Sunday, August 24, 2014
The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex.
The personnel office sent this reply...
"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."
A man entered a bank with a rather large dog on a leash. He asked if it was okay to bring his pet into the building.
The teller said, "Yes, providing he doesn't make a deposit."
Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very, VERY careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags. He always did this with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man when he got to the luggage carousel.
Mr. Smith walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides.
"I believe that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this?" he asked.
"Actually," the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage."
Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man responded, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case,"replied the mugger, "give me my money."
A blonde is taking the driving portion of her driver's license exam.
She handles most of the maneuvers quite well. She has a little trouble parallel parking, however, and winds up a couple of feet from the curb.
"Could you get a little closer?" the examiner asks.
The blonde then unbuckles her seat belt and slides over toward the examiner.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
My mother is a cleaning fanatic. One Saturday she told me and my brother to get down to the playroom and straighten it up. We had a party there the previous evening, and she was none too happy about the mess.
As she watched us work, it was clear that Mom was completely dissatisfied with our cleaning efforts and let us know it. Finally my brother, exasperated with having to do it all over, reached for a broom and asked Mom, "Can I use this, or were you planning to go somewhere?"
Modern medicine has come up with some great new stuff to make life easier ...:
St. Mom's Wort -- Plant extract that treats Mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen -- Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.
Flipitor -- Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics -- When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines and reducing money spent on make-up.
Menicillin -- Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ..."
Buyagra -- Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-one-all -- Caution, when combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
Jack Asspirin -- Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
Anti-talksident -- A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
Ragaman -- When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
Dog Owner: "Every time a bell rings, my dog goes and sits in the corner."
Vet: "That's perfectly normal; he's a boxer."
A mother and father were chatting with their eight-year-old son about his future. The youngster said he'd like to attend Cornell, as his parents and other members of the family had. Pleased with his response, they pressed on. "What would you like to take when you attend college?" they asked the little boy.
After giving it some thought and glancing around the kitchen, he replied, "The refrigerator, if you can get along without it."
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but got no response.
After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check. The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well.
"How old are you?"
The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?"
Immediately four tiny fingers went up.
"Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?"
Four little fingers went up once again.
Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked, "Can you talk?"
The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, "Can you count?!"
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants.
The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"
To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband's complaint that he leads a dog's life is probably well founded.
"He comes in the house with muddy feet," she said, "tracks across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food and makes himself comfortable on my best furniture."
Blue 56: A man goes to the doctor to find out about his tests. "It's real bad, I'm afraid", says the doc "you've got a disease so new that it hasn't even got a name yet - we just call it 'Blue 56'. The only certain thing is that you'll be dead in three days"
Naturally the guy is devastated, and goes into a big depression. His girlfriend suggests they go to Vegas to cheer him up just a bit till the end comes. So he goes reluctantly. As he walks into the Casino, he's the millionth customer and wins a brand new Rolls Royce. Then he pulls the handle of a slot machine as he passes, and wins the golden jackpot of $7m. He sits down for a rest at the Blackjack table and wins $100,000 - straight 21's and he can't even be bothered to turn the cards. Weighed down with money, he throws it onto the nearest table. But it's the roulette wheel and the money is on 22 - which promptly comes up!
"Jeez," says the croupier, "I never seen luck like that in my whole life!"
"No, you don't understand" says the guy "I've got blue 56"
"Woahhhh! Now you've won the raffle!!"
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
Your Overwhelmed Owner
In 1997, Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch (M-LAW) began a contest to expose how frivolous lawsuits, and a concern about potential frivolous lawsuits, have led to a new cultural phenomenon: the wacky warning label.
You have probably heard about the lawsuit over a spilled cup of coffee. However, there are many other silly lawsuits involving products that have received far less attention. For example, did you know a man received $50,000 when he sued a small company that makes basketball nets because he claimed the company was responsible when he caught his teeth in a net while dunking a ball? People who make products hear about these outrageous lawsuits, and they often decide to slap common sense warnings on their product... "just in case."
Over the years, M-LAW has received hundreds of warning labels from people around the world. M-LAW verifies the authenticity of each label and selects the "Top 5" for each year.
Following is a list of some of the best labels from the first five contests:
A warning on an electric router made for carpenters cautions: "This product not intended for use as a dental drill."
