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One Liners

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever - so far so good.

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
One Liners

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever - so far so good.

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

REYVNCFOX 7/19/2013 2:45PM

    Wonderful - I may have to re-use these in small doses... emoticon

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NAYPOOIE 7/19/2013 11:18AM

    So true.

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BARCLE 7/19/2013 1:55AM

    These are super~! emoticon

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DALID414 7/19/2013 1:21AM

    emoticon

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ANDYLIN90 7/19/2013 12:46AM

    Lots of wisdom...

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ECONLADY 7/18/2013 11:38PM

    LOL

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Cow Tube

Thursday, July 18, 2013

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow.

The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy.

About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt.

The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.

"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.

"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NAYPOOIE 7/18/2013 3:18PM

    I've had employees like that.

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PDSLIM 7/18/2013 11:26AM

    emoticon

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GARDENCHRIS 7/18/2013 7:31AM

    emoticon emoticon

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DALID414 7/18/2013 1:12AM

    emoticon

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MAGGIEVAN 7/18/2013 1:07AM

    Crazy but it really made me smile. Thanks for sharing.

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ECONLADY 7/18/2013 1:01AM

    I love the good laughs! Thanks!

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FITANDFIFTY2 7/18/2013 12:59AM

    Oh my goodness... emoticon

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Beautiful sight!

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

I was walking to my car from the office, passing apartments and noticing the grass in front of them. I saw patches of clover all along the way. I stopped to look because I remember in the old days there would be lots of bees enjoying the clover. Lo and behold, each patch of clover was loaded with honey bees! It almost made me cry with gratitude.

  
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FITANDFIFTY2 7/18/2013 1:00AM

    emoticon

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WOUBBIE 7/18/2013 12:05AM

    Whew. Glad they're still surviving there!

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DALID414 7/17/2013 11:20PM

    Awe!

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Nate Lite Funnies

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Great news for NSA leaker Edward Snowden. He's just been named Cinnabon Customer of the Month in the Moscow Airport. -David Letterman

President Obama told a group of kids that broccoli is his favorite food. Then he said, 'Is Michelle gone? Cool, it's actually Skittles.' -Jimmy Fallon

Conservative rock star Ted Nugent says that he is thinking about running for president in 2016. Nugent said it's always been his dream. Then Democrats said, 'Ours too!' -Jimmy Fallon

In a new interview, former President George W. Bush called the immigration system broken. And not just in this country. He said other countries also are filled with foreigners and we have to get them out. -Conan O'Brien

Residents of northeast Colorado want to divide Colorado into two states, and they want to call the new state North Colorado. If you're going to go to the trouble of creating a new state, give it a cool name like Danger Zone, or Colorado 2: The Reckoning. -Jimmy Kimmel

A new study found that Americans are exercising more than ever but still not losing much weight. Not good. Iin fact, it's all I could think about on my jog to Dunkin' Donuts. -Jimmy Fallon

According to a new study in the Journal of American Medicine, marijuana can actually help make you thinner. Using marijuana can make you thinner unless you're taking it in brownie form. -Jay Leno

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ECONLADY 7/17/2013 4:13PM

    LOL!

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GARDENQE2 7/17/2013 2:10PM

    I'm actually old enough to remember marijuana brownies!
emoticon

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WOUBBIE 7/17/2013 1:46PM

    emoticon

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3016DEBRA 7/17/2013 12:01PM

  emoticon Thanks!

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GINA180847 7/17/2013 11:38AM

    emoticon

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SONYALATRECE 7/17/2013 11:13AM

    Funny contradictions indeed! emoticon

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HELEN_BRU 7/17/2013 11:13AM

    emoticon

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A Whipping

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

An Englishman, a German and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

The Englishman smiled and said, "Tie the Frenchman to my back."

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FITANDFIFTY2 7/18/2013 1:06AM

    emoticon

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DALID414 7/17/2013 10:29PM

    emoticon

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ECONLADY 7/17/2013 4:11PM

    Great!

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NAYPOOIE 7/17/2013 1:34PM

    Hostile!

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PDSLIM 7/17/2013 10:17AM

    emoticon

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UWPALUM 7/17/2013 9:34AM

    Smart!

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MISSDAISY23 7/17/2013 4:53AM

    oh no!

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RASPBERRY56 7/17/2013 4:41AM

    emoticon

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