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The Bible According to Kids

Friday, September 21, 2012

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.)

- In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

- Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears.

- Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

- The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

- Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

- Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

- Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

- Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten commendments.

- The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

- The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery".

- Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

- Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

- David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

- Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

- When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

- Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager.

- Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption.

- St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

- Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one to you.

- He also explained that "Man does not live by sweat alone".

- It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

- The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibles.

- The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

- One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

- St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

- A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALICERIEGER 9/23/2012 1:10PM


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SPARKLE1908 9/21/2012 1:40PM

    These are too funny...LOL.... emoticon

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MISSDAISY23 9/21/2012 9:53AM


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Horseback mishap

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

An Antartian decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the Antartian begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when...Stan the Walmart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NAYPOOIE 9/20/2012 4:21PM

    So Antarians are blonde. Learn something every day.

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REXTINE1 9/19/2012 3:15PM

    emoticon Good one.

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MYLADY4 9/19/2012 1:10PM

    TOO FUNNY emoticon

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COACHPENNY 9/19/2012 12:32PM

    She should have taken mechanical riding lessons.

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ALICERIEGER 9/19/2012 12:19PM


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HOUNDLOVER1 9/19/2012 11:51AM

    Ouch! emoticon

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123ELAINE456 9/18/2012 11:50PM

  Not good at all. God Bless You and Have a Wonderful Week.

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MISSDAISY23 9/18/2012 10:49PM


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GLC2009 9/18/2012 9:05PM

    very cute. LOL... emoticon

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Woo Hoo!

Monday, September 17, 2012

Been kind of slow about blogging....sick for a week...bummer. But I came upon this a few minutes ago:

"A new poll claims that 58 percent of Americans believe Barack Obama would beat Mitt Romney in a fistfight. I didn't realize that was an option. Maybe we can wrap this election up tonight. Make it a pay-per-view event. We could wipe out the national debt in one night." -Jimmy Kimmel

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NEWKATHYNOW 9/20/2012 8:15PM


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ALICERIEGER 9/19/2012 12:21PM

    You never know!

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COACHPENNY 9/18/2012 4:49PM

    How about a one on one basketball game.... or BOWLING LOL!

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RUSSELL_40 9/18/2012 10:28AM

    After he beat him in a fistfight, he could hold him down, and shave his hair.

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SANDYW1945 9/18/2012 6:41AM

    emoticon That would take care of it.

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WILSON425 9/17/2012 9:21PM

    Good idea! Tell Obama to be sure and eat his wheaties!

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CMRAND54 9/17/2012 9:21PM

    Love it!

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MISSDAISY23 9/17/2012 8:19PM

    emoticon it! emoticon

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1CRAZYDOG 9/17/2012 8:19PM

    Glad you're feeling better.

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DIET_FRIEND 9/17/2012 7:42PM

    Jesse Ventura says we should vote for 3rd party candidates on The View today. Hmmmm...probably still voting for Obama, but I wish there were other parties with the power to give these two some competition.

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REXTINE1 9/17/2012 6:38PM

    Back to the middle ages - trial by combat! It should be debated!

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SPARKLE1908 9/17/2012 6:34PM

    Love it....LOL

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WILSON1926 9/17/2012 5:39PM


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Gain weight in the shower?

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Read this blog on a maintainer's [NELLJONES] page:

"I was telling my son, the Registered Dietician, about how much my weight bounces every day. I'm at maintenance so not trying to lose, yet my weight just pops around. He told me to weigh myself before and after a shower. I gained .6 pounds just from the shower and body lotion! That is how much water my skin absorbed in just a few minutes. And, of course, it came off by morning. I know I swell in humid weather, but who knew from a shower??"

I know I hate to weigh at the Dr's. It's always fully dressed, after a shower and breakfast. Sometimes after lunch too. You can't win. Last weigh in at the Doc's was 215a week later, before my shower with only a few sips of coffee in me, it was 206. So the clothes can't weigh 9 pounds can they? Must be the shower!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

COACHPENNY 9/19/2012 12:33PM

    I teach water aerobics....damn.....I knew I was holding fluid.

