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How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces

Friday, May 24, 2013

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Having consensual intercourse.
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How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces pt. 3

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
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How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces pt. 4

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NAYPOOIE 5/25/2013 6:45PM

    Truth is stranger . . .

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MARGARITTM 5/25/2013 6:38PM

    Oh my!!!

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WOUBBIE 5/25/2013 1:08PM

    These are too real to be made up!

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LADYIRISH317 5/25/2013 11:14AM


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BECKYSFRIEND 5/25/2013 7:54AM

    loved it

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GIA_ROSY 5/25/2013 6:53AM

    Can't stop LOLing....I had to read these to my hubby. I don't know how court reporters do it.

Thanks for the laughs! emoticon emoticon

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COLLEENROSTE 5/25/2013 4:33AM

    I needed a good laugh emoticon sad thing is, these are all real statements

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IMAVISION 5/25/2013 3:15AM

    emoticon emoticon

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OAKASHANDTHORN 5/25/2013 12:35AM

    This is the funniest thing I have read in a long, long time!

Thank you so much for the laughs!

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CHRISGORGME 5/25/2013 12:23AM

    A good laugh is what I needed early in the morning! Thank you! emoticon

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DALID414 5/25/2013 12:06AM


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DOVESEYES 5/24/2013 11:43PM


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JANELMARIESTAR 5/24/2013 11:41PM

    Great!! You made me laugh tonight! emoticon emoticon

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Late Fight Nunnies

Friday, May 24, 2013

I love what IRS commissioner Steve Miller said today about this whole targeting conservative groups thing. He said, ‘Mistakes were made, but they were in no way made with a political or partisan motivation.’ Yeah, ‘Mistakes were made’ – try saying THAT during your next IRS audit. -Jay Leno

It was just revealed that the Department of Justice secretly recorded the phone calls of AP journalists for two months. Obama promised reporters that the incident will be immediately investigated – by the Department of Justice. -Jimmy Fallon

President Obama’s right in the middle of three scandals. The IRS ratting out people it doesn’t like. Benghazi, number two. And they say Obama has been phone tapping the AP. So three big scandals. Here’s what I prefer: Weiner and Spitzer. Now those are scandals my writers can really work with. -David Letterman

Some Republicans are saying that due to his current scandals, President Obama should be impeached. In response, Obama laughed and said, ‘Two words fellas: President Biden.’ -Conan O'Brien

A college student in Georgia was worried that his parents would be mad at him for flunking English. So he tried to fake his own kidnapping. The parents figured it out when the ransom note said, 'We has your son.' -Conan O'Brien

Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced he will star in a low-budget horror movie called 'The Toxic Avenger.' He wreaks havoc. He's a monster. I have no idea what he'll do in the movie. -Craig Ferguson

A 19-year-old student in Lawrenceville, Georgia, was failing English and he didn't want to tell his parents about it. So he faked his own kidnapping. He texted his parents and said he's been abducted. It sounds like a terrible Liam Neeson movie. -Jimmy Kimmel

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BARCLE 5/24/2013 10:47PM


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PDSLIM 5/24/2013 3:27PM


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MARGARITTM 5/24/2013 2:55PM

    Thanks - I can't stay up that late!

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HELEN_BRU 5/24/2013 8:04AM


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TWEETYKC00 5/24/2013 5:38AM

    too good!

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ALYSSAR2012 5/24/2013 2:48AM

    Thanks for sharing! emoticon

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ANDYLIN90 5/24/2013 1:48AM


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DALID414 5/24/2013 1:25AM


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Nate Fight Lunnies

Thursday, May 23, 2013

The IRS has now admitted that they targeted conservative groups for extra scrutiny. That’s why Mitt Romney wanted to be president so bad — to keep the IRS off his back. -Jay Leno

Well, congratulations, President Barack Obama, Conspiracy theorists who generally can survive in anaerobic environments have just had an algae bloom dropped on their freaking heads, thus removing the last arrow in your pro-governance quiver: skepticism about your opponents. -Jon Stewart

Folks this proves that everything I’ve ever said about Obama is true. It’s official. He’s a secret Muslim, shape-shifting alien from Kenya who is coming for our guns. And Bo is a member of the Illuminati. -Stephen Colbert

