SUNSHINE65   66,802
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SUNSHINE65's Recent Blog Entries

Pain free labor...

Sunday, August 25, 2013

A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor. The doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father." So the married couple decided that they would try this. So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said, "I feel okay, turn it up a lot more." So the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said, "Why don't you just put it all on me cause I'm not feeling a thing." But the doctor warned them, "This much could kill you if you're not prepared." And the husband replied, "I am ready." So the doctor turned the machine up to 100% and still the husband didn't feel a thing. They went home happy with a pain free labor. Then when they got home the mailman was dead on the front porch!

  
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5 Ways Christian Right Whines

Friday, August 23, 2013

www.alternet.org/belief/5-most-absur
d-self-pitying-gripes-christian-right

  
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ROSALIEESTHER 8/24/2013 11:33AM

    Exactly!

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WOUBBIE 8/23/2013 7:57PM

    Very clearly put. Totally agree.

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Funnies...

Thursday, August 22, 2013

A study has found that some people can suffer symptoms of withdrawal when they are forced to stay away from social media sites. This is why I'm not even on Facebook. I update my high school yearbook manually with a pen. -Jimmy Kimmel

Today is Thursday. Or what I like to call on Friday, 'yesterday.' -Jimmy Fallon

Recently, in one of the New York City subway cars, they found a dead shark. Other passengers just thought he was sleeping so they didn't say anything. The Transit authority suspects foul play. -David Letterman

This is bad for the city because now there's been a huge drop in marine predator tourism. People used to laugh at me for carrying a spear gun on the subway, but who's laughing now? -David Letterman

So former President George W. Bush had to go into the hospital, had a little heart surgery and he's OK, but he blames it all on the fatty foods served by White House butler Forest Whitaker. -David Letterman

Doctors told him to avoid any heavy exertion, so that means no reading. He had a little touch of coronary artery disease. One of his arteries was clogged with old Al Gore ballots. -David Letterman

The Republicans in Congress voted to repeal ObamaCare for a fortieth time today. It’s really now less a governing philosophy; it’s more like Charlie Manson applying for parole. -Bill Maher

The White House approved an exemption in Obamacare coverage for Congress and members of their staff. Members complained that the Affordable Care Act will cost them thousands extra a year in premiums. Wait a minute. It’s their bill. If it’s too expensive, why did they name it the Affordable Care Act? -Jay Leno

In an interview with Univision, Anthony Weiner said he created the online name, Carlos Danger, as a joke. Weiner was like ‘Come on, what’s funnier than the name Carlos Danger?’ They we’re like, ‘uh, Anthony Weiner?’ -Jimmy Fallon

There’s a big fight in the Republican Party between Chris Christie and Rand Paul. In an effort to end the spat, Paul offered to have a beer with Christie. But Christie refused. Christie said, ‘It’s going to take a lot more than a beer to win me over. You’re going to need wings, stuffed potato skins, tater tots, ribs, onion rings – I need the whole deal.’ -Jay Leno

  
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NEWKATHYNOW 8/23/2013 8:28PM

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ALICIA214 8/23/2013 12:31AM

 

Good for a few laughs there ... Thanks for sharing.... emoticon

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Burrow or burro?

Thursday, August 22, 2013

As the high school teacher was correcting essays written by her students she read, "Pedro jumped on his burrow and rode off into the sunset."

She wrote at the bottom of the page, "You obviously have problems with homonyms. A burrow is a hole in the ground. A burro is an ass. At your age it's time to learn the difference."

  
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ENDUROVET 8/23/2013 11:05AM

    Good one! (I'd pick the burro every time ;-)

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NAYPOOIE 8/23/2013 2:15AM

    yep

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DALID414 8/23/2013 12:34AM

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FIFIFRIZZLE 8/22/2013 11:45PM

    So funny, and also, so true!

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Diary of a Sad Cat

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Dear Diary: The authorities have removed the black pants from the couch, there is no longer any place for me to sleep. I have vomited three times in protest but there is no sign that anything will change. My only other hope for rest is on the computer keyboard which is nearby but sadly no one is currently using it. I will wait.

Dear Diary: My food dish is now only half full. It is obvious that I will soon starve to death. I have repeatedly tried to draw attention to my predicament with the authorities but they are clearly either stupid, deaf, or just cruel. This may be my last entry.

Dear Diary: It has come to my attention that the authorities have two hands but seem to have made it the sadistic policy only to pet me with one of them at that time. Half of love is just, "lo" which is how I feel. My spirit is breaking.

Dear Diary: I have decided to plead with the authorities to rub my belly. I think it will do me good in my current condition I would like to receive two rubs exactly. A third one, and I will bite the mess out of them as per protocol. Wish me luck.

Dear Diary: The water dish continues to vex me. The authorities seem to taunt me with this cruel liquid that has neither smell nor distinguishing visual markings. A sad anniversary, this is the 900th day that my nose has been unintentionally wetted.

Dear Diary: Yesterday I put in a simple request regarding the door to the garden but seemingly out of sheer spite the authorities refused to hold the door open long enough for me to decide whether to go outside or inside. Or outside. Or inside.

Dear Diary: The authorities have punished me for taking a poop on the living room floor. This despite my efforts to distribute the litter evenly throughout the house. I am convinced that they are mad men, devoid of reason.

Dear Diary: The squirrel was back again today. It mocks me. I will try and release my mind from this torment and groom myself. For four hours.

Dear Diary: I have been stalking an insect on the wall for the past three days now. All of my attempts to capture it have been thwarted. However today, on further inspection I found out that the insect was in fact a thumb tack. There is no logic in this place.

Dear Diary: It is three in the morning. The authorities have closed the door to the bedroom. I can only assume that they have forgotten about me and have left me here to die. As a last resort I will stand post for the rest of the night and sing the song of my people in hopes that they rescue me.

Dear Diary: When the authorities poop I have tried to poop in the bathtub litter box with them in a show of solidarity. I have yet to experience any gratitude.

Dear Diary: My attempts to destroy the terrible plant have all been for naught. Somehow, almost as if by some evil magic, a new one has appeared in its place. I will have to start over now. Like Sisyphus, I am bound to hell.

  
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DALID414 8/23/2013 12:39AM

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BARCLE 8/22/2013 4:56PM

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ALIHIKES 8/22/2013 11:19AM

    This is too true, and very funny!

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PDSLIM 8/22/2013 10:45AM

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GARDENCHRIS 8/22/2013 8:26AM

    so true!LOL

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NANCYPAT1 8/22/2013 6:21AM

    Loved it and recognized my cat in the words of your diary writer.

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FIFIFRIZZLE 8/22/2013 4:35AM

    There will be something black on the bed, failing which, in the cupboard. Trust me.
One Who Knows emoticon .

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DOVESEYES 8/22/2013 3:53AM

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COLLEENROSTE 8/22/2013 3:10AM

    too funny

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