SUNSHINE65   67,649
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Late Night

Thursday, July 11, 2013

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself. -Johnny Carson


Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples. -Johnny Carson


If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam. -Johnny Carson


Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "storms suck!' -Johnny Carson


The Taliban is now recruiting women to become suicide bombers. And it’s not easy to qualify. The women must be able to push a car loaded with explosives because, as you know, they’re not allowed to drive over there. -Jay Leno


The NSA whistleblower revealed himself – Edward Snowden, a 29-year-old high school dropout computer nerd with a pole-dancing girlfriend, who says he can wiretap anyone in the world, including the president. I find this shocking. A computer nerd with a girlfriend? -Bill Maher


Ever since the government’s spying scandal was exposed, sales of the novel ’1984′ have jumped 6,000 percent on Amazon. Yeah, ’1984′ shows how scary it would be if society tracked everything you do. And if you want to read it, just buy it on a website that tracks everything you do. -Jimmy Fallon


Superman is played by Henry Cavil, who is British. I’m not sure why all our iconic American figures are being played by foreigners. We’ve got a Superman from Britain, a Batman from Britain, a Spider-Man from Britain, and a president from Kenya. -Craig Ferguson


Last night the White House staff played softball against a team made of marijuana lobbyists. Which explains why there were 20 hits before the game even started. The on-deck circle was a drum circle. -Jimmy Fallon


During the summer all scandals will be reruns. That's a programming reminder from the White House. -David Letterman


Yesterday the FBI admitted they do use drones on U.S. soil for domestic surveillance. The FBI's Robert Mueller told Congress that he does sometimes use drones, but he said the good news is that these drones are made in America, by Americans, to spy on Americans. -Jay Leno


Bad day on Wall Street – the stock market dropped over 350 points today. See, I knew Obama shouldn't have come back home. I knew this was going to happen." Jay Leno



This week a man was arrested for jumping over the White House fence and trying to spray paint a political message. If that guy really wanted to get a message to the president, he could have just written it in an email to literally anyone. -Jimmy Fallon


The big story continues to be 29-year-old Edward Snowden, the man behind the leaking of the NSA spy scandal. Speculation is that Snowden is hiding in Hong Kong and could be working for China. Hey, let’s get real. Aren’t we all pretty much working for China? -Jay Leno


A recent report finds that by the year 2043 white people will no longer be the majority in America. And by 2050 people will be saying, ‘I’m not racist. One of my best friends is white.’ -Conan O'Brien


It’s not like we’re the Whig party on the verge of extinction. -Republican consultant and pollster Mike McKenna, being unintentionally funny

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GIA_ROSY 7/12/2013 8:33AM

    Johnny Carson was my favorite emoticon

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NAYPOOIE 7/11/2013 11:53AM

    I love these guys!

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WOUBBIE 7/11/2013 11:14AM

    Whew. Good thing I like SPAM! And it's only 2g of carbs per serving!

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HELEN_BRU 7/11/2013 10:43AM

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DOROTHYBERO 7/11/2013 8:28AM

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DOVESEYES 7/11/2013 4:04AM

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ANDYLIN90 7/11/2013 4:03AM

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DALID414 7/11/2013 2:26AM

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ECONLADY 7/11/2013 1:22AM

    LOL

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Duck to Chicken

Thursday, July 11, 2013

A duck was standing on the curb looking across the street when a chicken yelled to him...

"Don't do it buddy, you will never hear the end of it!"

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ADAGIO_CON_BRIO 7/12/2013 10:12PM

    Very funny1

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SUNSET09 7/11/2013 7:06AM

  Thanx for my comic relief for today! emoticon

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ANDYLIN90 7/11/2013 4:01AM

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DALID414 7/11/2013 2:21AM

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ECONLADY 7/11/2013 1:09AM

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Things My Mother Taught Me

Thursday, July 11, 2013

My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done – if you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.

My mother taught me religion – you better pray that will come out of the carpet.

My mother taught me about time travel – if you don’t straighten up, i’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!

My mother taught me logic – because, i said so, that’s why.

My mother taught me more logic – if you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.

My mother taught me foresight – make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.

My mother taught me irony – keep crying and i’ll give you something to cry about.

My mother taught me about the science of osmosis – shut your mouth and eat your supper.

My mother taught me about contortionism – will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck.

My mother taught me about stamina – you’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.

My mother taught me about weather – this room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.

My mother taught me about hypocrisy – if i told you once, i’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!

My mother taught me the circle of life – i brought you into this world, and i can take you out.

My mother taught me about behavior modification – stop acting like your father!

My mother taught me about envy – there are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.

My mother taught me about anticipation – just wait until we get home.

My mother taught me about receiving – you are going to get it when you get home!

My mother taught me medical science – if you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.

My mother taught me esp – put your sweater on; don’t you think i know when you are cold?

My mother taught me humor – when that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.

