Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the AAA is not an option. I will win.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers, as a form of holy communion.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this is no problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole program looking for it...though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator...(applies to engineers mainly).
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either whoopee, hunting, whoopee, cars, whoopee, tractors, whoopee, fishing, whoopee, sports or whoopee. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the film. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the 21st century, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.... like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.
This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.
Monday, August 12, 2013
It was the first day of school, after summer vacation and time for me to pick up the children in my school bus and take them home again.
After I had made the complete run that afternoon, one little boy remained on the bus.
Thinking he had simply missed his stop, I started driving slowly back through the neighborhood and asked him to be sure to let me know if any of the houses or people looked familiar. The boy sat in his seat contentedly and shook his head whenever I asked him if he recognized a person or place.
After the second unsuccessful tour of the area, I started back to the school to ask for his address. When we arrived, the child got off the bus and started walking away.
"Wait!" I called. "We have to go inside and find out where you live."
"I live right there," he said, pointing to a house across the street. "I just always wanted to ride in a school bus."
Do you know what day this is?
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he indignantly answered. "How could you think I would forget?" Whereupon he left for the office.
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolate and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful 'Arbor Day' in all my life!"
Friday, August 09, 2013
The Anthony Weiner campaign’s communications director is in trouble for calling a former intern an inappropriate name. But Weiner said he’d take care of it. He promised to give them both a good texting to. -Jimmy Fallon
The ban on giant sugary sodas has been overturned. You can now go to 7-eleven and get yourself a soda cup. There’s one so big that Simon and Garfunkel had a reunion concert in it. The soda cup is so big that the Wallenda guy walked across the top of it. We have sugary sodas the size of rooftop water tanks here in New York City. -David Letterman
Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language’s most offensive C-word. -John Oliver
More problems for Mr. Weiner. It seems the 22-year-old woman he was sexting with, Sydney Leathers, is now here in Los Angeles to meet with LA’s biggest porn producer. They want her to make a porn movie with an Anthony Weiner lookalike. A lookalike? Why not just use Anthony Weiner? He’s gonna need a job. We’ve seen his promo package. -Jay Leno
At an airport in Connecticut a man was arrested after saying he had a bomb. He was released as soon as he showed police his DVD of 'The Lone Ranger.' -Conan O'Brien
It is Jamaican Independence Day. Today in Jamaica, everyone spent the entire day smoking, drinking, and having a great time ˜ and then they remembered it was Jamaican Independence Day. -Craig Ferguson
Jeff Bezos, the CEO of Amazon.com, just bought The Washington Post for $250 million. He just walked into the Post's headquarters and said, 'Add to cart.' -Jimmy Fallon
Friday, August 09, 2013
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies just back from vacation, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions .
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.
Wednesday, August 07, 2013
Anthony Weiner’s campaign manager quit. He says he’s applying for a much less stressful job that has a better chance of success. He is trying to get Paula Deen elected president of BET. -Craig Ferguson
This new sexting scandal was too much, so his campaign manager called it quits. Weiner was like, ‘What kind of person quits because of something like that?’ Then voters said, ‘Ideally? You’.-Jimmy Fallon
The French Riviera, over the weekend, had a $53 million jewel heist, and the police went into action. They’ve rounded up Sean Connery, Michael Caine, Lindsay Lohan, and the mastermind of the jewel heist — Carlos Danger, gaucho of love. -David Letterman
Pope Francis still does not support the idea of female priests. He said women cannot be priests because Jesus chose male apostles. And also because letting women in there would ruin all the fun. I mean, let’s be honest. -Jimmy Kimmel
This is the 26th year of shark week. Shark week is so awesome. I'm surprised other networks don't also have shark-themed programing. Shows like 'Sharks and Recreation,' 'How I Ate Your Mother,' and 'The Tonight Show With Jaws Leno.' -Craig Ferguson
The NFL is about to get its first full-time female referee. Good for them. It will be a little different though. When a player asks her what he did wrong, she'll say 'Oh, you know what you did.' -Jimmy Fallon
There is a big fight in the Republican Party between Chris Christie and Rand Paul. In an effort to end the spat, Paul offered to have a beer with Christie. But Christie refused. Christie said, 'It's going to take a lot more than a beer to win me over. You're going to need wings, stuffed potato skins, ribs ˜ I need the whole deal. -Jay Leno
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