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ROSALIEESTHER 9/17/2012 4:10AM

    That's interesting! To me it just points out again how the scale its not the most useful of measurements.

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LYNNRODRIGUEZ 9/16/2012 11:24PM


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MISSDAISY23 9/16/2012 7:18PM

    I didn't know that you can gain weight in the shower. Interesting indeed! emoticon

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REXTINE1 9/16/2012 1:50PM

    That's news to me. I knew that drinking a lot put temporary weight on you, but just showering is new (strange) news.

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AQUAGIRL08 9/16/2012 11:39AM

    I swim several hours per day. I wonder how much water I absorb every day!

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ALICERIEGER 9/16/2012 11:09AM

    Almost makes you want to give up showering! LOL

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123ELAINE456 9/16/2012 5:50AM

  Thank You for posting this on your blog. This is very interesting. God Bless you and Have a Wonderful Week.

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CCHEF1 9/16/2012 2:04AM

    Thanks for posting this in your blog. I think it is true. I think one's hair weighs more wet and so I don't wash my long hair just before weighing.

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EWL978 9/15/2012 11:11PM

    I"ve heard of "heavy water".....must be so!! (rofl)


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DIET_FRIEND 9/15/2012 10:32PM

    That's an interesting phenomenon!

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JTREMBATH 9/15/2012 9:15PM

    I have never weighed myself after a shower so will do next time I have a shower.

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1CRAZYDOG 9/15/2012 8:57PM

    Holy water retention! That's unbelievable!

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HELEN_BRU 9/15/2012 8:35PM

    Interesting! emoticon

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KNEWMETODAY 9/15/2012 8:17PM

    Who would think it would fluctuate that much? Come to think of it, I always shower before I go to the doctor, but I probably won't quit doing that.


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CMRAND54 9/15/2012 8:12PM

    I'll keep this in mind!

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BUBBLEJ1 9/15/2012 7:55PM

    I used to have very long hair, and it is very, very thick. That held heaps of water!

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BARCLE 9/15/2012 7:19PM

    Interesting emoticon

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LADYJAKE1 9/15/2012 7:12PM

    Interesting...I never knew that could happen....kinda funny

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CHANGING-TURTLE 9/15/2012 7:09PM

    emoticon I throw my scale away, i use other thing to keep track of how I am doing, like that i went from a size 20 to a 12

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DIETER27 9/15/2012 6:50PM

  Body weight can fluctuate at times. Keep up the good work emoticon emoticon

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Why Are Republicans So Mean?

Friday, September 14, 2012

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

COACHPENNY 9/17/2012 4:21PM

    Russell, you make great points.

I think Republicans should be ashamed of themselves BUT, they are pretty much shameless in regards to the great lengths they have gone to obstruct the country's recovery....for the sole purpose of making President Obama look bad.

How far will they go in order to put the two rich white Ken dolls in office?

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CAROLLEE57 9/17/2012 7:42AM

    Thank God I live in Vermont, even the Republics are Democrats here emoticon

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IDLETYME 9/15/2012 8:50AM

    I'm a Republican and I don't ever remember anyone telling me I was mean!!
I hope you have a wonderful day!

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DIET_FRIEND 9/14/2012 10:52PM

    I live in a very red state and I know very few people who DON'T vote republican. It amazes me that so many poor and working class people would vote that way, but maybe it's racism. Also, thanks to the ultra-conservatives like TEA Partiers, a lot of people think of the republicans as the party of God. I for one don't think Jesus would be a republican. There was a time when I could support the republicans, but now they are so obviously a party for the rich that I can't. I think it would be nice if other parties would emerge to reflect our true diversity as a nation.

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RUSSELL_40 9/14/2012 10:42PM

    Republicans are the people who want to control other people. Through war, or Congress, they have very set ideas, and are positive God wants them to do it their way. How dare anyone else have a plan! It angers tem, and that is why they are so mean.

