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A Following Person

Sunday, February 24, 2013

A teacher was sitting at her desk grading papers when her first-grade class came back from lunch. Alice informed the teacher, "Paul has to go to the principal's office."

"I wonder why," the teacher mused.

"Because he's a following person," Alice replied.

"A what?" the teacher asked.

"It came over the loudspeaker: 'The following persons are to go to the office.'"

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GARDENCHRIS 2/25/2013 7:48AM


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DALID414 2/24/2013 8:35PM


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UMBILICAL 2/24/2013 8:34PM


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More than one way of looking at it!

Sunday, February 24, 2013

The other day I was in the local auto parts store. A lady comes in and asks for a seven ten cap. We all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?"

She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."

"What kind of a car is it on?" they asked.

Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no, she said, "It's a Buick."

"OK lady, how big is it?"

She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.

"What does it do?" we asked.

She said, "I don't know but it's always been there."

One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710. The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down as she writes it and they just fall down behind the counter laughing.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

1CRAZYDOG 2/24/2013 4:50PM


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NAYPOOIE 2/24/2013 2:22PM

    Interpretation is everything. I read a joke about a vanity license plate IMOKU2. The husband read it as I mock you too, while the wife saw I'm OK, you too.

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HHB4181 2/24/2013 1:26PM


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CARRAND 2/24/2013 1:23PM

    Took me a minute...

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SLACHETKA103145 2/24/2013 7:31AM

    Thanks for the light thoughts of the before.....

emoticon emoticon

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DOVESEYES 2/24/2013 7:19AM


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DALID414 2/24/2013 1:58AM


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WOMANATWORK1 2/24/2013 1:36AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Ha! This one makes me laugh!!!! Some of us remember the days before cell phones and text messages, when we used our BEEPERS and typed "07734" for "hello" and "411" meant "give me a call, I need information"!!!!!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Late Night - you asked for them!

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Late Night Funny #1

There's a photo from the Inauguration in which Former President Bill Clinton appears to be checking out Kelly Clarkson. Clinton said, 'That's not true, I was checking out Beyonce and Kelly Clarkson got in the way.'

Conan O'Brien

Late Night Funny #2

Beyonce is remaining silent about charges that she lip-synched the national anthem. However, the charges are being strongly denied by a recording of Beyonce.

Conan O'Brien

Late Night Funny #3

Yes, lip-gate. Beyonce-gate. The crisis in Lip-ya. Beyonc-gazi ... If Beyonce lip-synced at Obama's inaugural, do you know what that means? If so, please write in because I'd love to know why I'm so angry!

Stephen Colbert

Late Nite funny #4

Joe Biden made another one of his famous gaffes on camera Monday, saying he was proud to be president of the United States. I guess he forgot he wasn't at home standing in front of the bathroom mirror.

Jay Leno

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HHB4181 2/24/2013 1:27PM

    emoticon those are great. I love Conan!

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CARRAND 2/24/2013 1:24PM

    Lip Syncing made sense at the time. It didn't bother me a bit.

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DALID414 2/23/2013 11:49PM

    I love Beyonce, I forgive her. She redeemed herself at the Super Bowl half-time show.

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Potty (Mouth) Training

Thursday, February 21, 2013

This morning, I placed my 2-year-old son, Eddie, in his high chair and put a plate of banana's covered in peanut butter on his tray. He looked up at me with his little pinkies extended, and clearly, as one might say, "Hi," or "Bye," he said, "Fuk."

"Excuse me?" I asked.

"Fuk," he said. And once again with more emphasis, in case I didn't hear him the first time. "Fuk!"

It was the third time he'd used that word this week, and every time he did, I thought, "Dammit. The fact that I have a foul mouth has finally come home to roost."

Friends had warned me if I didn't clean up my language, it was going to rub off on my son. Until now, Eddie wasn't old enough to understand what I was saying. It appears that's now changing.

I was never one to care about cursing in front of children. Before I had my son, I even resented having to curb my language. I hated the way when we'd visit friends with children, I couldn't get a story out without constantly being interrupted with "Shuh!" or "Achem!" every time I said a four-letter word. These same friends usually had prohibitions on anyone watching shows like "Law and Order" or "Family Guy" in their homes because they deemed the language or subject matter to be inappropriate for children.

So we all have to suffer? I would think.

My husband has even gotten on my case about word choice.

"You know he said 'Fuk,' the other day," my husband said.

"Yeah, I've heard him say that, too. I think he was talking about his 'truck.' I don't know why he calls it that, but he meant 'truck,' " I said.

"Yeah?" my husband said.

"Yeah," I said.

While using profanity may not be genetic, the idea that it shouldn't be verboten apparently is. My father thought the prohibition on cursing was ridiculous. But more than that, he thought such a prohibition actually encouraged it. To prove his point, he conducted a scientific experiment in our home when I was young. He told me and my brother that under no circumstance could we ever use the word, "Gherkin." It was simply forbidden. And don't you know, whenever I felt angry, the first word I would utter was, "Gherkin!" When I felt defiant? "Gherkin!" Frustrated? "Gherkin!" In our house, this miniature pickle was something to be avoided, not because it tasted bad, but because if you said it, you could get your mouth washed out with soap. When the experiment was over and I could use the word "Gherkin" as freely as anyone else, I no longer said it, proving his point.

Years later, I replaced "Gherkin" with any number of George Carlin's "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television." The words weren't just alluring because they were prohibited. When I used them, I seemed to exude toughness, something I didn't feel as a shy youth who was afraid to express her opinions. People seemed to think a girl who uses foul language eats nails for breakfast and can kick your butt, if not physically, then verbally. Nothing says "strength" like a string of sewer-mouthed invectives.