My mother taught me how to become an adult – if you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.

My mother taught me about my roots – shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?

My mother taught me wisdom – when you get to be my age, you’ll understand.

My mother taught me about justice – one day you’ll have kids, and i hope they turn out just like you!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EVER-HOPEFUL 7/13/2013 5:23PM

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434TERESA 7/11/2013 4:05PM

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NAYPOOIE 7/11/2013 11:55AM

    That was my mother!

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GARDENQE2 7/11/2013 11:30AM

    Your Mother and mine!
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GARDENCHRIS 7/11/2013 7:32AM

    they are ALL true! emoticon

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ANDYLIN90 7/11/2013 4:05AM

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DALID414 7/11/2013 2:21AM

    You gotta love mommas!

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SUSANBEAMON 7/11/2013 1:19AM

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ECONLADY 7/11/2013 1:10AM

    LOL

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In My Day

Monday, July 08, 2013

The Washington Post had a contest wherein participants were asked to tell the younger generation how much harder they had it "in the old days." Winners, runners-up, and honorable mentions are listed below.


Second Runner-Up:

In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot.
In winter, we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.


First Runner-Up:

In my day, we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were way too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today.


And the winner:

In my day, we didn't have rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.


Honorable Mentions:

In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants.
Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes.


In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.


In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked- off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out, it scraped along the tunnel all the way to the next station and it was a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a dollar.


In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.


Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise.


Back in my day, '60 Minutes' wasn't just a bunch of gray- haired, liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray- haired, liberal 60-year-old guys.


Back in my day, they hadn't invented electricity. We had to watch television by candlelight.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NAYPOOIE 7/9/2013 12:17PM

    Got to share this one.

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MISSDAISY23 7/9/2013 6:10AM

    emoticon

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DALID414 7/9/2013 2:01AM

    I have a stomach ache from laughing so hard about the emoticon one.

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BARCLE 7/9/2013 1:05AM

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BECKYSFRIEND 7/8/2013 9:39PM

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TICKLEBEE 7/8/2013 8:22PM

    its funny how much time has changed our perspective and knowing that, we realize that much time hasn't really gone by!!!

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EVER-HOPEFUL 7/8/2013 8:19PM

    lo even though i am not that old this reminds of a conversation i had at the kindergarten last friday with one of the kindergarten teachers.every friday it is toy day where the kids are aloud to bring their own toys to play.my son wanted to take my old click clac to play with(incase you don´t know clic clac are two balls each hanging on the end of a string.in the midle of the string is a little like button to hold on too and using your wrist only you have to bring the balls in motion so they clac against one another)i loved this as a kid.the kindergarten teacher had never seen one before i said this is what we used to play with as a kid.this was like my nintendo/gameboy etc.she thought it was daft(she is around 30) and i remeber thinking i used to love playing with this.how easily we were pleased compared to the kids today. emoticon

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DOVESEYES 7/8/2013 8:17PM

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ECONLADY 7/8/2013 8:13PM

    Great!!! Thanks for te laugh!

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LJBKENT 7/8/2013 8:03PM

    Too funny. Thanks for sharing.

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Late Night Funnies

Monday, July 08, 2013

The Supreme Court has overturned the Defense of Marriage Act. How about that? We don’t need a Defense of Marriage Act. What we need in this country is a marriage cap. You’re allowed three, and after that, you’re done. -Jay Leno


The Supreme Court has ruled the Defense of Marriage Act is unconstitutional. Once someone explains this to me I’m sure I’ll be thrilled about it. Listen to what happened. Earlier today, Rush Limbaugh’s head exploded.” -David Letterman


If DOMA is unconstitutional that means the Constitution is gay. Of course, no real shocker. It was written by a bunch of dudes in wigs in the City of Brotherly Love, and it calls for a legislature that’s bicameral. It’s a bit curious. Plus, look at that aged parchment and fancy calligraphy. It looks like a gay wedding invitation. -Stephen Colbert


In New York, the new front-runner in the New York City mayor’s race is Anthony Weiner. Some analysts say it’s due to name recognition. Actually, I think a few people recognize more than just his name. -Conan O'Brien


According to a new survey that just came out, the issue most on the minds of college students is whether they'll be able to find a job when they graduate. Experts say it's silly for college students to worry about whether or not they'll be able to find a job because the answer is no. -Conan O'Brien


A new study says that whether or not you're shy depends on your jeans. I knew that years ago. if you wear jeans that show off your thong, you're not shy. -Craig Ferguson


Researchers at the Center for Tobacco Control at Scotland University are working on an invention: Talking packs of cigarettes that warn smokers about the side effects of tobacco. I don't know; that actually might make me START smoking. -Jimmy Kimmel

  
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BARCLE 7/9/2013 1:06AM

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NANCYPAT1 7/8/2013 9:47PM

    Really enjoyed these. Laughter is good for your body, mind, and spirit.

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