SUNSHINE65   61,039
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An American in England

Sunday, January 13, 2013

An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator. The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted. "You must mean the lift," he said.
"No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator."
"Well," the portiere answered, "over here we call them lifts".
"Now you listen", the American said rather irritated, "someone in America invented the elevator."
"Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but someone here in England invented the language."

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DOVESEYES 1/13/2013 6:55PM

    yes!!! emoticon

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CARRAND 1/13/2013 6:08PM

    Great!

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CINDYSDAY 1/13/2013 5:52PM

    lol


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DALID414 1/13/2013 2:15PM

    emoticon

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ALICERIEGER 1/13/2013 1:11PM

    Good response

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GARDENCHRIS 1/13/2013 12:50PM

    emoticon

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HELEN_BRU 1/13/2013 9:54AM

    Love it!

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MARYJOANNA 1/13/2013 5:30AM

  Touche!!

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Foreign Language

Sunday, January 13, 2013

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them.

The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARRAND 1/13/2013 6:09PM

    So funny.

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DALID414 1/13/2013 2:14PM

    emoticon

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ALICERIEGER 1/13/2013 1:12PM

    Love it

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NCSUE0514 1/13/2013 4:54AM

    Cute!

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If it's fair for them it's fair for you!

Friday, January 11, 2013

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

2ABBYNORMAL 1/13/2013 12:43AM

    That is a great idea.
Aren't legislators part of the group giving themselves raises?
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BARCLE 1/11/2013 6:42PM

    emoticon

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DALID414 1/11/2013 5:03PM

    I'm in on that

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ALICERIEGER 1/11/2013 3:22PM

    Perfect plan!

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CAT-IN-CJ 1/11/2013 2:00PM

    oh, great idea!

and I read a post yesterday that they're suggesting teachers
receive firearms training so they can defend their classrooms!!!!!!!??????

so, I guess that would be 4 R's
reading, riting, rithmetic, and riot ? ? ? ?
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AANGEL3 1/11/2013 12:13PM

    emoticon

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CARRAND 1/11/2013 11:56AM

    Good idea.

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MIDCOASTMOXIE 1/11/2013 11:26AM

    emoticon

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CINDYSDAY 1/11/2013 10:51AM

    emoticon

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MISSDAISY23 1/11/2013 9:38AM

    emoticon

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HELEN_BRU 1/11/2013 9:04AM

    emoticon

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MRE1956 1/11/2013 7:34AM

    There ya go!

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DOVESEYES 1/11/2013 6:54AM

    Now you are talking and since when did a good teacher need to be evaluated. We never forget them. emoticon

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EVER-HOPEFUL 1/11/2013 3:42AM

    hear,hear emoticon

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BIGDOG18 1/11/2013 3:18AM

  emoticon

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Jury Duty...

Friday, January 11, 2013

I have read thes several times before but they always tickle my funny bone!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
____________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
_________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_____________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
___________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
___________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
___________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
__________________________
And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

------------------------------

And that my friends is a good example why, most politicians in our government and courts are lawyers and our nation is so screwed up.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

2ABBYNORMAL 1/13/2013 12:41AM

    These are great. Stupid lawyers charging tons of money.
I need to get that book.
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DALID414 1/11/2013 5:07PM

    emoticon

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ALICERIEGER 1/11/2013 3:26PM

    That explains a lot.

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CARRAND 1/11/2013 11:55AM

    Cute!

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CINDYSDAY 1/11/2013 10:52AM

    emoticon

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MISSDAISY23 1/11/2013 9:43AM

    emoticon

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MRE1956 1/11/2013 7:34AM

    emoticon

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DOVESEYES 1/11/2013 6:56AM

    ha ha scream emoticon

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WAY2GOCAT 1/11/2013 2:54AM

    That was GREAT! emoticon emoticon

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THESUBY 1/11/2013 2:47AM

    Love it! Thanks for posting!

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$1,000 Bet

Friday, January 11, 2013

A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."

The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"

The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."

emoticon

  
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DALID414 1/11/2013 5:02PM

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MISSDAISY23 1/11/2013 9:44AM

    emoticon

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DOVESEYES 1/11/2013 6:55AM

    lol

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SUSANBEAMON 1/11/2013 2:25AM

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