Going On The Wagon

Monday, December 10, 2012

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife that I had a drinking problem, and to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALICERIEGER 12/12/2012 10:52AM

I can see how that would happen Report Inappropriate Comment

CMRAND54 12/11/2012 8:16PM

Funny! Report Inappropriate Comment

DARLY55 12/11/2012 7:42AM

OMG that is the funniest thing I have read in a long time! Thanks! Report Inappropriate Comment

JTREMBATH 12/11/2012 1:15AM

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PAMNANGEL 12/11/2012 1:06AM

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BARCLE 12/10/2012 11:24PM

that's too good not to share Report Inappropriate Comment

DALID414 12/10/2012 11:14PM

TOO FUNNY!! The sad part is, I know EXACTLY what he was saying! Report Inappropriate Comment

SLIMINDOWN31 12/10/2012 11:09PM

? Report Inappropriate Comment

Child Rearing FAQ

Sunday, December 09, 2012

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALICERIEGER 12/11/2012 2:30PM

Thanks again Report Inappropriate Comment

DOVESEYES 12/10/2012 3:22AM

So right Report Inappropriate Comment

ALIHIKES 12/10/2012 1:43AM

Very funny! Report Inappropriate Comment

BARCLE 12/10/2012 12:00AM

Loved these Report Inappropriate Comment

DALID414 12/9/2012 11:27PM

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GRANDMABABA 12/9/2012 10:15PM

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Visiting The Big Apple

Saturday, December 08, 2012

In '88 we had to go to The Big Apple for an exit interview after an overseas contract. Our way was paid: 6 days 5 nights, airfare. Only had to meetings and a Dr's appt on the schedule. Unfortunately DH fell into a pothole (do they decorate those things for Xmas?) while gawking at the UN flags we saw heading to an appt. The rest of the trip he was holed up in the hotel nursing his sprained ankle. Anyway there was a deli on the corner of the block and I went there morning and evening to bring a meal up to the room. God! I love those delis! Nothing like that except in the big grocery stores here in Oregon. Before his pothole incident, we did get to a pizza place...nothing like that out west! And we did do a boat tour around Manhattan. And we did go up to the first tier of Lady Liberty. And we did take a daylight carriage ride in Central Park. For the rest of the time I toured around on foot...saw St Patricks, Saks, stuff like that that was nearby. The last night I went to the deli, the guy greeted me like I was a new yorker (I was wearing tropical clothes! while everyone in NYC wears black and white and gray and tan!). It was so sweet! Felt good. Like Fran the Nanny getting accepted in upper Manhattan. Despite my Oregon accent!

Man, I wish you could order Chinese delivered in Gresham!

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DIET_FRIEND 12/9/2012 10:47PM

I haven't been to New York in a long time. I lived in Atlanta for many years and one of things I liked about a big city is the great restaurants. I love ethnic cuisine of all kinds. Hubby and i went to Atlanta last weekend and had some great pizza slices, Thai and sushi. We eat sushi here in town now and then, but that sushi in Atlanta was really great! The slices weren't the greatest ever made, but the gritty ambience is not to be had in my current little town. Report Inappropriate Comment

ALWAYSLOWFAT 12/9/2012 9:20PM

doves eyes - you are making me relive my life growing up in NYC. hope you went on the tour bus stopping at all special attractions. you can get off and on again at any stops you want. i was surprised to learn that there was an American Indian museum. very interesting. also there is one in Brooklyn - if you visit NY again check them out. JO alwayslowfat Report Inappropriate Comment

DOVESEYES 12/9/2012 7:21PM

Sounds like a lovely time...thansk for letting me share it Report Inappropriate Comment

CMRAND54 12/9/2012 2:43PM

What a great trip, in spite of the sprained ankle. You look wonderful in the Hawaiian shirt! Report Inappropriate Comment

Live in NY?

Friday, December 07, 2012

You Know You're From New York When...

You're 35 years old and don't have a driver's license.

You ride in a subway car with no air conditioning just because there are seats available.

