Friday, July 26, 2013
Britain's parliament has passed a bill that would allow gay marriage. How about that? For the first time they are allowing gay marriage. If you thought royal weddings were big, just wait until the first gay royal wedding. Oh, my God. How fabulous will that be? -Jay Leno
Today the Queen said that she would like the royal baby to be born before she goes on vacation. Then someone reminded her she's more or less been on vacation since 1952. -Conan O'Brien
Here's some big news out of England. Today, Queen Elizabeth officially legalized gay marriage in Britain. Or as she put it, 'You know, it doesn't always have to be tea and crumpets. Sometimes it can just be two crumpets.' -Jimmy Fallon
NSA leaker Edward Snowden is living at the Moscow airport. He's been there for about a month. He's scorned with no home to call his own. No safe harbor. It's like being an old George Clooney girlfriend. -David Letterman
It finally happened. Kate Middleton gave birth to a baby boy today. The baby weighed about eight pounds. Americans were like, 'How much is that in dollars?' -Jimmy Fallon
I'm sure you all heard the news about the royal baby. William and Kate are the proud parents of a baby boy. Can you believe the media coverage? You'd think it was Kim Kardashian and Kanye West having a kid. -Jay Leno
Bookies say the odds are 11-2 that the royal baby will be named George, after his great-great-grandfather, King George VI. And the odds are 100-1 he'll be named George after the George Foreman Grill. -Conan O'Brien
Congratulations to Kate Middleton and Prince William. They're the proud parents of a brand-new baby boy. This really is big news — I mean, if the year was 1250 then it would be big news. -David Letterman
According to a new study, lying gets easier over time. People get better at lying the more they do it. See, that's why you have to have term limits. -Jay Leno
The royal baby has been born. The royal baby was officially welcomed with a 62-gun salute. Because if there's one thing babies love, it's the sound of repeated artillery fire. -Conan O'Brien
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
A stodgy man walks into a bar and stis down. "Want a drink?" asks the bartender.
"Tried liquor once, didn't like it," says the man.
"Care for a pretzel?"
"Tried a pretzel once, didn't like it."
"Wanna watch the baseball game?"
"Tried watching baseball once. didn't like it. Don't mind me; I'm just waiting for my son."
"Let me guess," says the bartender, "your only child?"
Monday, July 22, 2013
It's illegal in baseball to use performance-enhancing drugs, but I watched the All-Star Game. Every commercial was for Viagra. During the game my son said, 'Dad, did he say 'reptile dysfunction?' And I said, 'Yeah, he did. They're talking about malfunctioning reptiles.' --Dave Letterman
A Utah senator proposed a bill that would no longer require kids to go to school. But then someone noticed that the senator was just three boys in a trench coat standing on top of each other's shoulders. -Conan O'Brien
President Obama told a group of school children that broccoli is his favorite food. You know, it's one thing to lie to the voters, but when you're lying to kids, come on. -Jay Leno
Enough with the theatrics, Mister President. Republicans don't look at these photos and say, "Look how hot he is. Global warming must be real." They look at these photos and say, "Remember Louie Armstrong? He was one of the good ones." They just don't...quite get it. Okay. -Bill Maher
The ladies of 'The View' have to dry their tears, say their goodbyes, and admit what I have: No woman can ever replace Elisabeth Hasselbeck. She must be replaced by "Big Mouth Billy Bass" Why? Well, one's made of lifelike rubber, always says the same thing, and was so annoying it was kind of funny ten years ago. And the other is "Big Mouth Billy Bass." -Bill Maher
Don't send your leftover Romney/Ryan t-shirts to poor kids in Africa! I applaud the gesture, but it's not fair to Republicans. They're going to see this ad and think, "Boy, our message is really resonating with young voters in Detroit!" -Bill Maher
Ten years ago, there were 10,000 border patrol agents. Now, there are 21,000. The new bill would up it to 38,000. Why? Because Republicans hate big government. -Bill Maher
Twinkies are back. You can get the Twinkies at your favorite supermarket or wherever you buy sponge rubber and foam insulation products. -Dave Letterman
There's a new website that allows you to use Facebook, Twitter, e-mail, surf the web, and read all the news in one place. That one place is called 'work.' -Conan O'Brien
The FDA says it will limit the amount of pain reliever found in Vicodin. Which explains my new substitute for Vicodin: two Vicodin. -Jimmy Fallon
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Hope u all r enjoying ur weekend!
Saturday, July 20, 2013
A contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win the million dollars. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.
But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is 'C' -- the cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.
On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
Time was up. "I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C) the cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final answer," she said, breaking into a sweat.
After the usual foot-dragging delay Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is ... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice."
"You're welcome!" the blonde said.
"By the way," the winner said, not being able to contain the question anymore. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
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