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Teachers & Cops

Thursday, January 31, 2013

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.ra
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite...)
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NAYPOOIE 2/1/2013 10:58AM

    that last one was mean.

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GARDENCHRIS 2/1/2013 7:16AM


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BLITZEN40 1/31/2013 11:31PM

    "Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven" LOL Thanks for the giggle!

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DALID414 1/31/2013 9:29PM

    emoticon Love it!

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The ultimate prank!

Thursday, January 31, 2013

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARRAND 1/31/2013 6:05PM


So true!

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DALID414 1/31/2013 1:45PM


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3016DEBRA 1/31/2013 1:32PM

  HA HA HA! I'd love to see that!!! emoticon

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NAYPOOIE 1/31/2013 12:01PM


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EVER-HOPEFUL 1/31/2013 9:41AM

    emoticon guess that means fox news is against obahma.we have no fox news here

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Keep on Keepin' on!

Make Today a Great Day!

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Puns for folks with higher IQs...

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Those who jump off Paris bridges are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is: The wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an 'I' for an 'I'.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boy with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist will you get repossessed?

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress..

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt, if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network In Australia - The LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MRSVK11 2/1/2013 11:06AM


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CARRAND 1/31/2013 6:15PM


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GENTLEDSOUL 1/31/2013 2:39PM

    You make me groan so much! I love it!

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WINE4GIRL 1/31/2013 10:50AM


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KJDINSC 1/31/2013 9:07AM

    These are great! My favorite is the one about the midget fortune teller...

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GARDENCHRIS 1/31/2013 7:22AM

    very good!

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DOVESEYES 1/31/2013 6:19AM

    Oh yes love these emoticon

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COLLEENROSTE 1/31/2013 3:40AM

    emoticon love the word games and other punny things

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EVER-HOPEFUL 1/31/2013 2:31AM

    great especially the one with the condom,lol emoticon

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OBIESMOM2 1/31/2013 1:45AM

love 'em!

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HELEN_BRU 1/31/2013 12:39AM

    Very clever! Love them.

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NAYPOOIE 1/30/2013 11:33PM

    I love puns.

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KARRENLYNN 1/30/2013 11:33PM

    Very Cool! Thanks for sharing!


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DALID414 1/30/2013 11:20PM


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SONYALATRECE 1/30/2013 10:52PM

    Tried to pick a fav...I love 'em all!

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Feline Physics

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Law of Cat Inertia - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism - All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics - Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching - A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping - All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Refrigerator Observation - If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction - Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking - A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy - All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment - A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Cat Disinterest - A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection - Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition - A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DOVESEYES 1/30/2013 10:33PM

    Love this so true. emoticon

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CARRAND 1/30/2013 7:42PM

    We have two cats - one dark and one yellow. That way, we always have a cat to shed on our clothes, no matter what we are wearing. If the clothes are dark, the yellow cat will shed on them. If the clothes are light colored, the dark cat takes over the shedding duties.

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DALID414 1/30/2013 1:49PM

    I must have been a cat in a past life!

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NAYPOOIE 1/30/2013 11:11AM

    I see you've known cats.

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CINDYSDAY 1/30/2013 11:04AM


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EVER-HOPEFUL 1/30/2013 9:59AM

    emoticon miawe

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HELEN_BRU 1/30/2013 9:44AM

    Cute emoticon

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Actual Answers From Students On Music Exams

Monday, January 28, 2013

- The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.

- Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.

- Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.

- All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.

- Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.

- Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.

- A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

- Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.

- Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.

- A harp is a nude piano.

- Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing.

- I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.

- My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

- Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.

- Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SARAALINE 1/30/2013 10:49AM

    "Beethoven's Erotica?" That was not covered in any of my music classes.

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CINDYSDAY 1/29/2013 11:44AM


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NAYPOOIE 1/29/2013 11:35AM


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ILOVETOCRUISE 1/29/2013 8:30AM


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KJDINSC 1/29/2013 8:28AM

    Love it!

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TOMSGIRL9 1/29/2013 7:49AM

    emoticon emoticon LMAO

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EVER-HOPEFUL 1/29/2013 4:09AM

    love it espacially the harp being a nude piano,lol.i will have to remember that if i decide to take up the harp again.

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DOVESEYES 1/29/2013 2:32AM

    hilarious thanks most welcome interlude.Pun intended.

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DALID414 1/28/2013 11:35PM

    emoticon Acapulco emoticon

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TIMOTHYNOHE 1/28/2013 11:07PM

    Yo yo yo Rap City in Blue. And Bach had an old spnster in the attic.

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