You take the train home and you know exactly where on the platform the doors will open that will leave you right in front of the exit stairway.

You know what a "regular" coffee is.

It's not Manhattan...... It's the "city".

There is no north and south. It's "uptown" or "downtown." If you're really from New York you have absolutely no concept of where north and south are.... And east or west is "crosstown."

You cross the street anywhere but on the corners and you yell at cars for not respecting your right to do it.

You move 3,000 miles away, spend 10 years learning the local language and people still know you're from Brooklyn the minute you open your mouth.

You return after 10 years and the first foods you want are a "real" pizza and a "real" bagel.

A 500 square foot apartment is large.

You know the differences between all the different Ray's pizzas.

You are not under the mistaken impression that any human being would be able to actually understand a p.a. Announcement on the subway.

You wouldn't bother ordering pizza in any other city.

You get ready to order dinner every night and must choose from the major food groups which are: Chinese, Italian, Mexican or Indian.

You're not the least bit interested in going to Times Square on New Year's eve.

Your internal clock is permanently set to know when alternate side of the street parking regulations are in effect.

Someone bumps into you, and you check for your wallet.

You don't even notice the lady walking down the road having a perfectly normal conversation with herself.

You pay "only" $230 a month to park your car.

The presidential visit is a major traffic jam, not an honor.

You can nap on the subway and never miss your stop.

The deli guy gives you a straw with any beverage you buy, even if it's a beer.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DALID414 12/8/2012 10:35PM

So THAT explains it! My boyfriend is from New York!! (For the record: he's never been there.) Report Inappropriate Comment

NAYPOOIE 12/8/2012 1:01AM

weird world. Report Inappropriate Comment

2ABBYNORMAL 12/8/2012 12:33AM

I loved this. I imagined it would be exactly this way, I think, from the Seinfold episodes. I wish I could go to New York at least once for a week. Report Inappropriate Comment

ALWAYSLOWFAT 12/7/2012 11:41PM

I am a New Yorker, born and bred. lived in many States in the US and none could compare to NY. i miss NY bagels, pizza, any kind of bread or rolls. etc. however, i don't miss the subway during rush hour. Report Inappropriate Comment

ALIHIKES 12/7/2012 10:42PM

Very funny! Report Inappropriate Comment

GLC2009 12/7/2012 6:22PM

i went to new york on vacation once. that was enough for me. Report Inappropriate Comment

CMRAND54 12/7/2012 3:27PM

Love it. I could totally live in NYC. Report Inappropriate Comment

3016DEBRA 12/7/2012 12:53PM

I've only been there once as a kid but I'd love to see it again as an adult...maybe THAT'S what I want for Christmas... Have yourself a great weekend! Report Inappropriate Comment

DIET_FRIEND 12/7/2012 10:57AM

I like visiting, but wouldn't want to live there. Report Inappropriate Comment

GARDENCHRIS 12/7/2012 7:05AM

funny.. Report Inappropriate Comment

FITANDFIFTY2 12/7/2012 2:10AM

Living in Washington state, I never would have thought of how it would be to live in New York! Thanks for the info!! Report Inappropriate Comment

GETDONE 12/7/2012 1:54AM

FUNNY--my grandaughter lives in NY loves it. I live in Sac Report Inappropriate Comment

Duh

Thursday, December 06, 2012

After browsing the restaurant menu, I had a question for the waitress. "About the salmon entree, is that a steak or a fillet?"

"Neither," she said. "It's a fish."

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NAYPOOIE 12/8/2012 3:33PM

LOL Report Inappropriate Comment

CMRAND54 12/7/2012 3:33PM

Funny! Report Inappropriate Comment

FENWAYGIRL18 12/7/2012 1:11AM

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DOVESEYES 12/7/2012 12:25AM

ha ha lol Report Inappropriate Comment

2ABBYNORMAL 12/6/2012 10:57PM

Very funny! Report Inappropriate Comment

DALID414 12/6/2012 10:21PM

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