They explained very patiently, that abortion is murder. So if you don't quit, they think it is okay to kill you, if you are a doctor, and submit you to a multitude of unnecessary tests, and propoganda , if you are a woman, seeking one. Why cant you just do what they say? You make them so angry. They don't want to hurt you, but you make them do it!

If I had to sum up the average Republican politician, it would be akin to the man who beats his wife on the weekend, but loves her M-F. The week does not make us forget the weekend. We remember the hate and bigotry. I do not think the average Republican is as far to the right as their electeds, but I can't figure out why they keep voting in people even more intolerable. At a certain point, moderate Republicans need to say enough, and take back their party.

Now we see that the Republicans are weak on foreign policy, and job creation, so Romney is floundering. They tell us that this is not true, but the evidence is before us. His overreaction to Lybia, and Egypt attacks, shows he is a petulant child who just knows he deserves to be President.

Basically, what has them so angry this time though, is that someone who thinks of himself as a huge success, is running against a black man, and is stunned that America likes Barack Obama.. did I mention his middle name is Hussein, and he was taught at a "madrasa" ( shudders ). They expected to just win easily, and they look foolish, and that makes them angry, and mean. Maybe next time, embrace the moderates of your party, insteand of the wackadoodles, and we can have a serious debate, about jobs, defense, Medicare, and Social Security spending.

Health Care is another one that really bothers them. If poor people get help from the Democrats, like they recieved in the 1940's, after our last Great Depression, we might see another 30 year span of people only voting for one party. Right now, a lot of poor people vote Republican, because the Democrats haven't done a whole lot that they can point to, and say " The Dems did that for me! ". The 1960's gave us civil rights, Medicare/Medicaid. Recently Obama doubled the Pell grants, and made it easier to pay off loans, but bexides making more jobs ( thanks Clinton ), not much to tell them they should vote Democratic. Now they can get health care, and once that is official in 2014, the Democrats will be the party that gave them college, and health care,

If that happens, why would anyone vote Republican? Jobs are being created, you can go to college to get a better one, through Pell grants, or even paying it off over 20 years now, if you take out loans, so you aren't bankrupted by your attempt to prove your life. Health care will keep you alive to enjoy this experience, and I believe will prove to be cheaper, and better than regular health care. I was on Medicare for a few years, when I was first diagnosed with CHF, and loved it. My doctors spent a lot more time with me, than when I had insurance at a factory, and they just got me out of their in 5 minutes. Reason is, the govt health care has requirements. Your doctor works with you, and see themselves as part of your health mgmt. team, instead of looking at you as a client. Having been in both systems, I would say Govt. health care is vastly superior ( excluding VA ), and when people experience it, they will be happy.

This will cause the Republicans to become a fringe party, and that makes them angry, and mean. Teabaggers will decimate the GOP, and Americans will see that voting Democratic is in their best interest. Then the Democrats just need to keep being the public servants we know they can be, and earn that control.

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SUNSHINE65 9/14/2012 9:48PM

    you are all sooo right!

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CMRAND54 9/14/2012 9:27PM

    The Republicans are not interested in creating jobs. Their sole purpose is to keep Obama from being reelected, even if they have to destroy the economy to accomplish that objective.

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WOUBBIE 9/14/2012 7:14PM

    Seriously, the GOP is no longer Grand, the situation's getting Old, and I think the Party's nearly over for them. We can't afford to have a radical political party gumming up the works, when most Americans are somewhere in the "moderate" camp. The remainder of the intelligent right needs to regroup and dethrone these extremists for good. Marginalize them as they should be - a fringe group.

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ROSALIEESTHER 9/14/2012 6:51PM

    Not only are these facts true, just think how many more jobs Americans would have if the Republicans had voted for Obama's job creating programs. Economists estimate that unemployment would be at 5% if they had passed those laws!

I for one am not grateful that all they've cared about was getting rid of Obama.

I think he is the best president we've had in years and years and the most intelligent and brave and compassionate. Enough with the haters.

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1CRAZYDOG 9/14/2012 6:02PM

    Statistics don't lie!

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BUSYGRANNY5 9/14/2012 5:36PM

    Hmmm..... that's all....hmmmmm....

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