SUNSHINE65   49,912
SparkPoints
40,000-49,999 SparkPoints
 
 
SUNSHINE65's Recent Blog Entries

Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

Thursday, May 02, 2013

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a Black Hawk chopper coming in over a sand hill near Mogadishu. When my PTSD starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is me.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WOUBBIE 5/2/2013 11:21AM

    Best one yet!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
DALID414 5/2/2013 11:12AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
HELEN_BRU 5/2/2013 8:34AM

    Funny! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
GARDENCHRIS 5/2/2013 7:03AM

    love it! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
VICKI2705 5/2/2013 5:36AM

    emoticon .

Report Inappropriate Comment
MI-ELLKAYBEE 5/2/2013 2:38AM

    OMG!

Report Inappropriate Comment
SPARKCHANTAL 5/2/2013 1:37AM

    I feel sorry for your daughter.

Report Inappropriate Comment


The Female Dentist

Wednesday, May 01, 2013

A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot. "No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man says:" I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!'

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objections to taking a pill.
"No objection," he says. "I'm fine with pills." The dentist gives him a couple of pills. He swallows them. "What are they?" he says.

"Viagra," says the dentist.

"Heck," the patient says, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NAYPOOIE 5/3/2013 2:06AM

    LOL

Report Inappropriate Comment
DONNABRIGHT 5/2/2013 9:20AM

    A good woman has multiple solutions!

Report Inappropriate Comment
DALID414 5/1/2013 10:56PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment


Secrets

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

www.upworthy.com/this-frickin-guy-ha
s-gotten-more-confessions-out-of-peopl
e-than-the-frickin-pope-2?c=upw1

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MISSDAISY23 5/1/2013 11:15AM

    Thank you for sharing! Wow! It is awesome that someone came up with this idea.

Take care & have a fabulous day! emoticon

emoticon
Daisy


Report Inappropriate Comment
CHARDY0125 4/30/2013 10:04PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment


Later...Later...Later...

Monday, April 29, 2013

"After being named the unhappiest and the fattest state in the country, West Virginia has now been named the most stressed-out state. Researchers aren't sure why, but they think it might have something to do with being called sad and fat." -Jimmy Fallon



"According to a new study, the best job in America is actuary ˜ primarily because no one knows what an actuary is. So they don't have to do much." -Jimmy Kimmel




"Near Antarctica, scientists just discovered some new undersea creatures. I believe this deep sea discovery is yet more evidence of the wonderful bio-diversity in our oceans that we have to clear out if we're going to get at that tasty crude oil." -Craig Ferguson

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CAROLYNVIL 5/1/2013 9:22PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
SPARKLE1908 5/1/2013 8:53PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
DALID414 4/30/2013 1:29AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
BARCLE 4/30/2013 12:54AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
DOVESEYES 4/30/2013 12:10AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment


Late...Late....Late....

Monday, April 29, 2013

(The Bush Presidential Library) is basically the Hard Rock Café of catastrophic policy decisions. -Jon Stewart


The Bush Presidential Library is beautiful, and they have a huge section devoted to weapons of mass destruction, but nobody can find it. -David Letterman



All five living presidents were in Dallas today for the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library. President Obama said he was happy to support the opening of the library. He should be. After all, Bush got him elected twice. Blame Bush on that one, sir! -Jay Leno


New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was in Texas today for the dedication of George W. Bush's presidential library. The library is already done, but they brought in Christie for a second ground breaking. -Jimmy Fallon (What is this love of fat jokes????)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CAROLYNVIL 5/1/2013 9:32PM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
NAYPOOIE 4/30/2013 11:45AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
DALID414 4/30/2013 1:31AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
BARCLE 4/30/2013 12:54AM

    emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment


First Page  1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 Last Page