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No More Meat!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

The teacher in our Bible class asked a woman to read from the Book of Numbers about the Israelites wandering in the desert. "The Lord heard you when you wailed, 'If only we had meat to eat!' " she began. "Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month -- until you loathe it." When the woman finished, she paused, looked up and said, "Hey, isn't that the Atkins diet?"
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CAROLYNVIL 1/28/2011 5:43PM

    emoticon

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YIGOBUTTERFLY 1/25/2011 7:26AM

    Funny!

Jane on Guam

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ELLFIN3 1/24/2011 4:56PM

    emoticon Thanks!!! emoticon emoticon

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LLGALLAGHER 1/24/2011 12:25PM

    LOL funny!

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NOTSPEEDY 1/24/2011 10:54AM

   
LOL.

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ELINTY 1/23/2011 11:49PM

  that's funny i like that one

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BEST APRIL FOOLS JOKE EVER!

Saturday, January 22, 2011

www.wimp.com/mirrorprank

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BOOKWERME 1/25/2011 3:43PM

    I followed your link...and ended up spending I don't know how long looking at the assorted videos that followed...and had a wonderful laugh at some of them! THANKS for the fun! emoticon

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GRANDMA624 1/23/2011 10:51AM

  That is great. emoticon emoticon

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YIGOBUTTERFLY 1/23/2011 5:10AM

    Someone sent this to me. It is really funny!

Jane

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IMEMINE1 1/22/2011 4:44PM

    Thats mfunny.

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Actual excerpts from classified sections:

Friday, January 21, 2011

Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Dog for sale: It eats anything and is fond of children.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUGARPUNK52 1/22/2011 3:34AM

  Thanks for the laughs and smiles!

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2BEATIT1 1/22/2011 1:01AM

    Great and funny blog.
Thanks for sharing
Jean

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BOOKWERME 1/21/2011 6:43PM

    Enjoyed the chuckles. THANKS. Laughter is good exercise if you really get going! emoticon

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ELLFIN3 1/21/2011 11:30AM

    Thanks for the morning lauch!!! I especially like the Dog eats anything and fond of children!!! Thanks!!!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TEACHLDY4 1/21/2011 9:35AM

  Lol..THANKS FOR THE SMILE!

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How to find time for exercising

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Skip house cleaning altogether...

-- Windows: Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.

-- Cobwebs: Artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb,thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If someone points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?" (Or just throw glitter on them and call them holiday decorations.)

-- Pet Hair: Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter.)

-- Guests: If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

-- Dusting: If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."

-- General Cleaning: Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh, I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere." As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean... Works every time.

-- Another favorite, I think from Erma Bombeck: Always keep several get-well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUGARPUNK52 1/22/2011 3:46AM

  Works for me! Thank you very much for the much needed smiles and laughter.GOD bless.

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2BEATIT1 1/22/2011 1:03AM

    I think your talent is sharing humor.
Gives us a good laugh.
Thanks again for sharing
Jean

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BOOKWERME 1/21/2011 6:47PM

    emoticon I've been working too hard!

Comment edited on: 1/21/2011 6:47:29 PM

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ELLFIN3 1/19/2011 8:10PM

    Great!!! This one is right up my alley!!! Thanks!!! emoticon emoticon

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DWROBERGE 1/19/2011 2:41AM

    yoU JUST HAVE TO DO IT AND STOP WORRYING ABUT MISSING SOME UNIMPORTANT THING.

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Installing a husband

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Dear Tech Support ,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0, Fishing 7.2, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0. (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program-this will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck!
Tech Support

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BOOKWERME 1/21/2011 6:44PM

    THAT is so CUTE! emoticon

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SKMINNY 1/20/2011 7:44AM

    OH my gosh this is too funny! guess what, that system is still running like that after 34 years , some times there is still a glitch when it leaves the area!!

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NTSOHLTHNT 1/19/2011 8:09PM

    LOL, funny! Thanks for sharing. emoticon

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ELLFIN3 1/19/2011 8:07PM

    emoticon That is great!!!!!! Thanks for the chuckle!! emoticon emoticon

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MRE1956 1/19/2011 9:08AM

    emoticon

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GRANDMA624 1/19/2011 6:34AM

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REDSHOES2011 1/18/2011 10:49PM

    emoticonfunny blog

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