Friday, August 09, 2013
The Anthony Weiner campaign’s communications director is in trouble for calling a former intern an inappropriate name. But Weiner said he’d take care of it. He promised to give them both a good texting to. -Jimmy Fallon
The ban on giant sugary sodas has been overturned. You can now go to 7-eleven and get yourself a soda cup. There’s one so big that Simon and Garfunkel had a reunion concert in it. The soda cup is so big that the Wallenda guy walked across the top of it. We have sugary sodas the size of rooftop water tanks here in New York City. -David Letterman
Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language’s most offensive C-word. -John Oliver
More problems for Mr. Weiner. It seems the 22-year-old woman he was sexting with, Sydney Leathers, is now here in Los Angeles to meet with LA’s biggest porn producer. They want her to make a porn movie with an Anthony Weiner lookalike. A lookalike? Why not just use Anthony Weiner? He’s gonna need a job. We’ve seen his promo package. -Jay Leno
At an airport in Connecticut a man was arrested after saying he had a bomb. He was released as soon as he showed police his DVD of 'The Lone Ranger.' -Conan O'Brien
It is Jamaican Independence Day. Today in Jamaica, everyone spent the entire day smoking, drinking, and having a great time ˜ and then they remembered it was Jamaican Independence Day. -Craig Ferguson
Jeff Bezos, the CEO of Amazon.com, just bought The Washington Post for $250 million. He just walked into the Post's headquarters and said, 'Add to cart.' -Jimmy Fallon
Friday, August 09, 2013
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies just back from vacation, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions .
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.
Wednesday, August 07, 2013
Anthony Weiner’s campaign manager quit. He says he’s applying for a much less stressful job that has a better chance of success. He is trying to get Paula Deen elected president of BET. -Craig Ferguson
This new sexting scandal was too much, so his campaign manager called it quits. Weiner was like, ‘What kind of person quits because of something like that?’ Then voters said, ‘Ideally? You’.-Jimmy Fallon
The French Riviera, over the weekend, had a $53 million jewel heist, and the police went into action. They’ve rounded up Sean Connery, Michael Caine, Lindsay Lohan, and the mastermind of the jewel heist — Carlos Danger, gaucho of love. -David Letterman
Pope Francis still does not support the idea of female priests. He said women cannot be priests because Jesus chose male apostles. And also because letting women in there would ruin all the fun. I mean, let’s be honest. -Jimmy Kimmel
This is the 26th year of shark week. Shark week is so awesome. I'm surprised other networks don't also have shark-themed programing. Shows like 'Sharks and Recreation,' 'How I Ate Your Mother,' and 'The Tonight Show With Jaws Leno.' -Craig Ferguson
The NFL is about to get its first full-time female referee. Good for them. It will be a little different though. When a player asks her what he did wrong, she'll say 'Oh, you know what you did.' -Jimmy Fallon
There is a big fight in the Republican Party between Chris Christie and Rand Paul. In an effort to end the spat, Paul offered to have a beer with Christie. But Christie refused. Christie said, 'It's going to take a lot more than a beer to win me over. You're going to need wings, stuffed potato skins, ribs ˜ I need the whole deal. -Jay Leno
Wednesday, August 07, 2013
Facebook has a new feature that allows you to see what you were posting a year ago. You just log on to Facebook and click on the 'I'm wasting my life' button. -Conan O'Brien
It's rumored that AMC's show 'The Walking Dead' is adding a zombie baby to the cast for next season. That's right, a drooling, hungry creature that can't talk or listen to reason � most people just call that a baby. -Jimmy Fallon
Hawaii has a new service that they hope will reduce the homeless population. What they do is buy the homeless people a one-way ticket back home. If homeless people don't want to fly, they will pay for them to go home on a cruise. That is just what the cruise industry needs � 'Now with homeless people.' -Jimmy Kimmel
Some jerk vandalized the Lincoln Memorial. Who hates the Lincoln Memorial? Democrats love it because it honors the man who freed the slaves. And Republicans love it because it just sits there and does nothing. If it could cry and chain smoke, it would be John Boehner. -Bill Maher
The head of the TSA said beginning later this year people can pay an $85 fee that will allow them to go through the airport line very quickly with minimal checking. Or as terrorists call that, money well spent. -Jay Leno
Poor Anthony Wiener. His campaign has hit a snag. The first survey since his recent scandal found he is now second place in the race for New York City mayor. He said it’s a minor setback, while the guy in third said, ‘Are you kidding me? What do I gotta do?’ -Jimmy Fallon
Neural scientists at M.I.T. say they can plant false memories in your brain. No, that is not new. Politicians have been doing that for years. They’re called campaign promises. -Jay Leno
There is a big movie opening today - 'Wolverine.' In the new movie, Wolverine goes to Japan. Over in Japan, they don't call him Wolverine, of course. They call him 'Big Fuzzy-Head Man.' -Craig Ferguson
In a speech about the economy, President Obama said we've all been distracted by phony scandals. It's time we started getting distracted by the phony recovery. -Jay Leno
A new study found that kids have better relationships with their parents if they are friends with them on Facebook. That's good because if you're a kid who's friends with your parents on Facebook, chances are you're not really friends with anyone else. -Jimmy Fallon
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at an academic function, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
Sunday, August 04, 2013
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