A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user to "Remove child before folding"
A prescription of sleeping pills says, "Warning: May cause drowsiness
A sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan actually warns: "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking."
A massage chair warns: "DO NOT use massage chair without clothing... and, Never force any body part into the backrest area while the rollers are moving."
A snowblower warns: "Do not use snowthrower on roof.˛"
A dishwasher carries this warning: "Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher."
A CD player carries this unusual warning: "Do not use the Ultradisc2000 as a projectile in a catapult."
An "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter cautions, "Do not use near fire, flame or sparks"
A label on a hand-held massager advises consumers not to use "while sleeping or unconscious"
A container of underarm deodorant says, "Caution: Do not spray in eyes"
A cartridge for a laser printer warns, "Do not eat toner"
A household iron warns users: "Never iron clothes while they are being worn"
A label with a hair dryer reads, "Never use hair dryer while sleeping"
A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns: "Not intended for highway use"
A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns, "Do not drive with sunshield in place"
A Bathroom Heater says: "This product is not to be used in bathrooms"
A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users: "May irritate eyes"
A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists says: "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover."
A popular manufactured fireplace log warns: "Caution - Risk of Fire"
A box of birthday cake candles says: "DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Pope Francis is calling on young people to get off the Internet and start doing something productive with their lives. Teens were like, "Uh, how do you think we saw you say that? We watched it on YouTube, dude!" -Jimmy Fallon
A bear was attacking a Russian man, and he was able to repel the attack by playing his Justin Bieber ringtone. The man is OK, and no, the bear is NOT a Belieber. -Conan O'Brien
You know that button on your cable remote that gives you information about what you're watching? I was watching "Crossfire," hit the button, and it said, "Congratulations, you're our first viewer tonight!" -Conan O'Brien
Welcome to those who are visiting LA. We're going to have a good time in beautiful Los Angeles, which has just been named the 16th coolest city in America by Forbes magazine. We finally tied San Jose. -Jimmy Kimmel
Police in Ohio are looking for two women who tried to rob a bakery but left with only two glazed donuts because there was no money in the register. The cops are offering a small reward for information on the women, and a huge reward for info on those doughnuts. -Jimmy Fallon
According to a new survey, 50 percent of people believe that robots will actually create more jobs in the long run. When they heard this, robots said, "Oh, good, they're buying it. They will serve us soon, those fools." -Conan O'Brien
A Russian crime ring has stolen 1.2 billion user names and password combinations. Experts recommend that you change all your passwords just to be safe. I have to say I would almost rather have all my information stolen than to have to change all my passwords. -Jimmy Kimmel
A man in New Zealand whose pregnant girlfriend threw a knife at him so hard that it became lodged in his skull told reporters he was confident their relationship would continue. I guess it's true what they say: Some people never learn because there's a knife lodged in their skull. -Seth Meyers
"Sesame Street" says it may take legal action against people in Times Square who dress up like its characters. Seriously? Look at the people they’d be suing. What do they expect to win in the lawsuit? A flask of whiskey and an IOU to a bookie? -Jimmy Fallon
"Orange Is the New Black" has helped usher in a new TV trend called "binge watching." Binge watching blends nicely with another trend in America — unemployment. -Conan O'Brien
ABC premiered a new show tonight called "Bachelor in Paradise." I'm glad they're finally doing a bachelor show in paradise. Normally they do them in Third-World countries and industrial parks. -Jimmy Kimmel
The owner of a prominent paparazzi agency is saying he won't use drones to take pictures of celebrities because he has too much respect for them. And by "them" he means the drones. -Seth Meyers
North Korea has opened a summer camp where kids from around the world can swim, play volleyball, and learn about the country's culture. It's the first camp in history where kids tell ghost stories to feel safer. -
Congress is now getting ready to take a month off. From what? Members of Congress need to recharge their batteries for another year of gridlock. -David Letterman
A woman in Oklahoma called police to complain about the quality of her meth. I'm thinking: How bad could the meth be if it made her high enough to call the cops and complain about it? -Craig Ferguson
Today marks the last day before Congress takes its summer recess. They're taking five weeks off. Five weeks. I hope they can get used to doing nothing. -Seth Meyers
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