Of course nothing says "disrespect" like a string of sewer-mouthed invectives, and that's what I've finally come to realize. People have strong opinions about cursing. In a crowded room full of chatter, profanity is jarring. It sounds menacing, like shattering glass. When you use it, people form opinions about you that aren't always good, just as they might form an opinion about someone who has a tattoo or a nose ring. And some of the people forming those opinions will be my son's teachers or prospective friends. I figure Eddie's got plenty of time to disenfranchise himself from the people around him. I should at least let him get to second grade before that starts happening.

But I know Eddie doesn't have a chance in hell of keeping his mouth clean unless I clean up my own mouth, and I need to do it fast. He's already begun mimicking the things me and my husband do. He's started calling me, "Scay-bee," the pet name my husband and I call each other. He takes tissues out of the tissue box and pretends to blow his nose, because he's seen me do it. He sits briefly on his little training potty, grunts once and then says, "All done," because he watches us. After seeing me put strips of first-aid tape on my chest so that when I go running, my bra doesn't give me an abrasion, Eddie now asks for tape and then places it on his own chest, in the same spots I place mine.

My son's daycare is in a church, and when I attended a Zumba class there the other day, I found myself standing next to the daycare's director. I turned to her after a particularly strenuous dance routine, and said, "Oh my god, my f*cking ankle is killing me!" As she looked up at me incredulously, I could feel the words float out of my mouth in slow motion the way people describe that moment in a car accident when their vehicle turns 180 degrees before crashing into the guardrail. It seems I need to curb my cursing not just in front of Eddie, but in front of his teachers, lest they think I throw curse words around our home with impunity. Much in life is viewed like the "Broken Window Theory": People will think if a parent allows cursing at home, what other dirty, filthy habits will they tolerate?

I watched Eddie in his high-chair, and he didn't seem to be eating his bananas. He just sat there staring at them.

"Fuk," he said again. He then pointed to a drawer of our kitchen cabinet.

"This?" I said and opened the drawer. "Fork!"

I took a fork out of the utensil tray and handed it to my son.

"Fuk," he said, holding up the fork. He then speared one of the bananas and stuck it in his mouth and smiled.

I was given a reprieve, but I knew it was only temporary. With Eddie 2, I was going to have to begin training my potty mouth now. Because I hear it only gets more challenging as time goes on.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARRAND 2/23/2013 8:33PM

    Kids will pick up on all your habits, good or bad.

I told my kids they couldn't use a word until they had done it. That eliminated f**k and s**k, but allowed them to say sh*t, so that was their favorite curse word for a long time.

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2BDYNAMIC 2/22/2013 11:37PM

    My daughter was driving with her TWO year old girl in the car seat and a man pulled out in front and of course my daughter blurted out, "that F.....ER!!!"........... and just like a little parrot, angel-face blurted ........ "Fu.......KKER!!!" ................. It so startled her, she cleaned up her potty mouth for good (well at least in front of her toddler) ................... teachers tend to frown big time on these things) ..........
But kids really ARE just like parrots ............. whatever they hear, they will repeat .............. emoticon

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1CRAZYDOG 2/22/2013 6:45PM

    Looks like you beat the "forkin'" bullet this time. I feel for you, but it's good if you can curb it!

HUGS and here's to a good weekend.

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CINDYSDAY 2/22/2013 10:09AM


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EVER-HOPEFUL 2/22/2013 2:01AM

    i knew from the first fuk he meant fork but then i had it all with my children ll.we were taught that swearing is for the ignorant as they canīt think of anyother word to use instead of the swear word.also the fact that there is no official swear word in the welsh lanfuage might have help us.haveing said that there was lots of profanity in takeing the lords name in vain instead.just like the experiment with your father and the gherkin.if we took the lords name in vain we would get our mouth washed out.but an actual swear word i imagine we would of just got reprimanded.never tried it out to see though,lol.loved this blog. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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AUNTHELEN 2/22/2013 1:41AM

    oh, this sounds so familiar! emoticon m emoticon

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DOVESEYES 2/22/2013 12:16AM


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DALID414 2/22/2013 12:01AM

    Awe, I love the this.
My sister ahems me in front of my nephew and I tell her if we don't make a big deal about the words he won't want to say them. He's almost 4 and doesn't talk much, he's a thinker.

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FENWAYGIRL18 2/21/2013 11:38PM

    hahahaha yes sounds like mommy has to wash her mouth out with soap before things get worse hahaha I'm laughing because I also had to change my language once I became a mommy so many years ago , so this story hits home hahaha.
I feel for you but you have to catch yourself before it hits your lips and enters the air for little Eddie to hear, good luck!

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They were soooooo stupid

Thursday, February 21, 2013

..They took a ruler to bed to see how long they slept.
..They sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
..They thought a quarterback was a refund.
..They tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
..They thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
..They thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
..They thought General Motors was in the Army.
..They thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
..They thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
..Under "education" on their job application, they put "Hooked On Phonics."
..They tripped over a cordless phone.
..They spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BARCLE 2/21/2013 4:27PM

    emoticon these are great

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1CRAZYDOG 2/21/2013 2:15PM

    BWAHAHAHAHA . . . tripped over a cordless phone. Wait, wait . . . I could probably do that! emoticon

HUGS and thanks for a laugh.

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DALID414 2/21/2013 1:24PM

    emoticon I've heard some of these as Yo Momma jokes.

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NAYPOOIE 2/21/2013 11:05AM

    I certainly hope they were successful with the M&Ms

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CINDYSDAY 2/21/2013 9:17AM


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AUNTHELEN 2/21/2013 2:25AM

    thanks for the giggles!! emoticon emoticon

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ALIHIKES 2/21/2013 1:30AM

    Great jokes! Love them

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DOVESEYES 2/21/2013 12:52AM


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