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Fate Light Nunnies

Monday, May 20, 2013

Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his girlfriend. He was then exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel. In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where he’ll fit right in. -Jay Leno


What can I say? The voters of South Carolina have spoken. Mark Sanford beat my sister, and I believe that means Mark Sanford is now my sister. And on behalf of my entire family, I want to say we’re deeply sorry about him. My sister lost. How could this happen? I was so sure Lulu had won because CNN called it for Sanford. -Stephen Colbert


New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he’s still adjusting after his surgery to reduce how much he can eat. He said, ‘I now have six free hours a day I don’t know what to do with.’ -Conan O'Brien



Yesterday, Delaware became the most recent state to legalize same-sex marriage. That marks the 11th state to make same-sex marriage legal and the first thing I know about Delaware. -Jimmy Fallon


President Obama said in his last press conference that he wants to close Gitmo. Gitmo? How about closing Dodger Stadium? How many people are being tortured there night after night? -Jay Leno



NASA is taking applications for people who want to live on Mars. Now here are the requirements: You have to be between the ages of 18 and 40 and insane. I know it sounds like a lot of fun. But the flight alone is six months to Mars. It's eight months if you leave from Newark. -David Letterman



Senator John McCain will introduce a bill that lets cable customers pick which channels they want to pay for. For instance, HBO would cost you $10, AMC would cost you $5, and NBC would pay you $200. -Jimmy Fallon


Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Doctor After Gastric Band Surgery

10. "All done, Fatso!"
9. "You're alive?!
8. "Open your mouth and say 'Moooo!'"
7. "We didn't have to, but I shaved you"
6. "When we opened you up, it was like a Golden Corral"
5. "If you experience any discomfort keep it to yourself"
4. "I went ahead and added the gastric suspenders"
3. "You're beautiful when you're unconscious"
2. "And now the easy part: diet and exercise"
1. "Your gender reassignment was a success"

-David Letterman


New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery that restricts the amount of food he can consume. As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list. -Conan O'Brien


Today President Obama and Joe Biden met with South Korean President Park Geun-hye, who is known as South Korea’s ‘Iron Lady.’ Or as Biden put it, ‘Can you introduce me to Iron Man?’ -Jimmy Fallon



Over the weekend, Arnold’s son Patrick Schwarzenegger was kicked out of a nightclub in Hollywood. Apparently, Patrick threatened the DJ. It was a chaotic scene. Security rushed in and said, ‘Which one of you is Schwarzenegger’s kid?’ And 50 people raised their hands. -Craig Ferguson



CNN anchor Carol Costello was robbed of her iPhone in broad daylight while walking down the street in Atlanta. Unfortunately it was on CNN, so there weren’t any witnesses. -Jay Leno



Yesterday President Obama spoke at Ohio State's graduation, and told students that it's their responsibility to make the world a better place. It got awkward when students were like, 'Wait, isn't that literally your responsibility? -Jimmy Fallon


PETA is really upset at Chris Christie for killing a spider in front of a group of school children. Governor Christie said, 'If PETA is upset by that, they do not want to know what I had for lunch today.' -Conan O'Brien


Top Ten Thoughts People Have About Sandwiches

10. "Sure, I'll have a sandwich"
9. "Is the second date too early for a French dip?"
8. "Honestly, screw wraps"
7. "Is America ready for its first gay sandwich?"
6. "Do I want a 12-inch or a foot-long?"
5. "Has the United States Treasury considered a sandwich-backed currency?"
4. "What does BLT stand for?"
3. "When will this country lift the ban on Cuban sandwiches?"
2. "When I say 'hold the pickles' I'd actually like to hold the pickles"
1. "Grinder? I just met her!"

David Letterman


If Obama can't take our guns, he'll make sure you can't put anything in them. After that, he's going to come after Rush by buying up all the hookers and canned frosting. -Jay Leno

  
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PDSLIM 5/21/2013 11:14AM

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HELEN_BRU 5/20/2013 10:39PM

    Good as usual! emoticon

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It's Time to Turn Your Computer Off and Read a Book When...

Monday, May 20, 2013

- You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your E-mail on the way back to bed.

- You name your children Eudora, AOL and dotcom.

- You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

- You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment.

- You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.

- You laugh at people with 14.4 baud modems.

- You start using smileys in your snail mail.

- You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

- You can't call your mother because she doesn't have a modem.

- You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

- You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screennames and you never bothered to ask.

- You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you Landscape

- You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.garden/house/brick.html

- You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

- After reading this, you immediately e-mail it to your friends.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ARTANTICA 5/24/2013 4:14PM

    funny!

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PAMNANGEL 5/24/2013 2:20AM

    Hahahahaha! Actually I can pull the plug on a loved one much easier than on my computer.

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AZURELITE 5/22/2013 7:53PM

    emoticon hahaha!


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JOYFULGRATITUDE 5/21/2013 11:38PM

    emoticon emoticon

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MISSDAISY23 5/21/2013 11:16AM

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PDSLIM 5/20/2013 11:13PM

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BECKYSFRIEND 5/20/2013 9:36PM

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DALID414 5/20/2013 8:26PM

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RASPBERRY56 5/20/2013 6:44PM

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THOMS1 5/20/2013 4:58PM

    Cute!