On Saturday, the West Wing of the White House was evacuated when an overheated transformer set off a smoke alarm. Or as Obama put it, ‘Yeah, definitely check out that crazy transformer. Kind of smells like Marlboro Lights.’ -Jimmy Fallon

This is crazy. The justice department is saying that President Obama can order drone strikes on American citizens, that he can do that. In a related story, this is the last Obama joke I'm ever doing on this show. -Conan O'Brien

The Republican Party has its own line of clothing. The problem is it keeps coming apart at the seams. -David Letterman

Monopoly is getting a big makeover. They want to make the Monopoly game more modern and bring it up to date to reflect our current culture. Like, in the new version of Monopoly, the banker never goes to jail. -Jay Leno

President Obama hosted Republican senators for dinner at the White House. The president said he had to do without salt, pepper, and butter – because as you know, the Republicans refuse to pass anything. -Jay Leno

On Tuesday at the White House, President Obama sang with Justin Timberlake. It’s being called the blackest thing President Obama has ever done. -Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump is going to be a grandfather. It’s true. That thing on his head is pregnant. -Craig Ferguson

New Rule: Republicans trying to turn the Benghazi attacks into a scandal that taints Hillary Clinton’s chances at a 2016 presidential run must realize that scandals don’t weaken Hillary Clinton, they only make her stronger. Travelgate, the Rose Law Firm, Whitewater, Vince Foster, Monica Lewinsky… Hillary Clinton eats scandals for breakfast. If the Republicans keep this up she’ll not only be President, she’ll appoint Bill to the Supreme Court. --Bill Maher

President Obama has been going around the country to rally support for his economic plan, and yesterday he said that a lot of sectors of our economy are doing better. When pressed for examples, Obama said, ‘Uh — the Iron Man sequel sector?’ -Jimmy Fallon

The Statue of Liberty is reopening on July 4. It has been closed since last year. What happened was she went in for lap band surgery. -David Letterman

Chris Christie revealed a couple months ago that he had lap band surgery. They’re speculating that he did this because they’re thinking he’s going to run for president in 2016, and he couldn’t unless he lost a lot of weight, and this procedure accomplishes that because it surgically pinches off your stomach so you just can’t eat. Because that’s what you want in a president, someone with absolutely no will power, someone who says ‘I can literally not contain myself’ -Bill Maher

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WOUBBIE 5/23/2013 12:27PM

    Maher wins again!

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NAYPOOIE 5/23/2013 12:13PM

    Really love the last one.

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DALID414 5/23/2013 8:46AM


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Conflicting Proverbs

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Actions speak louder than words.
The pen is mightier than the sword.

Look before you leap.
He who hesitates is lost.

Many hands make light work.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.

A silent man is a wise one.
A man without words is a man without thoughts.

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

Clothes make the man.
Don't judge a book by its cover.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Better safe than sorry.

The bigger, the better.
The best things come in small packages.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Out of sight, out of mind.

What will be, will be.
Life is what you make it.

Cross your bridges when you come to them.
Forewarned is forearmed.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
One man's meat is another man's poison.

With age comes wisdom.
Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings come all wise sayings.

The more, the merrier.
Two's company; three's a crowd

It's no wonder we're all confused.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PAMNANGEL 5/24/2013 2:22AM


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CHRISGORGME 5/23/2013 5:00AM

    GREAT emoticon

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DALID414 5/22/2013 9:28PM


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CARRAND 5/22/2013 6:39PM


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NAYPOOIE 5/22/2013 2:09PM

    And yet they're all true at some point.

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MISSDAISY23 5/22/2013 11:17AM

    Yup! emoticon

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PDSLIM 5/22/2013 9:46AM


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HELEN_BRU 5/22/2013 9:18AM

    I agree emoticon

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NANA2PRINCESSES 5/22/2013 6:35AM

    Love this. Thanks for posting.

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EVER-HOPEFUL 5/22/2013 5:20AM

    you forgot the
an eye for an eye
turn the other cheeks.
both from the bible.

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AMYB1985 5/22/2013 4:52AM

    That's great. emoticon I love it.

