Thursday, July 11, 2013
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself. -Johnny Carson
Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples. -Johnny Carson
If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam. -Johnny Carson
Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "storms suck!' -Johnny Carson
The Taliban is now recruiting women to become suicide bombers. And it’s not easy to qualify. The women must be able to push a car loaded with explosives because, as you know, they’re not allowed to drive over there. -Jay Leno
The NSA whistleblower revealed himself – Edward Snowden, a 29-year-old high school dropout computer nerd with a pole-dancing girlfriend, who says he can wiretap anyone in the world, including the president. I find this shocking. A computer nerd with a girlfriend? -Bill Maher
Ever since the government’s spying scandal was exposed, sales of the novel ’1984′ have jumped 6,000 percent on Amazon. Yeah, ’1984′ shows how scary it would be if society tracked everything you do. And if you want to read it, just buy it on a website that tracks everything you do. -Jimmy Fallon
Superman is played by Henry Cavil, who is British. I’m not sure why all our iconic American figures are being played by foreigners. We’ve got a Superman from Britain, a Batman from Britain, a Spider-Man from Britain, and a president from Kenya. -Craig Ferguson
Last night the White House staff played softball against a team made of marijuana lobbyists. Which explains why there were 20 hits before the game even started. The on-deck circle was a drum circle. -Jimmy Fallon
During the summer all scandals will be reruns. That's a programming reminder from the White House. -David Letterman
Yesterday the FBI admitted they do use drones on U.S. soil for domestic surveillance. The FBI's Robert Mueller told Congress that he does sometimes use drones, but he said the good news is that these drones are made in America, by Americans, to spy on Americans. -Jay Leno
Bad day on Wall Street – the stock market dropped over 350 points today. See, I knew Obama shouldn't have come back home. I knew this was going to happen." Jay Leno
This week a man was arrested for jumping over the White House fence and trying to spray paint a political message. If that guy really wanted to get a message to the president, he could have just written it in an email to literally anyone. -Jimmy Fallon
The big story continues to be 29-year-old Edward Snowden, the man behind the leaking of the NSA spy scandal. Speculation is that Snowden is hiding in Hong Kong and could be working for China. Hey, let’s get real. Aren’t we all pretty much working for China? -Jay Leno
A recent report finds that by the year 2043 white people will no longer be the majority in America. And by 2050 people will be saying, ‘I’m not racist. One of my best friends is white.’ -Conan O'Brien
It’s not like we’re the Whig party on the verge of extinction. -Republican consultant and pollster Mike McKenna, being unintentionally funny
Thursday, July 11, 2013
A duck was standing on the curb looking across the street when a chicken yelled to him...
"Don't do it buddy, you will never hear the end of it!"
Thursday, July 11, 2013
My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done – if you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.
My mother taught me religion – you better pray that will come out of the carpet.
My mother taught me about time travel – if you don’t straighten up, i’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!
My mother taught me logic – because, i said so, that’s why.
My mother taught me more logic – if you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.
My mother taught me foresight – make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.
My mother taught me irony – keep crying and i’ll give you something to cry about.
My mother taught me about the science of osmosis – shut your mouth and eat your supper.
My mother taught me about contortionism – will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck.
My mother taught me about stamina – you’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.
My mother taught me about weather – this room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.
My mother taught me about hypocrisy – if i told you once, i’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!
My mother taught me the circle of life – i brought you into this world, and i can take you out.
My mother taught me about behavior modification – stop acting like your father!
My mother taught me about envy – there are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.
My mother taught me about anticipation – just wait until we get home.
My mother taught me about receiving – you are going to get it when you get home!
My mother taught me medical science – if you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.
My mother taught me esp – put your sweater on; don’t you think i know when you are cold?
My mother taught me humor – when that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.
My mother taught me how to become an adult – if you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.
My mother taught me about my roots – shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?
My mother taught me wisdom – when you get to be my age, you’ll understand.
My mother taught me about justice – one day you’ll have kids, and i hope they turn out just like you!
Monday, July 08, 2013
The Washington Post had a contest wherein participants were asked to tell the younger generation how much harder they had it "in the old days." Winners, runners-up, and honorable mentions are listed below.
In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot.
In winter, we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.
In my day, we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were way too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today.
And the winner:
In my day, we didn't have rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.
In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants.
Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes.
In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.
In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked- off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out, it scraped along the tunnel all the way to the next station and it was a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a dollar.
In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.
Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise.
Back in my day, '60 Minutes' wasn't just a bunch of gray- haired, liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray- haired, liberal 60-year-old guys.
Back in my day, they hadn't invented electricity. We had to watch television by candlelight.
Monday, July 08, 2013
The Supreme Court has overturned the Defense of Marriage Act. How about that? We don’t need a Defense of Marriage Act. What we need in this country is a marriage cap. You’re allowed three, and after that, you’re done. -Jay Leno
The Supreme Court has ruled the Defense of Marriage Act is unconstitutional. Once someone explains this to me I’m sure I’ll be thrilled about it. Listen to what happened. Earlier today, Rush Limbaugh’s head exploded.” -David Letterman
If DOMA is unconstitutional that means the Constitution is gay. Of course, no real shocker. It was written by a bunch of dudes in wigs in the City of Brotherly Love, and it calls for a legislature that’s bicameral. It’s a bit curious. Plus, look at that aged parchment and fancy calligraphy. It looks like a gay wedding invitation. -Stephen Colbert
In New York, the new front-runner in the New York City mayor’s race is Anthony Weiner. Some analysts say it’s due to name recognition. Actually, I think a few people recognize more than just his name. -Conan O'Brien
According to a new survey that just came out, the issue most on the minds of college students is whether they'll be able to find a job when they graduate. Experts say it's silly for college students to worry about whether or not they'll be able to find a job because the answer is no. -Conan O'Brien
A new study says that whether or not you're shy depends on your jeans. I knew that years ago. if you wear jeans that show off your thong, you're not shy. -Craig Ferguson
Researchers at the Center for Tobacco Control at Scotland University are working on an invention: Talking packs of cigarettes that warn smokers about the side effects of tobacco. I don't know; that actually might make me START smoking. -Jimmy Kimmel
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