SUNSHINE65   58,708
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Later...

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

The new iPhone is coming soon. The new iPhone is going to have a new feature that actually keeps track of your every movement. Then President Obama was like, ‘Right. NEW feature’. -Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, President Obama met with the Greek prime minister to discuss reforming Greece’s economy. President Obama talked with the prime minister of Greece about the economy. Actually, it’s ‘the blind leading the blind’. Jay Leno

Yesterday, Obama met with the prime minister of Greece at the White House. When he heard the leader of Greece was there, Biden said, ‘John Travolta’s here?’ -Jimmy Fallon

Anthony Weiner has released a 19-page booklet on how to improve life in New York City. Oh, please. If Weiner wants to improve life in New York City, he should move to New Jersey. -Jay Leno

Scientists have found a new link between high blood sugar and dementia. Which explains Cinnabon's new slogan, "The last bite you'll remember." -Conan O'Brien

According to a Cosmo poll, 13 percent of all men admit they have tried on a bra. The sad part, 43 percent of American men actually need one. --Jay Leno

A new study says that women who drink moderate amounts of alcohol every day lose more weight than women that don't drink at all. At least, that's what your wife will slur to you after she forgets to pick up the kids from soccer practice. -Jimmy Kimmel

  
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Late Night

Monday, August 19, 2013

A man in Colorado wants marijuana to be classified as a vegetable. I just have to say that that’s an ingenious way to get Americans to stop smoking pot. -Conan O'Brien

Before they went on vacation, Congress voted to exempt themselves from Obamacare. They gave themselves a special exemption because they thought it was too expensive. So the people who voted for Obamacare for us voted to exempt themselves from it. You know how doctors take the Hippocratic Oath. Congress apparently takes the ‘Hypocritic Oath’. -Jay Leno

The New York City Department of Education says that only 26 percent of the city’s students passed the English portion on a recent standardized test. But on the bright side, they’re too bad at math to realize how bad that is. -Jimmy Fallon

The Mars rover Curiosity is celebrating its first anniversary on Mars. So far, in the year it’s been up there it’s sent back 70,000 photos. I know that sounds like a lot, but it’s still less than Anthony Weiner sent out. -Jay Leno

The NFL is considering hiring a mother of three to be a referee. They wanted someone who's used to giving time-outs. -Conan O'Brien

A new survey found that one-third of married women with pets say their animals are better listeners than their husbands. When husbands heard that they were like, 'Huh? You say something?' -Jimmy Fallon

According to a survey by Playboy magazine, three percent of women can't remember their natural hair color. You know what you call these women? Blondes. -Jay Len

  
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PDSLIM 8/20/2013 1:26PM

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MARGARITTM 8/20/2013 9:58AM

    Thanks I do enjoy these a lot and the best part I DON'T HAVE TO STAY UP LATE!

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DOVESEYES 8/20/2013 2:05AM

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MRSALLIEKAT 8/20/2013 12:42AM

    These are funny. Thanks for sharing.. )

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Science

Sunday, August 18, 2013

  
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NAYPOOIE 8/18/2013 4:50PM

    Invincibly ignorant

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ECONLADY 8/18/2013 12:51AM

    I agree!

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SUSANBEAMON 8/18/2013 12:31AM

  love it.

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LATTELEE 8/18/2013 12:19AM

  True

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Urgent Plea

Saturday, August 17, 2013

A bar owner locked up his place at 2 AM and went home to sleep. He had been in bed only a few minutes when the phone rang. “What time do you open up in the morning?” he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire.

The owner was so furious, he slammed down the receiver and went back to bed. A few minutes later there was another call and he heard the same voice ask the same question. “Listen, the owner shouted, “there’s no sense in asking me what time I open because I wouldn’t let a person in your condition in!”

“I don’t want to get in,” the caller interjected. “I want to get out.”

  
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GGJUNEBUG 8/17/2013 8:30PM

    LOL LOL That was awful. And absolutely hilarious. emoticon

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Death on Vacation

Saturday, August 17, 2013

During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalam, George's mother-in-law died.

With death certificates in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the states for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the states for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.

The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."

The Consul, after hearing this, says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much consdering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case from many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he rose from the dead! I just can't take that chance."

  
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GARDENCHRIS 8/17/2013 8:10AM

    that was bad..... very very bad!!!!! LOLOLOL

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PINKHOPE 8/17/2013 12:55AM

    Great!

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