Tuesday, June 04, 2013
The South Carolina couple planning a dolphin-assisted birth where they have their baby while swimming with dolphins have to further infuriate conservatives by claiming the whole thing is covered by Obamacare. Also, they have to bring a photographer, because I for one want to see the looks on their faces when those dolphins eat that baby. -Bill Maher
Michele Bachmann isn't done until I say she's done! Oh, Michele with your fourth-grade education and your google eyes, I'm going to miss you. I need you, baby. Now, get back out there and keep saying things that make you completely indistinguishable from Amanda Bynes. -Bill Maher
If America makes a movie as sub-mental as "Fast and the Furious 6" and the rest of the world pays to see it, they have to admit they're just encouraging us. And don't call the next one "Fast and Furious 7." That number if way too complicated for your fans. Call it, "Me Like Watch Rock Play with Cars." -Bill Maher
Pot is the new gay marriage. And, by that, I mean, it's the next obvious civil rights issue that needs to fall. Now, if I asked you, what has been the biggest change in American society over the past 20 years, what would you say? Instagram? Coconut water? Crocs? All important. But, no. It's that a generation ago, the closest thing to gay marriage was Liza Minnelli and David Guest. In 1988, only 10% of Americans approved of gay marriage. Today, that figure is almost 60%. So, what happened? What made gay marriage so normal so quickly? Now, sure, part of it was "Dancing with the Stars." But, mostly, it was because gays simply demanded it. -Bill Maher
Monday, June 03, 2013
Anthony Weiner is running for mayor of New York City and he had to change his campaign website yesterday because it accidentally showed a picture of the Pittsburgh skyline instead of Manhattan. Or as Weiner calls it, 'an embarrassing photo I can live with.' -Jimmy Fallon
Anthony Weiner accidentally used a picture of the Pittsburgh skyline on his website instead of Manhattan. And that's not all, it doesn't stop there. Remember those pictures he tweeted of his male member? It wasn't his. It was Brett Favre's. -Jay Leno
According to the Boston Globe, First Lady Michelle Obama and her daughters will stay on Martha's Vineyard for the summer. You can tell President Obama is getting a little defensive. When a reporter asked him about the trip, he said he had no prior knowledge of the vacation, he just learned about it from the media. -Jay Leno
A seven-year-old boy from Milwaukee, a kid by the name of Miles Nelson, wrote a letter to the vice president. He has an interesting solution to our problem with gun violence. Miles wrote, 'I think guns should shoot out chocolate bullets.' Believe it or not, the vice president actually wrote Miles back. He wrote, 'I really like your idea. If we had guns that shot chocolate, not only would our country be safer, it would be happier. Happier people love chocolate.' Do you really want a politician to get behind gun with chocolate bullets? The guy you should be writing to is Chris Christie. He will get this done. -Jimmy Kimmel
Have you folks been paying attention to what’s going on in Washington? In a matter of six weeks we have three big scandals, and it looks like President Obama and all his buddies in the White House may go to prison. Finally, some good news for the Romney campaign. -David Letterman
This whole IRS thing has become a huge story. They apparently were targeting conservative groups like the tea party. You know it’s bad when President Obama says, ‘Hey, why don’t we talk about Benghazi?' -Jay Leno
President Obama is not having a good week. With three scandals shaking the White House, they’re saying this is one of the worst weeks of Obama’s presidency. Obama was like, ‘How could things get worse?’ And Joe Biden was like, ‘You rang?’ -Jimmy Fallon
“In a new interview, Joe Biden says he spends four or five hours every day with President Obama. In response, Obama said ‘Hiring that Obama impersonator was the best decision I’ve ever made’ -Conan O'Brien
If you think Benghazi is worse than slavery, the Trail of Tears, Japanese internment, Tuskegee, purposefully injecting Guatemalan mental patients with syphilis, lying about WMDs, and the fact that banks today are still foreclosing on mortgages they don’t own, then your hard-on for Obama has lasted more than four hours, and you need to call a doctor. -Bill Maher
Top Ten Things I've Learned As A Late Show Intern
10. "Laugh at the jokes whether they're funny or not" (Randi Furman)
9. "Attention to detail is super implortant" (Emily Erotas)
8. "Buying 100% pure grain alcohol is not as easy as it sounds" (Victoria Disque)
7. "There's no better way to work for free and learn nothing about show business" (Sasha Lildharrie)
6. "Weekly transfusions of our youthful blood keep Dave alive" (Paul Napoli)
5. "The camera loves me" (Kevin Noonan)
4. "It's more fun to watch television than to work in television" (Sophie Boudreau)
3. "Snitches get stitches" (Jason Seligson)
2. "After several months, you start to have feelings for the photocopier" (Neal Fessler)
1. "I should've interned for a Jimmy" (Ryan Wilson)
Most of the media resisted picking up the Fox News talking points about Benghazi because they were made up, but now that’s there’s three bull manure scandals that we’re in, we are so there. They are so obsessed with this, Amanda Knox could fall down a well and get eaten by a shark, they wouldn’t report it this week. -Bill Maher
Doesn’t it matter that these are all bull manure? The Benghazi scandal continues to fall apart. We found out today that Republicans who leaked the emails last week changed the wording. No it doesn’t matter because they’re in their bubble. That’s where they live. I thought after the election that the bubble would become more permeable. No, it’s like Chris Christie. Without corrective surgery, it just gets thicker. -Bill Maher
Sunday, June 02, 2013
An Old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg. "I am afraid it's just old age", replied the doctor, "there is nothing we can do about it."
"That can't be," fumed the old man, "you don't know what you are doing."
"How can you possibly know I am wrong?" countered the doctor.
"Well it's quite obvious," the old man replied, "my other leg is fine, and it's the exact same age!"
Sunday, June 02, 2013
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road? But is rather, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
The Road: Why Did the Chicken Cross it?
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Heisenberg: Because the chicken is moving very fast, you can either observe the chicken or you can measure its speed, but you cannot do both.
Jean Foucault: It didn’t. The rotation of the earth made it appear to cross.
Galileo: To get a better look at the stars.
Ohm: There was more resistance on this side of the road.
Pascal: It was pressured to cross the road.
Volta: The other side had more potential.
Chickens, Roads, and The Crossing
Hawking: There exist numerous parallel universes in which the same chicken is in differing stages of crossing the road. Only when one of the chickens has completed crossing the road do their ave functions coallesce.
Buckminister Fuller: Because we have not yet designed and implemented true, constantly forwardly/backwardly evolving, energy-transforming living machines which will enable us to perform all functions from the informedly turbining hub of a single autonomous in-spiralling/out-radiating network of space-connected information vector transforms. Had the chicken been supplied with my Dymaxion Tensegrity Coop, it would have remained at home, un-tempted by such risky spatial-temporal translations.
Grandpa: In our days, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Friday, May 31, 2013
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what you've been doing."
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