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Paraprosdokians

Thursday, July 04, 2013

(Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Enjoy!

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. (ever been to K MART)

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ECONLADY 7/4/2013 6:27PM

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JEANSHEP2 7/4/2013 3:14PM

    I loved these. I like the tomato one the best! Thanks for sharing such a fun blog.

Jean

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NAYPOOIE 7/4/2013 12:21PM

    I like # 17

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WOUBBIE 7/4/2013 11:32AM

    LOL! I could use nearly all of these!

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HELEN_BRU 7/4/2013 9:17AM

    I love those too!

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BECKYSFRIEND 7/4/2013 8:00AM

    #9 emoticon

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JUST_BRENDA 7/4/2013 7:19AM

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DIXIEMCCALL 7/4/2013 4:17AM

    I can SO relate to #5!

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LOSIN_IT4GOOD 7/4/2013 4:09AM

    LOL! #12 reminds me of a T-shirt I saw....
If at first you don't succeed...skydiving is not for you. emoticon

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COLLEENROSTE 7/4/2013 3:59AM

    very fun blog, thanks for sharing the list

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DOVESEYES 7/4/2013 2:03AM

    emoticon

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DALID414 7/4/2013 12:45AM

    I can see why Churchill loved them! emoticon

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ERIECANALGAL 7/4/2013 12:39AM

    I LOVE these. They are so cool! Gave me a chuckle!

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LATTELEE 7/4/2013 12:35AM

  Thanks

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Perfect day!

Thursday, July 04, 2013

When I married Donna, I could get both hands around her waist," said my husband's grandfather. Pointing at his full-figured wife, he boasted, "Now look how much I got. That's what I call an investment!"

***

My wife's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how she died really...She was attacked by a giant crab.

***

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast.

Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

***

While doing a crossword puzzle, I asked for my husband's help.

"The word is eight letters long and starts with 'm', and the clue is 'tiresome sameness.'"

"Monogamy," he answered.


***

Teeing off on the 12th hole at a golf resort, we stopped to buy cold drinks from the young woman driving the beverage cart. As my buddy reached for his wallet, he said to her, "You're in great shape. You must work out a lot."

Flattered, she gave him a big smile and gushed, "Oh, thank you so much!"

The next day a different young woman was driving the cart. "Watch this," I whispered. I walked up to her and said, "Wow, you must work out a lot."

"Yeah," she replied flatly. "You should try it."

  
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JEANSHEP2 7/4/2013 3:26PM

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ALICIA214 7/4/2013 12:26AM

 


ooops!!! emoticon

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Call in Fat?

Thursday, July 04, 2013

President Obama spoke was in Germany and spoke at the Brandenburg Gate, which divided that city during the Cold War. Obama said it’s taught me a lot. When I was a kid, West Germany taught me the importance of standing tall, and East Germany taught me the importance of reading everyone’s mail. -Bill Maher


Mitt Romney’s former campaign manager has launched a super PAC to stop Hillary Clinton from becoming president. It makes sense because if there’s one thing Romney’s campaign manager is good at, it’s stopping someone from becoming president. -Jimmy Fallon



What a bad week for the stock market. Yesterday was so bad the numbers looked worse than a Paula Deen talk show on the BET network. -Jay Leno



The American Medical Association declared obesity a disease. People are already taking advantage of this; they’re calling in sick with a case of the fats. -Bill Maher

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JEANSHEP2 7/4/2013 3:23PM

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BECKYSFRIEND 7/4/2013 7:59AM

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LOSIN_IT4GOOD 7/4/2013 4:10AM

    LOL! Love it!

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NAYPOOIE 7/4/2013 1:23AM

    Calling in fat, love it!

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Later fite nunnies

Tuesday, July 02, 2013

The Supreme Court has overturned the Defense of Marriage Act. How about that? We don't need a Defense of Marriage Act. What we need in this country is a marriage cap. You're allowed three, and after that, you're done. -Jay Leno


If DOMA is unconstitutional that means the Constitution is gay. Of course, no real shocker. It was written by a bunch of dudes in wigs in the City of Brotherly Love, and it calls for a legislature that's n institution that bicameral. It's a bit curious. Plus, look at that aged parchment and fancy calligraphy. It looks like a gay wedding invitation. -Stephen Colbert


The Supreme Court has ruled the Defense of Marriage Act is unconstitutional. Once someone explains this to me I'm sure I'll be thrilled about it. Listen to what happened. Earlier today, Rush Limbaugh's head exploded. -David Letterman


The term 'Big Brother' is from George Orwell's book '1984' – where everyone's watched over by a network of cameras called Big Brother. I've never understood why Orwell chose that phrase for somebody watching you all the time. Isn't that more like 'Creepy Uncle'? -Craig Ferguson

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JEANSHEP2 7/4/2013 3:18PM

    I would really like to be there when Rush Limbough's head explodes!

Thanks for sharing.


Jean

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NAYPOOIE 7/3/2013 10:57AM

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HELEN_BRU 7/3/2013 7:53AM

    I love that zany Craig Ferguson!

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ECONLADY 7/3/2013 12:03AM

    LOL

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IKEA wardrobe...

Tuesday, July 02, 2013

A very well-known international furniture and interior decoration D.I.Y. Store recently set up a customer assistance department. The first call they got was from a lady who had purchased a wardrobe early in the morning. She explained that after assembly the wardrobe had crumbled three times when the public transport bus passed in front of her house. The store sent a technician over to her place. He reassembled the wardrobe - which was in the hall on the second floor - and then got into it to observe what would happen when the bus, which was due a few minutes later, went by. The phone rang then and the lady went downstairs to take the call. Just then her husband came home from work with a terrible flu condition. Hearing his wife on the phone he trudged upstairs where he found the wardrobe; on opening one of the doors and seeing the man inside he exclaimed "What the dickens are you doing in there!?!" To which the guy replied "I know you'll never believe this, but I'm waiting for the bus!!"

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JEANSHEP2 7/4/2013 3:21PM

    Funny, funny!

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JAM03476 7/3/2013 5:42PM

    way to funny!

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NAYPOOIE 7/3/2013 10:58AM

    Yeah, I might have been skeptical.

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EVER-HOPEFUL 7/3/2013 9:30AM

    love it.thanks i needed that laugh right now emoticon

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