SUNSHINE65   62,418
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New Definitions

Thursday, January 13, 2011

abdicate (v), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
balderdash (n), a rapidly receding hairline.
carcinoma (n), a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
coffee (n), a person who is coughed upon.
esplanade (v), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
flabbergasted (adj), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
flatulence (n), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
lymph (v), to walk with a lisp.
marionettes (n), residents of Washington DC who have been jerked around by the mayor.
negligent (adj), describes a condition where you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
oyster (n), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
gargoyle (n), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
semantics (n), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before mass.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AZURELITE 1/15/2011 9:41AM

    Funny! Thanks for helping me start my day with a laugh!

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ELLFIN3 1/13/2011 4:15PM

    I like these!!! Thanks for sharing!!!!! emoticon emoticon

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The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

Monday, January 10, 2011

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands mimicking water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another ' Middle Wife' comes along.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUNSHINE65 9/5/2011 6:20PM

    I still love this story!

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MARYB73 1/10/2011 2:25PM

   
Thanks for sharing. This is so funny! I hope there is another like it for your camera.

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GGKIDS7 1/10/2011 1:44PM

    Oh, how funny. We have to be careful what we say and do as we don't know who is watching. Thanks for sharing. I know about show and tell. My son did some real good ones that the teacher told me about. emoticon

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ELLFIN3 1/10/2011 12:58PM

    Kids have the best out look on life! Thanks for sharing a priceless story!!! Enjoy your day!!!!! emoticon emoticon

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NINALEE35 1/10/2011 10:04AM

    That is above delightful! Out of the mouths of babes....! Thanks for sharing. What a wonderful way to start my day!

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AZURELITE 1/10/2011 7:28AM

    What a good way to start my day... with a good ol' fashioned laugh!! My sister taught kindergarten for years; I will pass this along to her as she loves to read stories like this!!

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YIGOBUTTERFLY 1/10/2011 6:35AM

    I am laughing!!! I am really laughing! I am going to copy this and send it to my sons because it is soooo funny!

Love it,

Jane

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IMEMINE1 1/10/2011 4:55AM

    Too Funny. emoticon

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COULYNNS 1/10/2011 2:25AM

    I was laughing so hard I had tears running down my face! Thanks for sharing, kids are amazing -I am student teaching in 3rd grade and had a little boy try to give me $5 repeatedly to "buy myself something nice why don't I" haha! Gotta love 'em!

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Senior Texting Code

Sunday, January 02, 2011

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC.
If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.

ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk 's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFLCGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes ?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
LMGA: Lost My Glasses Again
GLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)




  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

YIGOBUTTERFLY 1/3/2011 3:31AM

    You are a riot!!!

GFF!

Jane on Guam

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ELLFIN3 1/2/2011 9:03PM

    That is Hilarious! Thanks for sharing!!!!! emoticon
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PAMNANGEL 1/2/2011 3:59PM

    Now I know what I have to look forward to.

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SHARKAR02 1/2/2011 3:03PM

    emoticon So funny!!!!

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WENDYSPARKS 1/2/2011 3:01PM

    Happy New Year!!

Wendy emoticon

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KATHYJO56 1/2/2011 2:56PM

    OMG This is way too funny! A Spark Friend recommended this blog to me. This is just my kind of humor. emoticon

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ONECOOKIETWO 1/2/2011 1:12PM

    I LOVE THIS!!

Thank you for sharing it. I'm sending it to my "spam buddy list" right now.

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ROSY_TIAMO 1/2/2011 8:40AM

    Love your sense of humor! emoticon

ROFLCGU... I was directed here by Missy TWOTIMESS. I'm stealing this to send to all my old cronies. Toooooo funny......Oops, GLKI
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PAMBWS 1/2/2011 7:42AM

    You are just too funny! Thanx for sharing your sense of humour!
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WINDSONG~ 1/2/2011 3:33AM

    emoticon

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TWOTIMESS 1/2/2011 3:14AM

    emoticon
WTFA! This is truly one of the best blogs I've come across! I'll go call my friends to come read this! WWNO...

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YAGERMONSTER 1/2/2011 3:01AM

    Hilarious! Yup, same thing here. Gotta go show mom. Thanks for posting and sharing. :D

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TIBURONA 1/2/2011 2:51AM

    ROFLCGU
Have to show these to Mom!

Comment edited on: 1/2/2011 2:52:53 AM

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New Years Resolutions You Can Keep -----------

Saturday, January 01, 2011

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

Stop exercising. Waste of time.

Read less. Makes you think.

Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.

Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

Get in a whole NEW rut!

Personal goal: bring back disco.

Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.

Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.

Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

Get further in debt.

Break at least one traffic law.

Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.

Associate with even worse business clients.

Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.

Wait around for opportunity.

Focus on the faults of others.

Mope about my faults.

Never make New Year's resolutions again.


  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ELLFIN3 1/1/2011 7:08PM

    Oh My Goodness!!! That is great!!!! Enjoy your evening and Sunday!!!! emoticon emoticon

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YIGOBUTTERFLY 1/1/2011 6:16AM

    Oh, boy! How many people will do these? I mean not as a resolution but because...

Thanks,

Ja
ne

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LINDYPAINTS 1/1/2011 5:14AM

    LOL cool Blog..,thanks... BTW- none of these are on my list... LOL emoticon

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DEVRIES51 1/1/2011 4:37AM

    I think I can and have accomplished most if not all of these! LOL! I Hope you have a great year and "NOT" accomplish any of these resolutions!

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Angels explained by children

Thursday, December 30, 2010

I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold. -Gregory, age 5

Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it. -Olive, age 9

It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.
-Matthew, age 9

Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.
-Mitchell, age 7

My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. -Henry, age 8

Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!! -Jack, age 6

Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead. Daniel, age 9

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath again, somewhere there's a tornado. -Reagan, age 10

Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter. -Sara, age 6

Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.
-Jared, age 8

All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it. -Antonio, age 9

My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. -Ashley ~ age 9

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it. -Vicki, age 8

What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.
-Sarah, age 7


  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

YIGOBUTTERFLY 1/1/2011 7:46AM

    Cute!

Jane

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ALICERIEGER 12/31/2010 3:21PM

    There is nothing more refreshing than children's insight. Thank you for sharing.

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GRANDMA624 12/31/2010 8:48AM

  So precious, Thank you!

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SUGARPUNK52 12/31/2010 1:16AM

  Thank you for the laughter! So cute.

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CAROLYNVIL 12/30/2010 11:39PM

    How cute!

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ELLFIN3 12/30/2010 8:31PM

    emoticon Thanks for sharing!!!!!!!! emoticon emoticon

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LADYLEE13 12/30/2010 1:02PM

    Adorable,

I liked the one about the Holy Cows, made me laugh.

Some children are so innocent
Thank you for this Blog
Hugs Lee
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2BEATIT1 12/30/2010 12:42PM

    What a cute blog.
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings
Jean

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JUNEBUG150 12/30/2010 10:12AM

    Very cute! It brought a smile and some chuckles to start my day! emoticon emoticon

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TEDDYTEDDY 12/30/2010 10:12AM

    Thanks...those kids are so smart!!! emoticon

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FLYER99 12/30/2010 10:07AM

    Good morning! This was cute and very funny. A great post to start off my day. Thanks!

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