SUNSHINE65   63,283
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Late, late, late...

Thursday, June 06, 2013

Top Ten Other Names Considered by Vin Diesel

10. Din Viesel
9. Dirk Nozzle
8. Don Cheadle
7. Van Decal
6. Vindlebert Humperdiesel
5. Beef Recall
4. Jean-Claude Van Diesel
3. Witch Hazel
2. Veal Schnitzel
1. Vin Cougar Mellendiesel

David Letterman


China is the winner in the Iraq war? They weren't even nominated! China's not even in the running! Don't you have to be in a war to win it? China... you've already beaten us in synchronized drumming, bear cuteness, air chewability, and you've gotta take this from us too? -Jon Stewart


By the way, I'm not a microbiologist so, in this story, I don't need to see your virus porn. I don't know what that is! I have no idea if that picture means "We're all gonna die!" or "Congratulations you're having triplets!" -Jon Stewart


Tonight I come to you with a heavy heart. And not just because my pre-show cocktail is a bourbon and Nutella. No folks, I am ensaddened by the recent announced retirement of "an" conservative giant Michelle Bachmann. The congresswoman who represents Minnesota's "Valley of the Dolls". -Stephen Colbert

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WOUBBIE 6/6/2013 8:40AM

    "Ensaddened" needs to be added to the dictionary.

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DOVESEYES 6/6/2013 12:57AM

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DALID414 6/6/2013 12:50AM

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Soap opera...

Tuesday, June 04, 2013

They were watching a TV soap opera, and he became irritated by the way his wife was taking it to heart. "How can you sit there and cry about the made-up troubles of people you've never even met?" he demanded.

"The same way you can jump up and scream when some guy you've never met scores a touchdown," she replied.

  
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KATSTEAM 6/7/2013 4:23PM

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HELEN_BRU 6/5/2013 10:34AM

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GIA_ROSY 6/5/2013 6:37AM

    Love it.... emoticon

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DOVESEYES 6/5/2013 3:35AM

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DALID414 6/4/2013 11:31PM

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KELLIEBEAN 6/4/2013 11:18PM

    Nice!

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SONYALATRECE 6/4/2013 10:59PM

    Good one!

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late nite funnies...

Tuesday, June 04, 2013

The South Carolina couple planning a dolphin-assisted birth where they have their baby while swimming with dolphins have to further infuriate conservatives by claiming the whole thing is covered by Obamacare. Also, they have to bring a photographer, because I for one want to see the looks on their faces when those dolphins eat that baby. -Bill Maher

Michele Bachmann isn't done until I say she's done! Oh, Michele with your fourth-grade education and your google eyes, I'm going to miss you. I need you, baby. Now, get back out there and keep saying things that make you completely indistinguishable from Amanda Bynes. -Bill Maher

If America makes a movie as sub-mental as "Fast and the Furious 6" and the rest of the world pays to see it, they have to admit they're just encouraging us. And don't call the next one "Fast and Furious 7." That number if way too complicated for your fans. Call it, "Me Like Watch Rock Play with Cars." -Bill Maher

Pot is the new gay marriage. And, by that, I mean, it's the next obvious civil rights issue that needs to fall. Now, if I asked you, what has been the biggest change in American society over the past 20 years, what would you say? Instagram? Coconut water? Crocs? All important. But, no. It's that a generation ago, the closest thing to gay marriage was Liza Minnelli and David Guest. In 1988, only 10% of Americans approved of gay marriage. Today, that figure is almost 60%. So, what happened? What made gay marriage so normal so quickly? Now, sure, part of it was "Dancing with the Stars." But, mostly, it was because gays simply demanded it. -Bill Maher

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

OAKASHANDTHORN 6/5/2013 4:00AM

    I love it!

Hope to get a daily dose of your blogs.

Laughter is good for the soul.

