SUNSHINE65   60,281
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Later NIghter

Friday, April 19, 2013

North Korea is ruled by Kim Jong Un. Over the weekend, the premier of China told Kim Jong Un to chill out. Now, when the premier of China tells you to chill out, it’s like Mel Gibson saying, ‘Whoa, easy on the tequila’. Japan gave warnings too. They said if North Korea tests this new weapon, Japan will have no choice but to set up their own missile defense system. They’re adorable little missiles with ‘Hello Kitty’ on them. This is unprecedented. First China, now Japan. I haven’t seen people turn against a fat Korean guy this quickly since ‘Gangnam Style’. -Craig Ferguson


The acting president of Venezuela has put a curse on voters who don’t vote for him in next week’s election. Today Mitt Romney said, ‘You can do that?’ -Jay Leno


This week on the ‘Today’ show, Chelsea Clinton said she’s open to running for political office one day. When she heard that, Sasha Obama was like, ‘Cool. How does secretary of state sound?’ -Jimmy Fallon


The Obama administration new budget plan calls for saving billions of dollars by selling off federal properties. So folks get ready for the Washington Monument, brought to you by Cialis. -Conan O'Brien



I want Kim Jong-un to test a missile because it's always a spectacular disaster. He's the only Asian in the world that doesn't test well. John Boehner said today he wants to take away North Korea's missiles, but he won't because that's a slippery slope from there to gun control. -Bill Maher


Republicans did not have the votes for a filibuster, so there will be a debate about the gun bill. And given the recent rash of gun violence, Republicans said it was the least they could do. Literally, they had a meeting and said, 'What is the least we can do?' -Bill Maher


These people are mental. Congressman Joe Barton of Texas used Noah's Ark as evidence that global warming doesn't' exist. He said, 'If you're a believer in the Bible, one would have to say the Great Flood is an example of climate change and that certainly wasn't because mankind had overdeveloped hydrocarbon energy.' Can we forget Noah? This guy needs to start collecting two of every chromosome.
-Bill Maher


Street corner crazies are now in Congress. Listen to this one. Congressman Steve Stockman tweeted his new slogan: 'If babies had guns, they wouldn't be aborted.' What a great way for Republicans to win back women: 'Hey, wouldn't it be cool if your (slang term for lady part) had a gun in it?' -Bill Maher

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANASARI 4/20/2013 7:12AM

    Those were funny, thanks!
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DOVESEYES 4/20/2013 12:10AM

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MCFITZ2 4/19/2013 10:33PM

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Mutitasker!

Thursday, April 18, 2013

1funny.com/brass-band-multitasker/

  
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ZRIE014 4/18/2013 1:15AM

  have a great day

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Who broke down the walls of Jericho?

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Who broke down the walls of Jericho?

The visiting Bible school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class, "Who broke down the walls of Jericho?"

Little Johnny replies, "I dunno, but it wasn't me!"

The supervisor, taken aback by Johnny's lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.

The principal replies, "I know Little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them; if Little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth."

Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story...

After listening he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the wall!"

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AUNTWILLIE 4/19/2013 6:00PM

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ANASARI 4/18/2013 12:44PM

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DOVESEYES 4/17/2013 8:10PM

    Love it!!

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DALID414 4/17/2013 2:37PM

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Funnies...

Monday, April 15, 2013

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Denny's Wedding

10. "I guess the Waffle House was booked"
9. "I said I wanted to get married at Disney"
8. "You think this is bad - they're having their honeymoon at Sleepy's"
7. "You may now exchange onion rings"
6. "By the power vested in me, the assistant manager, Keith..."
5. "I'd like to read a passage from appetizers"
4. "You got them a deep fryer? I got them a deep fryer!"
3. "We're registered at Jenny Craig"
2. "The waiter's in the kitchen giving the maid of honor a sausage slam"
1. "You may now Heimlich the bride"

David Letterman


Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Accountant

10. Take off your clothes and sit on the examining table (Harvey Tanton)
9. Good news -- you earned enough to co-sign my mortgage! (Whitney Boyd)
8. My client Wesley Snipes said prison wasn't so bad (Phil Defalco)
7. Would you like to touch my rubber thumb? (Lawrence Spielman)
6. I'm faxing over your 1099 form right now [makes faxing sound] (Gary Schatsky)
5. Care to make a tax-deductible donation to the Taliban? (Bob Manger)
4. Give me fifty bucks -- I'll make your taxes disappear (Andrew Ross)
3. Do you have someplace to stay until things blow over? (Sandra Bussell)
2. Ignore the blood stains (Richard Koenigsberg)
1. Ey, Nice W-2s (Andrew Rubin)

David Letterman


During a fundraiser, President Obama raised some eyebrows when he called California’s Kamala Harris, quote, ‘the best-looking attorney general in the country’. Of course he said it was just a joke. Then Michelle was like, ‘Well, here’s another one: What’s black and white and sleeps on the couch?’ -Jimmy Fallon


North Korea has the same ability to launch a nuclear strike against America as I do. It’s like walking through a parking lot and getting barked at by a chihuahua locked in a car. -Bill Maher

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANASARI 4/16/2013 10:50AM

    LOL Loved it, thanks for the chuckles!

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IMREITE 4/15/2013 11:53PM

    i like lists of jokes

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WOUBBIE 4/15/2013 10:45PM

    I upvote BIll Maher's Chihuahua joke.

That reminds me of Jimmy Kimmel's comment about Maher at the White House Correspondents' Dinner last year:

“And by the way, just to clear things up for the extreme right-wingers, here’s the difference between Bill Maher and Rush Limbaugh: the people who watch Bill Maher KNOW he’s an a--hole.”

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DOVESEYES 4/15/2013 10:38PM

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GRANDMABABA 4/15/2013 10:36PM

    Thanks for the giggles

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RAPUNZEL53 4/15/2013 9:54PM

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DALID414 4/15/2013 9:39PM

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Nite...

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Right now there are two Kims in the news. There’s Kim Jong-Un, who’s the leader of North Korea, and then there’s Kim Kardaishian, the reality star who’s having a baby with Kanye West. It can be kind of tough to keep track of who’s who. Kim Kardashian’s life is like a roller coaster; Kim Jong-Un isn’t tall enough to ride one. Kim Kardashian’s favorite movie is called Failure to Launch; Kim Jong-Un’s nuclear program is called Failure to Launch. -Jimmy Kimmel


Tensions continue to mount in this North Korea situation. The U.S. has moved a Navy warship off the coast of the Korean Peninsula. Is that going to scare the North Koreans? If you really want to scare them, don’t send a warship. Send a Carnival cruise ship. -Jay Leno


It seems like every single day, President Obama finds a new way to waste our tax dollars. I mean, two daughters? Seems a little redundant. -Stephen Colbert


Yesterday NBC announced Jay’s retirement. And today they officially began regretting it. But you don’t have to worry. Jay always bounces back and that’s what Fallon ought to be worried about. -David Letterman


Former President George Bush has invited President Obama to the opening of his presidential library later this month. President Obama said he's looking forward to going through the library to see if there was anything else he could blame Bush for. -Jay Leno

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AMALIA8 4/13/2013 12:49PM

    Those are good! Thanks for sharing! Keep up the fabulous work!

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DALID414 4/13/2013 11:57AM

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WOUBBIE 4/13/2013 11:07AM

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MARYJOANNA 4/13/2013 10:30AM

  The blame game goes on!

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DOVESEYES 4/13/2013 2:52AM

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