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You decide: Cats or Dogs?????

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats

1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.

2. Cats look silly on a leash.

3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.

4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.

6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.

7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all.

8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.

9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.

10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.

Top 10 Reasons Why Cats are Better Pets than Dogs

1: Cats purr when they're hungry or happy. No sound in the world rivals a cat's purr. Its thrumming rhythm alerts helpless kittens, assuring them that mama cat is nearby (along with the milk supply!). That comforting buzz tells humans that their feline friend is oh-so-content with life. Stroke a purring cat's side, caress its chin and feel the gentle rumble for instant stress relief. A hungry dog will plead for food by dancing at your feet or planting a nonstop wet kiss on your face; a cat sits pointedly near its dish, purring confidently because dinner is about to be served. Cats don't mind if you gripe about your day or spend too much time online; they'll sit nearby, with that softly motorized sound subbing for conversation. Who needs words when a purr says it all?

2: Cats and Laser Pointers: Entertainment Tonight (Tomorrow, or Anytime). Before the moving red dot became a cat's most favorite activity, felines had to settle for chasing a flashlight's beam. Boring! Then, the arrival of that dancing pinpoint turned cat play into a fast-forward ballet. Cats never tire of racing after that elusive speck. Slapping hopeful paws over it, they're baffled when it seems to escape. Where does it go? No matter, they're hot on the trail, and getting a cat-cardio workout while they're at it. While a dog will chase a ball, he has no interest in whatever that flashy, red thing is. Why pursue something if he can't fetch it for a reward? But cats know the laser pointer's real reward is the chase itself. And someday they really will nab that little red sucker

3: Cats enjoy bringing gifts to their loved ones. Hunters at heart, cats are miniature versions of their wild forebears, the lions, tigers, cheetahs and jaguars of the world. But cats can't down a wildebeest in your backyard, so they settle for smaller prey -- and share it with you. A gift offered by a cat, whether a mole, bird or unidentified critter part, is the highest tribute it can pay, proof of devotion to you. Yes, you'll be nauseated by this gift. But as with any present, you do the kind thing. Say, "Oh, thank you, kitty, that's so sweet of you." And that makes the cat's day. Sometimes, indoor-only cats offer gifts, too: a small stuffed toy, presented with a loud meow, says, "I've been looking all over for something you'd enjoy."

4: Cats don't need to be walked. A thunderstorm shakes the skies, drenching the dog walker as she waits for her trusty pet to take care of business. It's cold, it's midnight and this is all so inconvenient. In snow, sleet, heat or rain -- the dog needs a walk. Demands a walk. Bring the scooper, the scented disposal bags and patience. Meanwhile, a contented cat sits smugly in the window, unaffected by the downpour outside. A quick trip to the litter box and the cat's set for the night. Even on a sunny day, cats wouldn't dream of asking for a walk. Wear a leash? Yeah, right. Try placing a harness or leash on a cat, and watch how it squats, thinking that colorful ropy thing has somehow tied it down. What, you want the cat to lead the human around while wearing that? Please. Save it for the dog. Who must be walked. Again.

5: Cats take much better care of their toys. Ever see a dog's playthings? Shredded rawhide bones, torn tennis balls. They're in tatters (unless, of course, they've been swallowed). Cat toys tend to be hugged, carried and carefully hidden in beds or baskets. Cats keep their prizes safe from intruders who might steal that square felt thing with the bell in it, or the sparkly ball that squeaks. And cats firmly believe in stockpiling: A calico named Cassie once stashed 27 ping pong balls under a skirted rocking chair, apparently sensing a global shortage. Her owners thought the balls were lost. Instead they had become "cat collectibles." Cats also make better fashion choices than dogs -- have you seen some of the outfits dogs allow themselves to be seen in? But no self-respecting feline would don a hot pink hoodie without clawing it to ribbons first

6: Cats are a natural insect repellent. A cat's message to all bees, moths, ladybugs and the rest of the insect kingdom: Don't bug me. He means it. Cats, fascinated by winged things and crawly critters, are masters of extermination. They'll climb walls to dislodge a spider and its web -- even in the middle of the night. A lazy fly sneaking in through a screen door has no chance of survival. And a poor, defenseless cricket, cluelessly broadcasting its location, offers hours of entertainment before the cat ends the torture. The cat who's made his home insect-free still hopes for a visiting bug -- its got to keep those de-bugging skills sharp.

7: Even the loudest cat is quieter than any dog. Most dogs will always vocalize their moods. A cat will keep it to itself. Upset, happy, excited or just talkative, dogs bark. Loudly, dogs announce every news event, from a stranger at the door to a new flavor of treat. Cats, even with protesting meows over a flea bath, lack the chops to compete with a dog's decibel level. Feline complaints are mostly mews and occasional hisses, barely audible from another room. Your neighbors will never call to inform you that your cat's hissing is keeping him awake.

