SUNSHINE65   62,723
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Rejected Greeting Cards

Friday, January 14, 2011

You totaled your car
And can't remember why.
Could it have been.
That whole case of Bud Dry?

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your Birthday
So we're having you put to sleep.

You are such a good friend
That if we were on a sinking ship
And there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

When we were together,
You always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go,
Would you like to take this knife out of my back.
You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GRANDMA624 1/18/2011 9:46AM

  emoticon emoticon

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ELLFIN3 1/15/2011 4:53PM

    emoticon Thanks!!!!!

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BEECHWOOD3 1/15/2011 4:09PM

    Funny!

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MRE1956 1/15/2011 4:28AM

    emoticon

emoticon for sharing!

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PEEDLE 1/15/2011 12:53AM

    Luv it Luv it, Luv it!!!!
Mary Lou

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SWEETPEA0214 1/14/2011 11:57PM

    Funny, funny, funny emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DEVILISH4TAZ 1/14/2011 11:51PM

    I like this!

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Dear Abby!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he did it.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CAROLYNVIL 1/14/2011 11:21PM

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PAMNANGEL 1/14/2011 11:31AM

    emoticon

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ELLFIN3 1/14/2011 11:06AM

    Very funny!! Thanks for sharing!!! emoticon emoticon

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New Definitions

Thursday, January 13, 2011

abdicate (v), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
balderdash (n), a rapidly receding hairline.
carcinoma (n), a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
coffee (n), a person who is coughed upon.
esplanade (v), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
flabbergasted (adj), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
flatulence (n), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
lymph (v), to walk with a lisp.
marionettes (n), residents of Washington DC who have been jerked around by the mayor.
negligent (adj), describes a condition where you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
oyster (n), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
gargoyle (n), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
semantics (n), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before mass.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AZURELITE 1/15/2011 9:41AM

    Funny! Thanks for helping me start my day with a laugh!

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ELLFIN3 1/13/2011 4:15PM

    I like these!!! Thanks for sharing!!!!! emoticon emoticon

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The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

Monday, January 10, 2011

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands mimicking water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another ' Middle Wife' comes along.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUNSHINE65 9/5/2011 6:20PM

    I still love this story!

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MARYB73 1/10/2011 2:25PM

   
Thanks for sharing. This is so funny! I hope there is another like it for your camera.

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GGKIDS7 1/10/2011 1:44PM

    Oh, how funny. We have to be careful what we say and do as we don't know who is watching. Thanks for sharing. I know about show and tell. My son did some real good ones that the teacher told me about. emoticon

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ELLFIN3 1/10/2011 12:58PM

    Kids have the best out look on life! Thanks for sharing a priceless story!!! Enjoy your day!!!!! emoticon emoticon

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NINALEE35 1/10/2011 10:04AM

    That is above delightful! Out of the mouths of babes....! Thanks for sharing. What a wonderful way to start my day!

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AZURELITE 1/10/2011 7:28AM

    What a good way to start my day... with a good ol' fashioned laugh!! My sister taught kindergarten for years; I will pass this along to her as she loves to read stories like this!!

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YIGOBUTTERFLY 1/10/2011 6:35AM

    I am laughing!!! I am really laughing! I am going to copy this and send it to my sons because it is soooo funny!

Love it,

Jane

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IMEMINE1 1/10/2011 4:55AM

    Too Funny. emoticon

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COULYNNS 1/10/2011 2:25AM

    I was laughing so hard I had tears running down my face! Thanks for sharing, kids are amazing -I am student teaching in 3rd grade and had a little boy try to give me $5 repeatedly to "buy myself something nice why don't I" haha! Gotta love 'em!

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Senior Texting Code

Sunday, January 02, 2011

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC.
If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.

ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk 's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFLCGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes ?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
LMGA: Lost My Glasses Again
GLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)




  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

YIGOBUTTERFLY 1/3/2011 3:31AM

    You are a riot!!!

GFF!

Jane on Guam

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ELLFIN3 1/2/2011 9:03PM

    That is Hilarious! Thanks for sharing!!!!! emoticon
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PAMNANGEL 1/2/2011 3:59PM

    Now I know what I have to look forward to.

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SHARKAR02 1/2/2011 3:03PM

    emoticon So funny!!!!

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WENDYSPARKS 1/2/2011 3:01PM

    Happy New Year!!

Wendy emoticon

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KATHYJO56 1/2/2011 2:56PM

    OMG This is way too funny! A Spark Friend recommended this blog to me. This is just my kind of humor. emoticon

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ONECOOKIETWO 1/2/2011 1:12PM

    I LOVE THIS!!

Thank you for sharing it. I'm sending it to my "spam buddy list" right now.

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ROSY_TIAMO 1/2/2011 8:40AM

    Love your sense of humor! emoticon

ROFLCGU... I was directed here by Missy TWOTIMESS. I'm stealing this to send to all my old cronies. Toooooo funny......Oops, GLKI
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PAMBWS 1/2/2011 7:42AM

    You are just too funny! Thanx for sharing your sense of humour!
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WINDSONG~ 1/2/2011 3:33AM

    emoticon

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TWOTIMESS 1/2/2011 3:14AM

    emoticon
WTFA! This is truly one of the best blogs I've come across! I'll go call my friends to come read this! WWNO...

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YAGERMONSTER 1/2/2011 3:01AM

    Hilarious! Yup, same thing here. Gotta go show mom. Thanks for posting and sharing. :D

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TIBURONA 1/2/2011 2:51AM

    ROFLCGU
Have to show these to Mom!

Comment edited on: 1/2/2011 2:52:53 AM

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