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Be very clear!

Sunday, December 16, 2012

A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 20mph for it to start.

She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off.

I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.

A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 30 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARRAND 12/16/2012 4:54PM

    Ouch!

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MAMALIZ1955 12/16/2012 2:28PM

    Wonderful!


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FELINA 12/16/2012 10:25AM

    emoticon
Good one !
emoticon

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SUSANBEAMON 12/16/2012 12:58AM

  why it is so important to be very clear. love it

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DALID414 12/16/2012 12:23AM

    Uh-oh!

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LYNMEINDERS 12/16/2012 12:07AM

    Hahaha...thats awesome....sorry I love it

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A Woman's Random Thoughts

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free... You either married it or gave birth to it.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch... do it and die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health... when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

2ABBYNORMAL 12/12/2012 11:02PM

    That first paragraph is a fact.
emoticon

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CARRAND 12/11/2012 8:14PM

    I love it! Thanks for a good laugh.

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MARYJEANSL 12/11/2012 7:09PM

  Thanks for the laughs!

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ALICERIEGER 12/11/2012 2:28PM

    More good thoughts

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3016DEBRA 12/11/2012 2:25PM

  I've had some of those thought s myself! emoticon

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DALID414 12/11/2012 11:18AM

    emoticon 2lb box of chocolate should NOT equal 5lb weight gain lol

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GARDENCHRIS 12/11/2012 7:28AM

    they are so true!

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DOVESEYES 12/11/2012 6:52AM

    Love it

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STRONG_SARAH 12/11/2012 6:08AM

    Ha ha ha......omg, what's sad is that these are all true!

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MIRFA71 12/11/2012 5:15AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Going On The Wagon

Monday, December 10, 2012

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife that I had a drinking problem, and to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALICERIEGER 12/12/2012 10:52AM

    I can see how that would happen

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CARRAND 12/11/2012 8:16PM

    Funny!

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DARLY55 12/11/2012 7:42AM

    OMG that is the funniest thing I have read in a long time! emoticon
Thanks!

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JTREMBATH 12/11/2012 1:15AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PAMNANGEL 12/11/2012 1:06AM

    emoticon

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BARCLE 12/10/2012 11:24PM

    emoticon that's too good not to share emoticon

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DALID414 12/10/2012 11:14PM

    emoticon emoticon TOO FUNNY!!
The sad part is, I know EXACTLY what he was saying! emoticon

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SLIMINDOWN31 12/10/2012 11:09PM

    ?

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Child Rearing FAQ

Sunday, December 09, 2012

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TWOHUNERDPLUS 1/26/2014 6:03PM

  funny and I had 6 kids, and do it over IF I had too. They are ALL GREAT KIDS.

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ALICERIEGER 12/11/2012 2:30PM

    Thanks again

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DOVESEYES 12/10/2012 3:22AM

    So right emoticon emoticon

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ALIHIKES 12/10/2012 1:43AM

    Very funny! emoticon

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BARCLE 12/10/2012 12:00AM

    Loved these emoticon

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DALID414 12/9/2012 11:27PM

    emoticon

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GRANDMABABA 12/9/2012 10:15PM

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Visiting The Big Apple

Saturday, December 08, 2012

In '88 we had to go to The Big Apple for an exit interview after an overseas contract. Our way was paid: 6 days 5 nights, airfare. Only had to meetings and a Dr's appt on the schedule. Unfortunately DH fell into a pothole (do they decorate those things for Xmas?) while gawking at the UN flags we saw heading to an appt. The rest of the trip he was holed up in the hotel nursing his sprained ankle. Anyway there was a deli on the corner of the block and I went there morning and evening to bring a meal up to the room. God! I love those delis! Nothing like that except in the big grocery stores here in Oregon. Before his pothole incident, we did get to a pizza place...nothing like that out west! And we did do a boat tour around Manhattan. And we did go up to the first tier of Lady Liberty. And we did take a daylight carriage ride in Central Park. For the rest of the time I toured around on foot...saw St Patricks, Saks, stuff like that that was nearby. The last night I went to the deli, the guy greeted me like I was a new yorker (I was wearing tropical clothes! while everyone in NYC wears black and white and gray and tan!). It was so sweet! Felt good. Like Fran the Nanny getting accepted in upper Manhattan. Despite my Oregon accent!

Man, I wish you could order Chinese delivered in Gresham!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DIET_FRIEND 12/9/2012 10:47PM

    I haven't been to New York in a long time. I lived in Atlanta for many years and one of things I liked about a big city is the great restaurants. I love ethnic cuisine of all kinds. Hubby and i went to Atlanta last weekend and had some great pizza slices, Thai and sushi. We eat sushi here in town now and then, but that sushi in Atlanta was really great! The slices weren't the greatest ever made, but the gritty ambience is not to be had in my current little town.

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ALWAYSLOWFAT 12/9/2012 9:20PM

   
doves eyes - you are making me relive my life growing up in NYC. hope you went on the tour bus stopping at all special attractions. you can get off and on again at any stops you want. i was surprised to learn that there was an American Indian museum. very interesting.

also there is one in Brooklyn - if you visit NY again check them out.

JO alwayslowfat emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DOVESEYES 12/9/2012 7:21PM

    Sounds like a lovely time...thansk for letting me share it emoticon

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CARRAND 12/9/2012 2:43PM

    What a great trip, in spite of the sprained ankle. You look wonderful in the Hawaiian shirt!

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