8. Cats are funnier than dogs -- even if the cats don't know it. The Internet is littered with comical cat photos and videos -- hundreds more were uploaded just as you read that sentence. Their legendary curiosity lands them in situations that prompt giggles. Ticklish kittens, a tabby entranced with its mirror image, a cat sedately walking across an open file cabinet. It's as if cats have an inherent knack for comic timing, even if they won't snicker at their own antics. And that feline economy of size helps: Most dogs need a bigger stage to clown. (Not to mention the need for constant applause.) But sit a cat in a sink or place a hamburger bun on its head, and you've got instant entertainment. It'll pose for the camera, indulge in some cat-itude, and invent a smooth move all its own.

9: Cats smell better than dogs. Even the most dogged of canine devotees must cop to this one. There's nothing quite like Eau de Fido, that earthy, unmistakable and not very attractive odor. All of the scented shampoos and daily brushing/combing/blow-drying rituals in the world can't fully remove or disguise it. You'll find it in your car and on your clothes. No one needs to ask if you have a dog: Their noses confirm it. Cats, with their constant self-grooming -- performed to regulate body temperature as well as to clean -- emit no such smell. If your cat perches on the new loveseat when you're not home, you'll never know.

10: Cats treat your guests politely. When friends arrive at your home, a dog goes into a frenzy, barking, leaping and pawing at the newcomer. "Pay attention to me!" he begs, as his excited nails rake a guest's linen blazer. While the dog does everything possible for approval, from racing around the room to bouncing like a basketball, the cat is usually nowhere to be seen. Cats prefer to observe new arrivals from afar. For instance, under the bed or atop the refrigerator. Maybe, if the cat is in the mood, she'll come out to acknowledge this New Person with a tail twitch, a cautious once-over. But that's it. No effusive greetings, no jumping on laps or humping of legs. Invite a cat to your dinner party. She'll stay discreetly out of the way, while a dog lusts for -- and sometimes runs away with -- the main course.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AVANDREA_ 5/29/2013 1:55PM

    emoticon Apartments and dogs are not a good match in my mind, so I will stick with my cat, even though I love dogs too.

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MYREALANA 5/28/2013 10:19AM

    You know, I used to be a cat person. I had both growing up, but cats were simply the best.

Now, I've got this 18 month-old German Shepherd that is simply TOO awesome. I'm a dog convert.

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KIRSTENLYNN62 5/26/2013 9:14PM

    I have both, but I am a diehard cat lover first! emoticon

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CARRAND 5/26/2013 8:56PM

    I am definitely a cat person!

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GLC2009 5/26/2013 8:26PM

    gotta have some of each. emoticon the best thing is when the dogs and cats interact.

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    I have 3 little dogs that are about the same size of the 4 cats - the dogs still chase the cats. I tell the cats "use those pointy sharp things you have on your feet - smack the dogs!"

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MJLUVSANIMALS 5/25/2013 9:56PM

    My kittys are indoor cats. I have one Gabrielle (Elle) that brings me her "special" it can be anything from a twisty tie, one of the toys or whatever she thinks is "special" First she will announce from the other room she has something special, and brings it to me, and drops it at my feet. And of course she is very proud of herself.

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WOUBBIE 5/25/2013 9:48PM

    Excellent! I hate the whole cats-vs-dogs arguments people get into. Thank goodness we have both creatures available to enrich our lives!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CJJANISS 5/25/2013 8:50PM


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DALID414 5/25/2013 8:24PM

    I think I'll remain petless emoticon

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Cooking Woes

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.

She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MAW_OH 5/25/2013 8:56PM


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ONUTHIN125 5/25/2013 8:06PM


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KACAR51 5/25/2013 7:04PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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HELEN_BRU 5/25/2013 6:27PM


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DALID414 5/25/2013 6:25PM


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How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces

Friday, May 24, 2013

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Having consensual intercourse.
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How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces pt. 3

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
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How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces pt. 4

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NAYPOOIE 5/25/2013 6:45PM

    Truth is stranger . . .

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MARGARITTM 5/25/2013 6:38PM

    Oh my!!!

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WOUBBIE 5/25/2013 1:08PM

    These are too real to be made up!

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LADYIRISH317 5/25/2013 11:14AM


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BECKYSFRIEND 5/25/2013 7:54AM

    loved it

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GIA_ROSY 5/25/2013 6:53AM

    Can't stop LOLing....I had to read these to my hubby. I don't know how court reporters do it.

Thanks for the laughs! emoticon emoticon

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COLLEENROSTE 5/25/2013 4:33AM

    I needed a good laugh emoticon sad thing is, these are all real statements

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IMAVISION 5/25/2013 3:15AM

    emoticon emoticon

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OAKASHANDTHORN 5/25/2013 12:35AM

    This is the funniest thing I have read in a long, long time!

Thank you so much for the laughs!

