Thursday, May 30, 2013
- Don't assume the telephone calls are coming from another house.
- When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
- Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
- Don't go into the basement to check the power when the lights go out! And especially don't wear a diaphanous nightgown down there!
- If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
- When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER split up and go it alone.
- Don't have sex. Especially if you've noticed a few of your friends are missing!
- As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open a portal to Hell.
-Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
- If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, don't stand their sighing with relief, GET THE HECK OUT!
- If appliances start operating by themselves, don't check for short circuits; JUST GET OUT!
- Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
- If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
- Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
- If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely ambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
- If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
- Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Arkham (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
- If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had 3/4 of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and will most likely be eaten.
- Beware of strangers bearing strange tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.
- If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
By Michael Roizen, M.D. and Mehmet Oz, M.D.
A lot of people think, "Well, I am who I am; it's in my DNA." You may be resigned to the fact that Dad was a type A personality and so are you. Or Mom was overweight, and now you're getting heavier every year. But even 150 years ago, Abraham Lincoln figured out that "Every man over 40 is responsible for his own face."
He knew, maybe not scientifically but intuitively, that there are some things about your looks, your health and your inner self that are a result of how you live, that your choices shape your life and your face. A study now confirms that.
Scientists wanted to see what happens to your genetic makeup when you relax deeply, so they tracked the changes it makes in the expression (we don't mean smiley faces) of almost all of your more than 22,000 genes. You see, environmental influences can activate them or turn them off. And the researchers discovered genes linked to the immune system, energy metabolism and the secretion of insulin are immediately affected (they change their expression, from unhappy to happy) when you practice progressive relaxation or mindfulness.
Seems mitochondria (the power-producing energy centers of cells) get a boost, as do their supporting pathways. The result? Cell pathways that are conduits for stress, cancer, trauma and inflammation are suppressed. That's how relaxation therapy defends you from disease and keeps you lookin' good. So, cultivate your relaxation response, and make your RealAge years younger.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
A Canadian female libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her
She received back the following reply:
National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg.,15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa,ON K1A 0K2
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of
treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian
Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan
Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in
Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions
were heard loudly and clearly here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to
learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are
creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense,
to be called ~Libertarians Accept Responsibility for Killers'
program, or L.A.R.K. for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have
decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for
transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be
cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your
letter of complaint!
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant
caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your
standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so
strongly recommended in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath and
extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described
as his ~attitudinal problem will help him overcome these character
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home
schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in
hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple
items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask
him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. Please
advise any Jewish friends, neighbors or relatives about your house
guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you
can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of
explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to
keep those items locked up,unless (in your opinion) this might offend
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except
sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property
thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands.
This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been
known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with
the new dress code that he will "recommend" as more appropriate
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka
over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his
culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.
Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like
you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our
fellow man. You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be
Good luck and God bless you,
Minister of National Defense
Monday, May 27, 2013
"In Pennsylvania, a couple stabbed each other in an argument over who should win 'American Idol.' At last we finally know why 'American Idol' is losing so many viewers. They're killing each other." -Conan O'Brien
"Pope Francis made an extremely controversial statement. He says he believes anyone can go to heaven if you do good deeds, even atheists. It would be fun to let atheists into heaven if for no other reason than to see the look on their faces when they get there." -Jimmy Kimmel
"Amtrak trains may soon have special cars where passengers can sit with their pets. Though it'll be awkward when you try to talk to your cat and he just slips on his headphones." -Jimmy Fallon
If you think Benghazi is worse than slavery, the Trail of Tears, Japanese internment, Tuskegee, purposefully injecting Guatemalan mental patients with syphilis, lying about WMDs, and the fact that banks today are still foreclosing on mortgages they don’t own, then your hard-on for Obama has lasted more than four hours, and you need to call a doctor. -Bill Maher
Top Ten Things I've Learned As A Late Show Intern
10. "Laugh at the jokes whether they're funny or not" (Randi Furman)
9. "Attention to detail is super implortant" (Emily Erotas)
8. "Buying 100% pure grain alcohol is not as easy as it sounds" (Victoria Disque)
7. "There's no better way to work for free and learn nothing about show business" (Sasha Lildharrie)
6. "Weekly transfusions of our youthful blood keep Dave alive" (Paul Napoli)
5. "The camera loves me" (Kevin Noonan)
4. "It's more fun to watch television than to work in television" (Sophie Boudreau)
3. "Snitches get stitches" (Jason Seligson)
2. "After several months, you start to have feelings for the photocopier" (Neal Fessler)
1. "I should've interned for a Jimmy" (Ryan Wilson)
Most of the media resisted picking up the Fox News talking points about Benghazi because they were made up, but now that’s there’s three bull manure scandals that we’re in, we are so there. They are so obsessed with this, Amanda Knox could fall down a well and get eaten by a shark, they wouldn’t report it this week. -Bill Maher
Doesn’t it matter that these are all bull manure? The Benghazi scandal continues to fall apart. We found out today that Republicans who leaked the emails last week changed the wording. No it doesn’t matter because they’re in their bubble. That’s where they live. I thought after the election that the bubble would become more permeable. No, it’s like Chris Christie. Without corrective surgery, it just gets thicker. -Bill Maher
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