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THINAGIN2 5/20/2013 4:11PM

    emoticon
Thanks for sharing!

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Only a Southerner

Monday, May 20, 2013

- Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

- Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."

- Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

- Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, . as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

- Only Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

- Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large peach cobbler!

- Only a Southerner grows up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

- Only a Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart" and go your own way.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MSKRIS7 5/20/2013 9:56AM

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HELEN_BRU 5/20/2013 8:23AM

    Cute emoticon

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DOVESEYES 5/20/2013 5:20AM

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UPBEAT551 5/20/2013 2:39AM

  very interesting! From a Wisconsinite!

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JOYFULGRATITUDE 5/20/2013 1:16AM

    Too funny, but very true! emoticon emoticon

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DALID414 5/20/2013 12:55AM

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LATE NIGHT FUNNIES

Friday, May 17, 2013

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery that restricts the amount of food he can consume. As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list. -Conan O'Brien


Today President Obama and Joe Biden met with South Korean President Park Geun-hye, who is known as South Korea’s ‘Iron Lady.’ Or as Biden put it, ‘Can you introduce me to Iron Man?’ -Jimmy Fallon



Over the weekend, Arnold’s son Patrick Schwarzenegger was kicked out of a nightclub in Hollywood. Apparently, Patrick threatened the DJ. It was a chaotic scene. Security rushed in and said, ‘Which one of you is Schwarzenegger’s kid?’ And 50 people raised their hands. -Craig Ferguson



CNN anchor Carol Costello was robbed of her iPhone in broad daylight while walking down the street in Atlanta. Unfortunately it was on CNN, so there weren’t any witnesses. -Jay Leno



Yesterday President Obama spoke at Ohio State's graduation, and told students that it's their responsibility to make the world a better place. It got awkward when students were like, 'Wait, isn't that literally your responsibility? -Jimmy Fallon


PETA is really upset at Chris Christie for killing a spider in front of a group of school children. Governor Christie said, 'If PETA is upset by that, they do not want to know what I had for lunch today.' -Conan O'Brien


Top Ten Thoughts People Have About Sandwiches

10. "Sure, I'll have a sandwich"
9. "Is the second date too early for a French dip?"
8. "Honestly, screw wraps"
7. "Is America ready for its first gay sandwich?"
6. "Do I want a 12-inch or a foot-long?"
5. "Has the United States Treasury considered a sandwich-backed currency?"
4. "What does BLT stand for?"
3. "When will this country lift the ban on Cuban sandwiches?"
2. "When I say 'hold the pickles' I'd actually like to hold the pickles"
1. "Grinder? I just met her!"

David Letterman


If Obama can't take our guns, he'll make sure you can't put anything in them. After that, he's going to come after Rush by buying up all the hookers and canned frosting. -Jay Leno


"A new study found out that having money and good looks does not make you happy. On the other hand, being broke and ugly is no day at the beach either." -Jay Leno



"The miniseries 'The Bible' was a big hit. Now it's being cut down to three hours so that it can be released in theaters. And apparently theaters will be able to feed an entire audience with just one bucket of popcorn." -Jimmy Fallon



"They say that when you have a baby, you lose 700 hours of sleep in the first year, but it's worth it when they're old enough to do the yard work." -Craig Ferguson


There’s a new iPhone app that tells women where they can buy Michelle Obama’s clothes. Not only that — there’s another app that tells men where they can buy Hillary Clinton’s clothes. -Jimmy Fallon
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New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was in Texas today for the dedication of George W. Bush’s presidential library. The library is already done, but they brought in Christie for a second ground breaking. -Jimmy Fallon


Top Ten Phrases You Don't Want To See In An Online Dating Profile

10. "Never convicted"
9. "Probably a tapeworm"
8. "Rest in peace, Qaddafi"
7. "Mommy says I'm handsome"
6. "95% bedbug-free"
5. "Casino restroom attendant"
4. "Face tattoo"
3. "Limbaugh-esque"
2. "Per hour"
1. "Twice, with Andy Dick"

David Letterman


I guess that’s better than its original title, Disasterpiece Theater. (on the “Decision Points Theater” exhibit at the Bush Presidential Library) -Jon Stewart

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TWEETYKC00 5/18/2013 1:14PM

    lol

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MAW_OH 5/18/2013 12:48PM

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DOVESEYES 5/17/2013 8:40PM

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UWPALUM 5/17/2013 12:46PM

    Just the chuckle I needed this morning! :)

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Camping Tips

Thursday, May 16, 2013

- Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

- A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

- The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.

- When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.

- Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

- A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

- A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

- In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BARCLE 5/16/2013 4:16PM

    These were hilarious - love 'em emoticon

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NAYPOOIE 5/16/2013 11:09AM

    Don't knock underwear elastic. Mythbusters built a crossbow with it.

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WOUBBIE 5/16/2013 10:20AM

    XD

Posting this on our Troop website right now!

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DALID414 5/16/2013 9:22AM

    emoticon

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HELEN_BRU 5/16/2013 9:12AM

    funny!

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LOSIN_IT4GOOD 5/16/2013 2:58AM

    Ha Ha! Fun stuff! emoticon

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COLLEENROSTE 5/16/2013 2:40AM

    good to know-- never been much of a camper haha

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