Wednesday, August 07, 2013
Anthony Weiner’s campaign manager quit. He says he’s applying for a much less stressful job that has a better chance of success. He is trying to get Paula Deen elected president of BET. -Craig Ferguson
This new sexting scandal was too much, so his campaign manager called it quits. Weiner was like, ‘What kind of person quits because of something like that?’ Then voters said, ‘Ideally? You’.-Jimmy Fallon
The French Riviera, over the weekend, had a $53 million jewel heist, and the police went into action. They’ve rounded up Sean Connery, Michael Caine, Lindsay Lohan, and the mastermind of the jewel heist — Carlos Danger, gaucho of love. -David Letterman
Pope Francis still does not support the idea of female priests. He said women cannot be priests because Jesus chose male apostles. And also because letting women in there would ruin all the fun. I mean, let’s be honest. -Jimmy Kimmel
This is the 26th year of shark week. Shark week is so awesome. I'm surprised other networks don't also have shark-themed programing. Shows like 'Sharks and Recreation,' 'How I Ate Your Mother,' and 'The Tonight Show With Jaws Leno.' -Craig Ferguson
The NFL is about to get its first full-time female referee. Good for them. It will be a little different though. When a player asks her what he did wrong, she'll say 'Oh, you know what you did.' -Jimmy Fallon
There is a big fight in the Republican Party between Chris Christie and Rand Paul. In an effort to end the spat, Paul offered to have a beer with Christie. But Christie refused. Christie said, 'It's going to take a lot more than a beer to win me over. You're going to need wings, stuffed potato skins, ribs ˜ I need the whole deal. -Jay Leno
Wednesday, August 07, 2013
Facebook has a new feature that allows you to see what you were posting a year ago. You just log on to Facebook and click on the 'I'm wasting my life' button. -Conan O'Brien
It's rumored that AMC's show 'The Walking Dead' is adding a zombie baby to the cast for next season. That's right, a drooling, hungry creature that can't talk or listen to reason � most people just call that a baby. -Jimmy Fallon
Hawaii has a new service that they hope will reduce the homeless population. What they do is buy the homeless people a one-way ticket back home. If homeless people don't want to fly, they will pay for them to go home on a cruise. That is just what the cruise industry needs � 'Now with homeless people.' -Jimmy Kimmel
Some jerk vandalized the Lincoln Memorial. Who hates the Lincoln Memorial? Democrats love it because it honors the man who freed the slaves. And Republicans love it because it just sits there and does nothing. If it could cry and chain smoke, it would be John Boehner. -Bill Maher
The head of the TSA said beginning later this year people can pay an $85 fee that will allow them to go through the airport line very quickly with minimal checking. Or as terrorists call that, money well spent. -Jay Leno
Poor Anthony Wiener. His campaign has hit a snag. The first survey since his recent scandal found he is now second place in the race for New York City mayor. He said it’s a minor setback, while the guy in third said, ‘Are you kidding me? What do I gotta do?’ -Jimmy Fallon
Neural scientists at M.I.T. say they can plant false memories in your brain. No, that is not new. Politicians have been doing that for years. They’re called campaign promises. -Jay Leno
There is a big movie opening today - 'Wolverine.' In the new movie, Wolverine goes to Japan. Over in Japan, they don't call him Wolverine, of course. They call him 'Big Fuzzy-Head Man.' -Craig Ferguson
In a speech about the economy, President Obama said we've all been distracted by phony scandals. It's time we started getting distracted by the phony recovery. -Jay Leno
A new study found that kids have better relationships with their parents if they are friends with them on Facebook. That's good because if you're a kid who's friends with your parents on Facebook, chances are you're not really friends with anyone else. -Jimmy Fallon
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at an academic function, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
Sunday, August 04, 2013
Sunday, August 04, 2013
I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20 plus years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
“What’s for dinner, Zorro?”
Saturday, August 03, 2013
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . “
If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
(This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with XYZ Company. ” You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, “What are you wearing?”
Cry out in surprise, “Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
Say “No” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends, would you be my friend?”
If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?”
After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can’t just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot participate.
Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, “OH MY GOSH!” and then hang up.
Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The Telemarketer will agree and you say, “Me either!” and proceed to hang up.
Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended.
Tell the Telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring you some beer.
Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
Tell the Telemarketer, “Okay, I’ll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I’m not wearing any clothes.”
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”
Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up… louder… louder!
Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
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