Thursday, May 23, 2013
The IRS has now admitted that they targeted conservative groups for extra scrutiny. That’s why Mitt Romney wanted to be president so bad — to keep the IRS off his back. -Jay Leno
Well, congratulations, President Barack Obama, Conspiracy theorists who generally can survive in anaerobic environments have just had an algae bloom dropped on their freaking heads, thus removing the last arrow in your pro-governance quiver: skepticism about your opponents. -Jon Stewart
Folks this proves that everything I’ve ever said about Obama is true. It’s official. He’s a secret Muslim, shape-shifting alien from Kenya who is coming for our guns. And Bo is a member of the Illuminati. -Stephen Colbert
On Saturday, the West Wing of the White House was evacuated when an overheated transformer set off a smoke alarm. Or as Obama put it, ‘Yeah, definitely check out that crazy transformer. Kind of smells like Marlboro Lights.’ -Jimmy Fallon
This is crazy. The justice department is saying that President Obama can order drone strikes on American citizens, that he can do that. In a related story, this is the last Obama joke I'm ever doing on this show. -Conan O'Brien
The Republican Party has its own line of clothing. The problem is it keeps coming apart at the seams. -David Letterman
Monopoly is getting a big makeover. They want to make the Monopoly game more modern and bring it up to date to reflect our current culture. Like, in the new version of Monopoly, the banker never goes to jail. -Jay Leno
President Obama hosted Republican senators for dinner at the White House. The president said he had to do without salt, pepper, and butter – because as you know, the Republicans refuse to pass anything. -Jay Leno
On Tuesday at the White House, President Obama sang with Justin Timberlake. It’s being called the blackest thing President Obama has ever done. -Conan O'Brien
Donald Trump is going to be a grandfather. It’s true. That thing on his head is pregnant. -Craig Ferguson
New Rule: Republicans trying to turn the Benghazi attacks into a scandal that taints Hillary Clinton’s chances at a 2016 presidential run must realize that scandals don’t weaken Hillary Clinton, they only make her stronger. Travelgate, the Rose Law Firm, Whitewater, Vince Foster, Monica Lewinsky… Hillary Clinton eats scandals for breakfast. If the Republicans keep this up she’ll not only be President, she’ll appoint Bill to the Supreme Court. --Bill Maher
President Obama has been going around the country to rally support for his economic plan, and yesterday he said that a lot of sectors of our economy are doing better. When pressed for examples, Obama said, ‘Uh — the Iron Man sequel sector?’ -Jimmy Fallon
The Statue of Liberty is reopening on July 4. It has been closed since last year. What happened was she went in for lap band surgery. -David Letterman
Chris Christie revealed a couple months ago that he had lap band surgery. They’re speculating that he did this because they’re thinking he’s going to run for president in 2016, and he couldn’t unless he lost a lot of weight, and this procedure accomplishes that because it surgically pinches off your stomach so you just can’t eat. Because that’s what you want in a president, someone with absolutely no will power, someone who says ‘I can literally not contain myself’ -Bill Maher
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Actions speak louder than words.
The pen is mightier than the sword.
Look before you leap.
He who hesitates is lost.
Many hands make light work.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.
A silent man is a wise one.
A man without words is a man without thoughts.
Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
Clothes make the man.
Don't judge a book by its cover.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Better safe than sorry.
The bigger, the better.
The best things come in small packages.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Out of sight, out of mind.
What will be, will be.
Life is what you make it.
Cross your bridges when you come to them.
Forewarned is forearmed.
What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
One man's meat is another man's poison.
With age comes wisdom.
Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings come all wise sayings.
The more, the merrier.
Two's company; three's a crowd
It's no wonder we're all confused.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his girlfriend. He was then exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel. In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where he’ll fit right in. -Jay Leno
What can I say? The voters of South Carolina have spoken. Mark Sanford beat my sister, and I believe that means Mark Sanford is now my sister. And on behalf of my entire family, I want to say we’re deeply sorry about him. My sister lost. How could this happen? I was so sure Lulu had won because CNN called it for Sanford. -Stephen Colbert
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he’s still adjusting after his surgery to reduce how much he can eat. He said, ‘I now have six free hours a day I don’t know what to do with.’ -Conan O'Brien
Yesterday, Delaware became the most recent state to legalize same-sex marriage. That marks the 11th state to make same-sex marriage legal and the first thing I know about Delaware. -Jimmy Fallon
President Obama said in his last press conference that he wants to close Gitmo. Gitmo? How about closing Dodger Stadium? How many people are being tortured there night after night? -Jay Leno
NASA is taking applications for people who want to live on Mars. Now here are the requirements: You have to be between the ages of 18 and 40 and insane. I know it sounds like a lot of fun. But the flight alone is six months to Mars. It's eight months if you leave from Newark. -David Letterman
Senator John McCain will introduce a bill that lets cable customers pick which channels they want to pay for. For instance, HBO would cost you $10, AMC would cost you $5, and NBC would pay you $200. -Jimmy Fallon
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Doctor After Gastric Band Surgery
10. "All done, Fatso!"
9. "You're alive?!
8. "Open your mouth and say 'Moooo!'"
7. "We didn't have to, but I shaved you"
6. "When we opened you up, it was like a Golden Corral"
5. "If you experience any discomfort keep it to yourself"
4. "I went ahead and added the gastric suspenders"
3. "You're beautiful when you're unconscious"
2. "And now the easy part: diet and exercise"
1. "Your gender reassignment was a success"
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery that restricts the amount of food he can consume. As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list. -Conan O'Brien
Today President Obama and Joe Biden met with South Korean President Park Geun-hye, who is known as South Korea’s ‘Iron Lady.’ Or as Biden put it, ‘Can you introduce me to Iron Man?’ -Jimmy Fallon
Over the weekend, Arnold’s son Patrick Schwarzenegger was kicked out of a nightclub in Hollywood. Apparently, Patrick threatened the DJ. It was a chaotic scene. Security rushed in and said, ‘Which one of you is Schwarzenegger’s kid?’ And 50 people raised their hands. -Craig Ferguson
CNN anchor Carol Costello was robbed of her iPhone in broad daylight while walking down the street in Atlanta. Unfortunately it was on CNN, so there weren’t any witnesses. -Jay Leno
Yesterday President Obama spoke at Ohio State's graduation, and told students that it's their responsibility to make the world a better place. It got awkward when students were like, 'Wait, isn't that literally your responsibility? -Jimmy Fallon
PETA is really upset at Chris Christie for killing a spider in front of a group of school children. Governor Christie said, 'If PETA is upset by that, they do not want to know what I had for lunch today.' -Conan O'Brien
Top Ten Thoughts People Have About Sandwiches
10. "Sure, I'll have a sandwich"
9. "Is the second date too early for a French dip?"
8. "Honestly, screw wraps"
7. "Is America ready for its first gay sandwich?"
6. "Do I want a 12-inch or a foot-long?"
5. "Has the United States Treasury considered a sandwich-backed currency?"
4. "What does BLT stand for?"
3. "When will this country lift the ban on Cuban sandwiches?"
2. "When I say 'hold the pickles' I'd actually like to hold the pickles"
1. "Grinder? I just met her!"
If Obama can't take our guns, he'll make sure you can't put anything in them. After that, he's going to come after Rush by buying up all the hookers and canned frosting. -Jay Leno
Monday, May 20, 2013
- Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
- Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
- Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
- Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, . as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
- Only Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
- Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large peach cobbler!
- Only a Southerner grows up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
- Only a Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart" and go your own way.
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