Friday, January 14, 2011
You totaled your car
And can't remember why.
Could it have been.
That whole case of Bud Dry?
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your Birthday
So we're having you put to sleep.
You are such a good friend
That if we were on a sinking ship
And there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
When we were together,
You always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go,
Would you like to take this knife out of my back.
You'll probably need it again.
Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he did it.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.
Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Thursday, January 13, 2011
abdicate (v), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
balderdash (n), a rapidly receding hairline.
carcinoma (n), a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
coffee (n), a person who is coughed upon.
esplanade (v), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
flabbergasted (adj), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
flatulence (n), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
lymph (v), to walk with a lisp.
marionettes (n), residents of Washington DC who have been jerked around by the mayor.
negligent (adj), describes a condition where you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
oyster (n), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
gargoyle (n), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
semantics (n), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before mass.
Monday, January 10, 2011
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)
'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands mimicking water flowing away. It was too much!)
'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another ' Middle Wife' comes along.
Sunday, January 02, 2011
Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC.
If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.
ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk 's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFLCGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes ?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
LMGA: Lost My Glasses Again
GLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)
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