM

    I got a call yesterday while eating in a noisy restaurant. It was a telemarketer.
They had a fabulous gift for me but I had to be home owner.
They said "Are you a homeowner".
Me "click"
Hung up. None of their business.

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PDSLIM 8/28/2013 1:52PM


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NAYPOOIE 8/28/2013 1:48PM


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DALID414 8/28/2013 11:31AM


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FELINA 8/28/2013 10:59AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
Hysterical ! Love it !

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BRENDA_G50 8/28/2013 7:19AM

    I retired from AT&T and I remember customers like you when I had to call for Customer Satisfaction Surveys. emoticon

It's a good thing I had a sense of humor back then or I would never have made it through the day. emoticon

Thankfully I never had to call anyone during the dinner hour. emoticon

Thanks for the walk through memory lane, it was a hoot. emoticon

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RASPBERRY56 8/28/2013 5:48AM

    There's a special place in "you know where" for those "people" (note the QUOTES)!

Always good to hear stories where they get what they deserve!

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GHOSTFLAMES 8/28/2013 4:49AM

    THAT WAS SO FUNNY! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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HEALTHYPRIYA 8/28/2013 4:18AM


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COLLEENROSTE 8/28/2013 4:01AM

    that was good emoticon

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Being Green

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags werenít good for the environment. The woman apologized and explained,

ďWe didnít have this green thing back in my earlier days.Ē The young clerk responded, ďThatís our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.Ē

She was right ó our generation didnít have the green thing in its day. Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were truely recycled.

But we didnít have the green thing back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.

But too bad we didnít do the green thing back then.

We walked up stairs, because we didnít have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didnít climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didnít have the green thing in our day. Back then, we washed the babyís diapers because we didnít have the throwaway kind.

We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts ó wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right; we didnít have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house ó not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didnít have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didnít fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didnít need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But sheís right; we didnít have the green thing back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didnít have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances.

And we didnít need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint. But isnít it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didnít have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartyboots young person.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EDDYMEESE 8/28/2013 12:42AM

    Lol, I've read this before. Love it :)

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DALID414 8/27/2013 2:35PM

    I loved covering my books with brown paper bags!

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PDSLIM 8/27/2013 2:21PM

    I still rarely use a clothes drier. & my linens, clothes etc last much longer.

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3016DEBRA 8/27/2013 11:50AM

  Loved that one...thanks for the memories! emoticon

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LINTPICKER 8/27/2013 7:50AM

    ok, why do I feel old now!! emoticon

those young whippersnappers!

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TERRY0217 8/27/2013 6:39AM

    I forgot about the bookcovers!! We were "greener" back in the day...everything you mentioned made life easier and made us work out without realizing it~
Thank you for the trip down memory lane!

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CHIBIKARATE 8/27/2013 3:15AM

    I have been green before it was in as a kid I knew things were not right. love it hugz

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PAMNANGEL 8/27/2013 2:14AM

    We were green before green was in. emoticon

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NAYPOOIE 8/27/2013 2:13AM

    Ah, youth.

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FITANDFIFTY2 8/27/2013 2:05AM

    Oh how very very true!!!! Loved it!

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Late Night...

Monday, August 26, 2013

So former President George W. Bush had to go into the hospital, had a little heart surgery and heís OK, but he blames it all on the fatty foods served by White House butler Forest Whitaker. -David Letterman

Doctors told him to avoid any heavy exertion, so that means no reading. He had a little touch of coronary artery disease. One of his arteries was clogged with old Al Gore ballots. -David Letterman

So you have your regular Oreos and they have Double Stuf Oreos. Somebody measured the things, and it turns out there is not twice the amount of stuff as in the regular Oreos. No double ammonium bicarbonate, no double thiamine mononitrate, no double calcium phosphate. Now if you are at home measuring stuff in an Oreo, you should take a long, hard look at your life. Iíll tell you something else right now, we wouldnít have to worry about stuff like this if New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was president. -David Letterman

Last night Anthony Weiner was at a forum for all the candidates for mayor, and he actually got booed by the crowd. Which got even worse when Weiner was like, ĎBoobs, where?í -Jimmy Fallon

Elsewhere in the news, a Swedish company was fined today after one of their assembly robots attacked a human worker. And so it begins... -Craig Ferguson

A new study came out that shows that the germiest place in your kitchen is the refrigerator's vegetable drawer. After hearing this, most Americans said, 'We have a vegetable drawer?' -Conan O'Brien

A prop phaser gun from the Star Trek TV show recently sold for $231,000 at an auction making it the most expensive thing you can point at someone right before they beat the crap out of you. -Jimmy Fallon"The inventor of the world's first artificial test-tube hamburger said that 'It looks, feels, and hopefully tastes like meat.' He was immediately sued by Arby's for stealing their slogan." -Conan O'Brien

I think we look back at times past with fondness because we were younger. Life had not yet begun pecking away at our innocence like buzzards on fresh road kill. -Craig Ferguson

A woman in Britain said that her pet goldfish survived for seven hours in the open air outside of his tank, which is a world record ė for goldfish torture. In the fish world, that's known as 'airboarding.' -Jimmy Fallon

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EDDYMEESE 8/28/2013 12:43AM

    HA HA HA :)

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LINTPICKER 8/27/2013 7:56AM

    emoticon emoticon

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How to Stop Mummy Sleeping Through the Night

Monday, August 26, 2013

OK, here's my situation. My Mummy has had me for almost 7 months. The first few months were great. I cried, she picked me up and fed me, anytime, day or night. Then something happened.