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CHRISGORGME 5/25/2013 12:23AM

    A good laugh is what I needed early in the morning! Thank you! emoticon

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DALID414 5/25/2013 12:06AM


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DOVESEYES 5/24/2013 11:43PM


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JANELMARIESTAR 5/24/2013 11:41PM

    Great!! You made me laugh tonight! emoticon emoticon

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Late Fight Nunnies

Friday, May 24, 2013

I love what IRS commissioner Steve Miller said today about this whole targeting conservative groups thing. He said, ‘Mistakes were made, but they were in no way made with a political or partisan motivation.’ Yeah, ‘Mistakes were made’ – try saying THAT during your next IRS audit. -Jay Leno

It was just revealed that the Department of Justice secretly recorded the phone calls of AP journalists for two months. Obama promised reporters that the incident will be immediately investigated – by the Department of Justice. -Jimmy Fallon

President Obama’s right in the middle of three scandals. The IRS ratting out people it doesn’t like. Benghazi, number two. And they say Obama has been phone tapping the AP. So three big scandals. Here’s what I prefer: Weiner and Spitzer. Now those are scandals my writers can really work with. -David Letterman

Some Republicans are saying that due to his current scandals, President Obama should be impeached. In response, Obama laughed and said, ‘Two words fellas: President Biden.’ -Conan O'Brien

A college student in Georgia was worried that his parents would be mad at him for flunking English. So he tried to fake his own kidnapping. The parents figured it out when the ransom note said, 'We has your son.' -Conan O'Brien

Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced he will star in a low-budget horror movie called 'The Toxic Avenger.' He wreaks havoc. He's a monster. I have no idea what he'll do in the movie. -Craig Ferguson

A 19-year-old student in Lawrenceville, Georgia, was failing English and he didn't want to tell his parents about it. So he faked his own kidnapping. He texted his parents and said he's been abducted. It sounds like a terrible Liam Neeson movie. -Jimmy Kimmel

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BARCLE 5/24/2013 10:47PM


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PDSLIM 5/24/2013 3:27PM


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MARGARITTM 5/24/2013 2:55PM

    Thanks - I can't stay up that late!

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HELEN_BRU 5/24/2013 8:04AM


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TWEETYKC00 5/24/2013 5:38AM

    too good!

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ALYSSAR2012 5/24/2013 2:48AM

    Thanks for sharing! emoticon

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ANDYLIN90 5/24/2013 1:48AM


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DALID414 5/24/2013 1:25AM


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Nate Fight Lunnies

Thursday, May 23, 2013

The IRS has now admitted that they targeted conservative groups for extra scrutiny. That’s why Mitt Romney wanted to be president so bad — to keep the IRS off his back. -Jay Leno

Well, congratulations, President Barack Obama, Conspiracy theorists who generally can survive in anaerobic environments have just had an algae bloom dropped on their freaking heads, thus removing the last arrow in your pro-governance quiver: skepticism about your opponents. -Jon Stewart

Folks this proves that everything I’ve ever said about Obama is true. It’s official. He’s a secret Muslim, shape-shifting alien from Kenya who is coming for our guns. And Bo is a member of the Illuminati. -Stephen Colbert

On Saturday, the West Wing of the White House was evacuated when an overheated transformer set off a smoke alarm. Or as Obama put it, ‘Yeah, definitely check out that crazy transformer. Kind of smells like Marlboro Lights.’ -Jimmy Fallon

This is crazy. The justice department is saying that President Obama can order drone strikes on American citizens, that he can do that. In a related story, this is the last Obama joke I'm ever doing on this show. -Conan O'Brien

The Republican Party has its own line of clothing. The problem is it keeps coming apart at the seams. -David Letterman

Monopoly is getting a big makeover. They want to make the Monopoly game more modern and bring it up to date to reflect our current culture. Like, in the new version of Monopoly, the banker never goes to jail. -Jay Leno

President Obama hosted Republican senators for dinner at the White House. The president said he had to do without salt, pepper, and butter – because as you know, the Republicans refuse to pass anything. -Jay Leno

On Tuesday at the White House, President Obama sang with Justin Timberlake. It’s being called the blackest thing President Obama has ever done. -Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump is going to be a grandfather. It’s true. That thing on his head is pregnant. -Craig Ferguson

New Rule: Republicans trying to turn the Benghazi attacks into a scandal that taints Hillary Clinton’s chances at a 2016 presidential run must realize that scandals don’t weaken Hillary Clinton, they only make her stronger. Travelgate, the Rose Law Firm, Whitewater, Vince Foster, Monica Lewinsky… Hillary Clinton eats scandals for breakfast. If the Republicans keep this up she’ll not only be President, she’ll appoint Bill to the Supreme Court. --Bill Maher

President Obama has been going around the country to rally support for his economic plan, and yesterday he said that a lot of sectors of our economy are doing better. When pressed for examples, Obama said, ‘Uh — the Iron Man sequel sector?’ -Jimmy Fallon

The Statue of Liberty is reopening on July 4. It has been closed since last year. What happened was she went in for lap band surgery. -David Letterman

Chris Christie revealed a couple months ago that he had lap band surgery. They’re speculating that he did this because they’re thinking he’s going to run for president in 2016, and he couldn’t unless he lost a lot of weight, and this procedure accomplishes that because it surgically pinches off your stomach so you just can’t eat. Because that’s what you want in a president, someone with absolutely no will power, someone who says ‘I can literally not contain myself’ -Bill Maher

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WOUBBIE 5/23/2013 12:27PM

    Maher wins again!

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NAYPOOIE 5/23/2013 12:13PM

    Really love the last one.

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DALID414 5/23/2013 8:46AM


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