Thursday, December 25, 2014
My parents were kind of over protective people. Me and my sister had to play in the backyard all the time. They bought us bikes for Christmas but wouldn't let us ride in the street, we had to ride in the backyard. Another Christmas, my dad got me a basketball hoop and put it in the middle of the lawn! You can't dribble on grass. -Jimmy Fallon
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. -Johnny Carson
Yeah, I started when I was 6 years old. My brother and sister would get all of these presents at Christmas time from the cast and crew of their show and I was jealous. So I decided that I had to become an actor. -Sara Gilbert
I'm going to North Pole to help out Santa this year. -Jimmy Fallon
We're having our office Christmas party tonight. Just like last year, I'm going to get drunk, make a fool of myself, and then go to the office Christmas party. -Conan O'Brien
The White House hosted its annual Hanukkah party and everything was going great until Biden tugged on a rabbi's beard and said, 'You're not Santa.' -Jimmy Fallon
Ninety-nine percent of the eggnog purchased all year is purchased during the week before Christmas. And 99 percent of that eggnog is poured down the drain during the week after Christmas. -Jimmy Kimmel
As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. "No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.
"You can't do that," argued my four-year-old.
"Don't worry. Santa will never know."
He shot me a look. "So he knows if I've been bad or good, but he doesn't know if you dropped a cookie on the floor?" -Four-Year-Old
Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? (The other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. Don't EVEN think of going there!) So I now present for you....
Things NOT To Say When Hanging Christmas Lights
--"You've got two red lights right next to each other. You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue..."
--"Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."
--"What on earth do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knots?"
--"Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry that sucker."
--"If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father."
--"Give me that!!"
--"You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."
--"I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done!"
--"You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a spiral this year?"
--"Have you been drinking?!!?"
--"Okaaay! Looks like we're *finally* done here now. Not too shabby huh? Hey....wait a minute, where's the cat?"