Over the last few weeks, she has been trying to STTN (sleep through the night). At first, I thought it was just a phase, but it is only getting worse. I've talked to other babies, and it seems like its pretty common after Mummies have had us for around 6 months.

Here's the thing: these Mummies don't really need to sleep. Its just a habit. Many of them have had some 30 years to sleep and they just don't need it anymore. So I am implementing a plan. I call it the Crybaby Shuffle. It goes like this:

Night 1: cry every 3 hours until you get fed. I know, its hard. Its hard to see your Mummy upset over your crying. Just keep reminding yourself, its for her own good.

Night 2: cry every 2 hours until you get fed.

Night 3: every hour. Most Mummies will start to respond more quickly after about 3 nights. Some Mummies are more alert, and may resist the change longer. These Mummies may stand in your doorway for hours, shhhh-ing. Don't give in. I cannot stress this enough: CONSISTENCY IS KEY! If you let her STTN (sleep through the night), just once, she will expect it every night. I KNOW ITS HARD! But she really doesn't need the sleep, she's just resisting the change.

If you have an especially alert Mummy, you can stop crying for about 10 minutes, just long enough for her to go back to bed and start to fall asleep. Then cry again. It WILL eventually work. My Mummy once stayed awake for 10 hours straight, so I know she can do it. Last night, I cried every hour. You just have to decide to stick to it and just go for it. BE CONSISTENT!

I cried for any reason I could come up with. My sleep sack tickled my foot. I felt a wrinkle under the sheet. My mobile made a shadow on the wall. I burped, and it tasted like pears. I hadn't eaten pears since lunch, what's up with that? The cat said "meow". I should know. My Mummy reminds me of this about 20 times a day. LOL.

Once I cried just because I liked how it sounded when it echoed on the monitor in the other room. Too hot, too cold, just right - doesn't matter! Keep crying! It took awhile, but it worked. She fed me at 4am. Tomorrow night, my goal is 3:30am. You need to slowly shorten the interval between feedings in order to reset your Mummies internal clocks.

Sometimes my Mummy will call for reinforcements by sending in Daddy. Don't worry, Daddies are not set up for not needing sleep the way Mummies are. They can only handle a few pats and shhing before they declare defeat and send in the Mummy.

Also, be wary of the sleep sheep with rain noises. I like to give Mummy false hope that listening to the rain puts me to sleep sometimes I pretend to close my eyes and be asleep and then wait until I know Mummy is settling back to sleep to spring a surprise cry attack. If she doesn't get to me fast enough I follow up with my fake cough and gag noise that always has her running to the crib.

At some point I am positive she will start to realise that she really doesn't really need sleep.

P.S. Don't let those rubber things fool you, no matter how long you suck on them, no milk will come out. Trust me.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BLUEJEANS27 8/30/2013 9:30AM

    Hilarious!! Sadly, I remember those days all too well! My 2 boys (now 18 and 20) both had gastro-intestinal issues that they eventually grew out of, but they did not sleep through the night until they were 15 months old!! I was a walking zombie emoticon

All my sympathies, and I do recommend having your pediatrician make sure there is nothing medically-related going on. My first son had a bout of diarrhea at 4 months old that caused him to develop lactose intolerance a few weeks later, and he started crying more and not STTN at 6 months old. This was a very rare condition that my pediatrician insisted was simply a sleep issue, even though I kept telling him I could hear my son's stomach rumble and then he would cry and pull his knees up to his chest. It took a pediatric gastro doctor to finally diagnose it correctly.

Good luck!!

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NAYPOOIE 8/26/2013 8:43PM

    I always suspected it was a conspiracy.

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BARCLE 8/26/2013 6:59PM

    emoticon emoticon

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PDSLIM 8/26/2013 1:42PM

    I'm sending this to my niece. She just had her 2nd baby.

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NEWMEISHERE 8/26/2013 7:24AM

    Mine are all teenagers now and I still don't get to sleep through the night,hope you get some rest soon

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COLLEENROSTE 8/26/2013 1:49AM

    this is funny- \I know many visiting health nurses that do baby followup and no sleep is a common complaint- who knew the babes had a "How to Train Parents" manual? They sure don't send a manual home when they discharge those new parents from the hospital LOL

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DALID414 8/26/2013 1:31AM


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