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Funnies...late nite and other...

Thursday, January 31, 2013

"A recent article says yoga-related injuries are on the rise. It's not surprising that yoga fans are upset with this article. After all, it's easy for them to get bent out of shape." -Craig Ferguson

"A man named Peter Robbins, a 56-year-old guy, was the voice of Charlie Brown on TV. He was arrested for stalking. Apparently, Charlie Brown did not have the money to post bail. You know why? He's working for peanuts." -Jay Leno

"New York City is always striving to improve the quality of life here. Now they're taking down all of the street signs on poles in the city because of clutter. Radioactive steam not a problem. City buses disappearing into potholes not a problem. Meat vendors selling squirrel not a problem." -Dave Letterman

I arrived home to find the place ransacked. Fortunately, my niece and her husband, PJ, were with me. Grabbing a golf club out of the trunk, PJ searched the house to make sure the robber was gone. Then he looked at the club a three iron. "I should have taken the wedge," he said.

"Why?" I asked.

"Lately I've been having trouble hitting anything with my three."

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*

A man went into the pet shop, "I am playing Long John Silver in the local amateur dramatic societies version of Treasure Island and need a parrot to sit on my shoulder," he said.

"I don't have any parrots at the moment, but you wouldn't want a real parrot for that. It would squawk in all the wrong places, poop on your shoulder and generally be a nuisance. What you need is a stuffed parrot. Just as realistic and easily controlled."

"I'm not sure a stuffed parrot would be okay," said the customer. "I do want this performance to be as realistic as possible."

"I am sure a stuffed parrot would be fine," said the pet shop owner. "I have one at home. I'll bring it in and if you come back on Thursday you can have it."

"Sorry," said the customer, "I can't make it on Thursday. That's the day I'm having my leg cut off."

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KARRENLYNN 1/31/2013 11:30PM

    Thanks for the smiles!

Karen emoticon

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DOVESEYES 1/31/2013 10:34PM


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ELSCO55 1/31/2013 10:27PM


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CARRAND 1/31/2013 9:57PM

    Pretty good!

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DALID414 1/31/2013 9:25PM


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Teachers & Cops

Thursday, January 31, 2013

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.ra
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite...)
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NAYPOOIE 2/1/2013 10:58AM

    that last one was mean.

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GARDENCHRIS 2/1/2013 7:16AM


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BLITZEN40 1/31/2013 11:31PM

    "Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven" LOL Thanks for the giggle!

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DALID414 1/31/2013 9:29PM

    emoticon Love it!

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The ultimate prank!

Thursday, January 31, 2013

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARRAND 1/31/2013 6:05PM


So true!

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DALID414 1/31/2013 1:45PM


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3016DEBRA 1/31/2013 1:32PM

  HA HA HA! I'd love to see that!!! emoticon

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NAYPOOIE 1/31/2013 12:01PM


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EVER-HOPEFUL 1/31/2013 9:41AM

    emoticon guess that means fox news is against obahma.we have no fox news here

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Keep on Keepin' on!

Make Today a Great Day!

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Puns for folks with higher IQs...

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Those who jump off Paris bridges are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is: The wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an 'I' for an 'I'.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boy with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist will you get repossessed?

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress..

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt, if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network In Australia - The LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MRSVK11 2/1/2013 11:06AM


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CARRAND 1/31/2013 6:15PM


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GENTLEDSOUL 1/31/2013 2:39PM

    You make me groan so much! I love it!

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WINE4GIRL 1/31/2013 10:50AM


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KJDINSC 1/31/2013 9:07AM

    These are great! My favorite is the one about the midget fortune teller...

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GARDENCHRIS 1/31/2013 7:22AM

    very good!

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DOVESEYES 1/31/2013 6:19AM

    Oh yes love these emoticon

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COLLEENROSTE 1/31/2013 3:40AM

    emoticon love the word games and other punny things

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EVER-HOPEFUL 1/31/2013 2:31AM

    great especially the one with the condom,lol emoticon

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OBIESMOM2 1/31/2013 1:45AM

love 'em!

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HELEN_BRU 1/31/2013 12:39AM

    Very clever! Love them.

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NAYPOOIE 1/30/2013 11:33PM

    I love puns.

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KARRENLYNN 1/30/2013 11:33PM

    Very Cool! Thanks for sharing!


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DALID414 1/30/2013 11:20PM


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SONYALATRECE 1/30/2013 10:52PM

    Tried to pick a fav...I love 'em all!

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Feline Physics

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Law of Cat Inertia - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism - All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics - Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching - A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping - All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Refrigerator Observation - If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction - Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking - A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy - All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment - A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Cat Disinterest - A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection - Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition - A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DOVESEYES 1/30/2013 10:33PM

    Love this so true. emoticon

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CARRAND 1/30/2013 7:42PM

    We have two cats - one dark and one yellow. That way, we always have a cat to shed on our clothes, no matter what we are wearing. If the clothes are dark, the yellow cat will shed on them. If the clothes are light colored, the dark cat takes over the shedding duties.

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DALID414 1/30/2013 1:49PM

    I must have been a cat in a past life!

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NAYPOOIE 1/30/2013 11:11AM

    I see you've known cats.

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CINDYSDAY 1/30/2013 11:04AM


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EVER-HOPEFUL 1/30/2013 9:59AM

    emoticon miawe

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HELEN_BRU 1/30/2013 9:44AM

    Cute emoticon

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