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Late Night Funnies

Friday, April 05, 2013

Top Ten Things We Will Miss About Jay Leno

10. Whenever he used a "Headline" I sent in, I got a "Tonight Show" T-shirt
9. Now I'm the only guy in late night television who's not a Jimmy
8. He looks damn good in denim
7. Driving one of his antique fire trucks
6. Playful spats with Gelman
5. If you broke down on the freeway, Jay was always there to help with a camera crew
4. Can't remember the name of the bit, but it's the one where Jay is walking
3. He's mom's favorite talk show host
2. I won't be able to do this anymore (Dave does Leno impression)
1. Watching him interview big stars who won't do this show

-David Letterman


Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Traveling with Your Monkey

10. "When was my last tetanus shot?"
9. "Would it be easier to FedEx the monkey?"
8. "Why didn't I think of this sooner?"
7. "Should I take my monkey out of school for this?"
6. "Are we visiting countries that consider monkey a delicacy?"
5. "Isn't this the premise of every disease-outbreak movie?"
4. "Will other travelers mind the smell of monkey?"
3. "Should my monkey and I just take a staycation?"
2. "Do I have my monkey's allergy medicine?"
1. "Germany is welcoming to monkeys, right?"

-David Letterman

The Supreme Court heard arguments on the constitutionality of same-sex marriage. It could be a major blow for those who believe that marriage should be between two bitterly and eventually overweight people of the opposite sex. -Jimmy Kimmel


Happy birthday to retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor. She’s 83 years old today. And listen to this: In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court wished her a happy birthday. -Conan O'Brien

  
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BARCLE 4/7/2013 12:22AM

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Pig farmer dilemma

Wednesday, April 03, 2013

There was a farmer who had many pigs. One day someone came to the farm and asked the farmer, "What do you use to feed your pigs?"

"Well, I give them acorn, corn, vegetable scraps and things like that. Why?"

"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes." Then he fined the farmer.

Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered, "Well, I feed them very well. I give them fish, whole grains, hot corn mash and as much fresh fruit and vegetables as I can get my hands on. Why?"

"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat." And he fined the farmer.

Finally, another man came in and asked the same question.

The hesitant farmer answered after a minute of careful thought: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever it is they want."

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PAMNANGEL 4/6/2013 12:39AM

    Poor farmer!🐷🐷🐷

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MSJESSPDX 4/5/2013 10:43PM

    Love it! emoticon

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AMALIA8 4/4/2013 7:01AM

    LOL. That is quite a dilemma. I think the thing to remember though is that no matter what you do, you'll always annoy someone. LOL. Keep up the great work!

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2ABBYNORMAL 4/4/2013 1:00AM

    Quite a dilemma.
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DALID414 4/4/2013 12:37AM

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NAYPOOIE 4/4/2013 12:21AM

    too close to truth

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DOVESEYES 4/3/2013 11:14PM

    Typical!!!lol

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KBEHNKE81 4/3/2013 10:54PM

    Yeah. You just can't make everyone happy.

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VENISEW1 4/3/2013 10:53PM

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Quotes

Wednesday, April 03, 2013

"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it." -Sam Levenson

***

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later." -Mitch Hedberg

***

"You need to be careful when writing comments," our principal told the faculty. He held a report card for a Susan Crabbe. A colleague had written, "Susan is beginning to come out of her shell."

  
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HPSANDDOLLAR 4/4/2013 8:18AM

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Late...

Tuesday, April 02, 2013

A new poll shows that 64 percent of New Jersey residents don't care about New Jersey Governor Chris Christie's weight. That's mostly because Chris Christie IS 64 percent of New Jersey. -Conan O'Brien


Congresswoman Michele Bachmann is under investigation for alleged misuse of campaign funds. She's blaming the accusations on her arch nemesis: the facts. -Jay Leno


Top Ten Questions On The Dog IQ Test

10. Did you eat the dishtowel?
9. If a car is moving at 30 mph and you chase it at 15 mph, how soon will you catch it?
8. Sit
7. What is it, boy, trouble at the mill?
6. Kibbles, bits, or none of the above?
5. Paw? 4.
Conjugate "woof"
3. Who's a good doggie?
2. Summarize the advantage of licking yourself
1. Can you parallel park a car? (video of dog driving a car)

-David Letterman


Last year there was some trouble at the White House's Easter egg hunt. One kid looking for eggs turned up Obama's birth certificate. -David Letterman

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DALID414 4/3/2013 12:10AM

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DOVESEYES 4/2/2013 11:50PM

    Ha ha I saw the Kiwis teaching the dog to drive amazing only they would have the patience!!!

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MCFITZ2 4/2/2013 11:09PM

    Lassie what is it. Is Timmy in the well?


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MSJESSPDX 4/2/2013 11:01PM

    This made me smile at the end of a very long day--thank you!

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AMALIA8 4/2/2013 10:44PM

    LOL. Nice! Keep up the great work!

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Poor Medusa!

Tuesday, April 02, 2013

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PAMNANGEL 4/6/2013 12:40AM

    Oops!🐍🐍🐍

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CAROLYNVIL 4/4/2013 3:55PM

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CHRIS3874 4/2/2013 9:02PM

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STEELKICKIN 4/2/2013 9:01PM

    LOL!!!!

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DOVESEYES 4/2/2013 7:51PM

    Oops that's awkward!!!

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NAYPOOIE 4/2/2013 12:35PM

    LOL

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YMWONG22 4/2/2013 11:38AM

  Haha ... funny. Thank you!
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EVER-HOPEFUL 4/2/2013 11:11AM

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KESTRYLL 4/2/2013 11:11AM

    Very funny, love it.

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ALIHIKES 4/2/2013 11:05AM

    Love it! very funny

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ROSE-LITE 4/2/2013 11:04AM

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