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Jury Duty...

Friday, January 11, 2013

I have read thes several times before but they always tickle my funny bone!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
____________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
_________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_____________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
___________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
___________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
___________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
__________________________
And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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And that my friends is a good example why, most politicians in our government and courts are lawyers and our nation is so screwed up.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

2ABBYNORMAL 1/13/2013 12:41AM

    These are great. Stupid lawyers charging tons of money.
I need to get that book.
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DALID414 1/11/2013 5:07PM

    emoticon

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ALICERIEGER 1/11/2013 3:26PM

    That explains a lot.

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CARRAND 1/11/2013 11:55AM

    Cute!

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CINDYSDAY 1/11/2013 10:52AM

    emoticon

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MISSDAISY23 1/11/2013 9:43AM

    emoticon

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MRE1956 1/11/2013 7:34AM

    emoticon

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DOVESEYES 1/11/2013 6:56AM

    ha ha scream emoticon

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THRIVE2DAY 1/11/2013 2:54AM

    That was GREAT! emoticon emoticon

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THESUBY 1/11/2013 2:47AM

    Love it! Thanks for posting!

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$1,000 Bet

Friday, January 11, 2013

A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."

The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"

The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DALID414 1/11/2013 5:02PM

    emoticon

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MISSDAISY23 1/11/2013 9:44AM

    emoticon

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DOVESEYES 1/11/2013 6:55AM

    lol

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SUSANBEAMON 1/11/2013 2:25AM

  emoticon

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Newly Issued Alcohol Warnings

Thursday, January 10, 2013

The American Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MRE1956 1/11/2013 7:35AM

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MISSDAISY23 1/10/2013 2:38PM

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GARDENCHRIS 1/10/2013 10:58AM

    emoticon

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MRSVK11 1/10/2013 10:28AM

    emoticon I love number 7 emoticon

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DALID414 1/10/2013 9:29AM

    emoticon I'd drink to that emoticon

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JUDITHANNIE 1/10/2013 7:11AM

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DOVESEYES 1/10/2013 5:54AM

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ANDYLIN90 1/10/2013 2:13AM

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SPSPSP1 1/10/2013 1:29AM

    heheheh

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MCAFEE34 1/10/2013 1:17AM

  Great!!!

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Saudi women can now drive...about time!

Thursday, January 10, 2013

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MRE1956 1/11/2013 7:36AM

    Oh, my......

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GARDENCHRIS 1/10/2013 3:26PM

    that is just bad! LOL

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TRAVELGRRL 1/10/2013 10:01AM

    Cute!

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ZANNBEE 1/10/2013 9:39AM

    haha

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CINDYSDAY 1/10/2013 9:29AM

    emoticon

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EVER-HOPEFUL 1/10/2013 2:11AM

    emoticon

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2ABBYNORMAL 1/10/2013 12:48AM

    This wasn't what I expected either.
Cute.
I can't help but wonder how any Saudi woman can liver there. Such a sad state of affairs there.
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KATIBUG49 1/10/2013 12:23AM

    Funny!

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DALID414 1/10/2013 12:20AM

    emoticon so not what I was expecting!

Comment edited on: 1/10/2013 12:21:09 AM

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BARCLE 1/10/2013 12:19AM

    lol - that's classic

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Why do men die first?

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know...

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race... you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework... you're a pansy.

If you work too hard... there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough... you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay... this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her... that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you... it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks... it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet... it's male indifference.

If you cry ... you're a wimp.
If you don't... you're insensitive.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear...you're a pervert.
If you don't... you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape...you're sexist.
If you don't ... you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape... you're vain.
If you don't... you're a slob.

If she has a headache... she's tired.
If you have a headache... you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often... you're oversexed.
If you don't... there must be someone else.

Bottom Line... Men die first because they want to.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CINDYSDAY 1/9/2013 10:45AM

    LOL

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BARCLE 1/9/2013 1:30AM

    emoticon

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DOVESEYES 1/9/2013 1:26AM

    LOL hey we aren't that bad are we... but they are that bad...lol
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PROVERBS31JULIA 1/8/2013 10:11PM

    No joking Russell38 - in my family us girls learned how to change the oil and filter. And my brothers learned how to cook and do laundry... So when I got married, my husbsnd had always wanted to learn to cook, especially as he realized (to himself) that after he graduated from college, he wanted to get a job far enough away from his parents to try to cut the apron strings. He was a bachelor most of 15 years or so before we married, and had the laundry, house cleaning, and very very rudementary cooking skills (put food in microwave oven, turn it on. Try to stop before the smoke detector goes off.).

When we were pregnant, he took our birthing coach's suggestions to heart and asked me to teach him how to cook!! I did, and he learned about sauté baking roasting steaming frying, about making gravy, making quick breads, baking cakes, chopping of veggies in various size configurations like julienne chop dice cut chunk grate etcetcetc (plus he liked my "Joy of Cooking" and my Illustrated Techniques of Cooking book to fill in the gaps. He really found himself enjoying the "programmable" aspects of cooking - it reminded him of some of the same thinking processes he uses in his career as a computer programmer. Kinda made his mom mad that I taught him to cook, but in the end, she was blessed to be able to enjoy her son cooking meals for her in her last few years of life.

So yea... I believe it's to the guys' advantage to learn as much as they can about the "wifey" types of skills... It's easier to work together as a team, it prolongs life for both spouses... It's just good!!


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DIANE7786 1/8/2013 9:40PM

    Very funny because it's true. I'm glad I'm a woman!

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RUSSELL_40 1/8/2013 8:54PM

    If men die first, their spouse can live off his pension ( and theirs ). If women die first, who does all the housework?? lol.

Men are helpless, but it is changing. My Mom taught me to cook, and do laundry. Sewing too, but I find it easier to just buy new clothes. My Dad bitched the whole time, saying " You'll turn them into girls! ". When my Mom died, I had to teach my Dad how to do laundry.

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DALID414 1/8/2013 8:13PM

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