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COLLEENROSTE 5/22/2013 2:05AM


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Fate Light Nunnies

Monday, May 20, 2013

Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his girlfriend. He was then exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel. In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where he’ll fit right in. -Jay Leno

What can I say? The voters of South Carolina have spoken. Mark Sanford beat my sister, and I believe that means Mark Sanford is now my sister. And on behalf of my entire family, I want to say we’re deeply sorry about him. My sister lost. How could this happen? I was so sure Lulu had won because CNN called it for Sanford. -Stephen Colbert

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he’s still adjusting after his surgery to reduce how much he can eat. He said, ‘I now have six free hours a day I don’t know what to do with.’ -Conan O'Brien

Yesterday, Delaware became the most recent state to legalize same-sex marriage. That marks the 11th state to make same-sex marriage legal and the first thing I know about Delaware. -Jimmy Fallon

President Obama said in his last press conference that he wants to close Gitmo. Gitmo? How about closing Dodger Stadium? How many people are being tortured there night after night? -Jay Leno

NASA is taking applications for people who want to live on Mars. Now here are the requirements: You have to be between the ages of 18 and 40 and insane. I know it sounds like a lot of fun. But the flight alone is six months to Mars. It's eight months if you leave from Newark. -David Letterman

Senator John McCain will introduce a bill that lets cable customers pick which channels they want to pay for. For instance, HBO would cost you $10, AMC would cost you $5, and NBC would pay you $200. -Jimmy Fallon

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Doctor After Gastric Band Surgery

10. "All done, Fatso!"
9. "You're alive?!
8. "Open your mouth and say 'Moooo!'"
7. "We didn't have to, but I shaved you"
6. "When we opened you up, it was like a Golden Corral"
5. "If you experience any discomfort keep it to yourself"
4. "I went ahead and added the gastric suspenders"
3. "You're beautiful when you're unconscious"
2. "And now the easy part: diet and exercise"
1. "Your gender reassignment was a success"

-David Letterman

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery that restricts the amount of food he can consume. As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list. -Conan O'Brien

Today President Obama and Joe Biden met with South Korean President Park Geun-hye, who is known as South Korea’s ‘Iron Lady.’ Or as Biden put it, ‘Can you introduce me to Iron Man?’ -Jimmy Fallon

Over the weekend, Arnold’s son Patrick Schwarzenegger was kicked out of a nightclub in Hollywood. Apparently, Patrick threatened the DJ. It was a chaotic scene. Security rushed in and said, ‘Which one of you is Schwarzenegger’s kid?’ And 50 people raised their hands. -Craig Ferguson

CNN anchor Carol Costello was robbed of her iPhone in broad daylight while walking down the street in Atlanta. Unfortunately it was on CNN, so there weren’t any witnesses. -Jay Leno

Yesterday President Obama spoke at Ohio State's graduation, and told students that it's their responsibility to make the world a better place. It got awkward when students were like, 'Wait, isn't that literally your responsibility? -Jimmy Fallon

PETA is really upset at Chris Christie for killing a spider in front of a group of school children. Governor Christie said, 'If PETA is upset by that, they do not want to know what I had for lunch today.' -Conan O'Brien

Top Ten Thoughts People Have About Sandwiches

10. "Sure, I'll have a sandwich"
9. "Is the second date too early for a French dip?"
8. "Honestly, screw wraps"
7. "Is America ready for its first gay sandwich?"
6. "Do I want a 12-inch or a foot-long?"
5. "Has the United States Treasury considered a sandwich-backed currency?"
4. "What does BLT stand for?"
3. "When will this country lift the ban on Cuban sandwiches?"
2. "When I say 'hold the pickles' I'd actually like to hold the pickles"
1. "Grinder? I just met her!"

David Letterman

If Obama can't take our guns, he'll make sure you can't put anything in them. After that, he's going to come after Rush by buying up all the hookers and canned frosting. -Jay Leno

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PDSLIM 5/21/2013 11:14AM


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GIA_ROSY 5/21/2013 3:30AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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HELEN_BRU 5/20/2013 10:39PM

    Good as usual! emoticon

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BECKYSFRIEND 5/20/2013 9:35PM


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DALID414 5/20/2013 8:29PM


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DOVESEYES 5/20/2013 7:59PM

    emoticon emoticon

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