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DALID414 6/4/2013 11:33PM

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BUNCHA LATE NITE FUNNEES

Monday, June 03, 2013

Anthony Weiner is running for mayor of New York City and he had to change his campaign website yesterday because it accidentally showed a picture of the Pittsburgh skyline instead of Manhattan. Or as Weiner calls it, 'an embarrassing photo I can live with.' -Jimmy Fallon

Anthony Weiner accidentally used a picture of the Pittsburgh skyline on his website instead of Manhattan. And that's not all, it doesn't stop there. Remember those pictures he tweeted of his male member? It wasn't his. It was Brett Favre's. -Jay Leno

According to the Boston Globe, First Lady Michelle Obama and her daughters will stay on Martha's Vineyard for the summer. You can tell President Obama is getting a little defensive. When a reporter asked him about the trip, he said he had no prior knowledge of the vacation, he just learned about it from the media. -Jay Leno

A seven-year-old boy from Milwaukee, a kid by the name of Miles Nelson, wrote a letter to the vice president. He has an interesting solution to our problem with gun violence. Miles wrote, 'I think guns should shoot out chocolate bullets.' Believe it or not, the vice president actually wrote Miles back. He wrote, 'I really like your idea. If we had guns that shot chocolate, not only would our country be safer, it would be happier. Happier people love chocolate.' Do you really want a politician to get behind gun with chocolate bullets? The guy you should be writing to is Chris Christie. He will get this done. -Jimmy Kimmel

Have you folks been paying attention to what’s going on in Washington? In a matter of six weeks we have three big scandals, and it looks like President Obama and all his buddies in the White House may go to prison. Finally, some good news for the Romney campaign. -David Letterman

This whole IRS thing has become a huge story. They apparently were targeting conservative groups like the tea party. You know it’s bad when President Obama says, ‘Hey, why don’t we talk about Benghazi?' -Jay Leno

President Obama is not having a good week. With three scandals shaking the White House, they’re saying this is one of the worst weeks of Obama’s presidency. Obama was like, ‘How could things get worse?’ And Joe Biden was like, ‘You rang?’ -Jimmy Fallon

“In a new interview, Joe Biden says he spends four or five hours every day with President Obama. In response, Obama said ‘Hiring that Obama impersonator was the best decision I’ve ever made’ -Conan O'Brien

If you think Benghazi is worse than slavery, the Trail of Tears, Japanese internment, Tuskegee, purposefully injecting Guatemalan mental patients with syphilis, lying about WMDs, and the fact that banks today are still foreclosing on mortgages they don’t own, then your hard-on for Obama has lasted more than four hours, and you need to call a doctor. -Bill Maher

Top Ten Things I've Learned As A Late Show Intern

10. "Laugh at the jokes whether they're funny or not" (Randi Furman)
9. "Attention to detail is super implortant" (Emily Erotas)
8. "Buying 100% pure grain alcohol is not as easy as it sounds" (Victoria Disque)
7. "There's no better way to work for free and learn nothing about show business" (Sasha Lildharrie)
6. "Weekly transfusions of our youthful blood keep Dave alive" (Paul Napoli)
5. "The camera loves me" (Kevin Noonan)
4. "It's more fun to watch television than to work in television" (Sophie Boudreau)
3. "Snitches get stitches" (Jason Seligson)
2. "After several months, you start to have feelings for the photocopier" (Neal Fessler)
1. "I should've interned for a Jimmy" (Ryan Wilson)

David Letterman

Most of the media resisted picking up the Fox News talking points about Benghazi because they were made up, but now that’s there’s three bull manure scandals that we’re in, we are so there. They are so obsessed with this, Amanda Knox could fall down a well and get eaten by a shark, they wouldn’t report it this week. -Bill Maher

Doesn’t it matter that these are all bull manure? The Benghazi scandal continues to fall apart. We found out today that Republicans who leaked the emails last week changed the wording. No it doesn’t matter because they’re in their bubble. That’s where they live. I thought after the election that the bubble would become more permeable. No, it’s like Chris Christie. Without corrective surgery, it just gets thicker. -Bill Maher

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DALID414 6/3/2013 11:45AM

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MARGARITTM 6/3/2013 10:31AM

    These are great and I don't have to stay up!

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YMWONG22 6/3/2013 3:33AM

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Pain in the leg...

Sunday, June 02, 2013

An Old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg. "I am afraid it's just old age", replied the doctor, "there is nothing we can do about it."

"That can't be," fumed the old man, "you don't know what you are doing."

"How can you possibly know I am wrong?" countered the doctor.

"Well it's quite obvious," the old man replied, "my other leg is fine, and it's the exact same age!"

  
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NEWKATHYNOW 6/6/2013 10:45PM

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CARRAND 6/3/2013 10:01AM

    He has a point there.

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