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Classic Late Night Funnies

Thursday, December 25, 2014

My parents were kind of over protective people. Me and my sister had to play in the backyard all the time. They bought us bikes for Christmas but wouldn't let us ride in the street, we had to ride in the backyard. Another Christmas, my dad got me a basketball hoop and put it in the middle of the lawn! You can't dribble on grass. -Jimmy Fallon

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. -Johnny Carson

Yeah, I started when I was 6 years old. My brother and sister would get all of these presents at Christmas time from the cast and crew of their show and I was jealous. So I decided that I had to become an actor. -Sara Gilbert

I'm going to North Pole to help out Santa this year. -Jimmy Fallon

We're having our office Christmas party tonight. Just like last year, I'm going to get drunk, make a fool of myself, and then go to the office Christmas party. -Conan O'Brien

The White House hosted its annual Hanukkah party and everything was going great until Biden tugged on a rabbi's beard and said, 'You're not Santa.' -Jimmy Fallon

Ninety-nine percent of the eggnog purchased all year is purchased during the week before Christmas. And 99 percent of that eggnog is poured down the drain during the week after Christmas. -Jimmy Kimmel


As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. "No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.
"You can't do that," argued my four-year-old.
"Don't worry. Santa will never know."
He shot me a look. "So he knows if I've been bad or good, but he doesn't know if you dropped a cookie on the floor?" -Four-Year-Old


Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? (The other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. Don't EVEN think of going there!) So I now present for you....

Things NOT To Say When Hanging Christmas Lights

--"You've got two red lights right next to each other. You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue..."
--"Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."
--"What on earth do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knots?"
--"Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry that sucker."
--"If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father."
--"Give me that!!"
--"You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."
--"I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done!"
--"You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a spiral this year?"
--"Have you been drinking?!!?"
--"Okaaay! Looks like we're *finally* done here now. Not too shabby huh? Hey....wait a minute, where's the cat?"

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NASFKAB 12/28/2014 3:42AM

  lovely specially hanging the lights

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DALID414 12/26/2014 6:51PM

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VEG954 12/26/2014 10:28AM

  LOL!

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JANET552 12/26/2014 8:41AM

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PDSLIM 12/25/2014 11:53PM

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MYAKAYAH 12/25/2014 9:59PM

    LoL with the funnies, great job~

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RAPUNZEL53 12/25/2014 8:40PM

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LINOVER 12/25/2014 8:09PM

    Good ones! emoticon

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IMUSTLOSEIT1 12/25/2014 7:55PM

    Funnnnnny!!!!!

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Thoughts to Ponder

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Do not eat natural foods. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

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Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

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The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

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Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

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There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

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An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

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If quitters never win and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

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Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

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The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

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Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

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Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to?

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Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

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All of us could take a lesson from the weather; it pays no attention to criticism.

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Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?

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In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

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How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LINOVER 12/25/2014 8:10PM

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VEG954 12/25/2014 11:31AM

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IMUSTLOSEIT1 12/25/2014 9:50AM

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GINNABOOTS 12/25/2014 9:31AM

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GARDENCHRIS 12/25/2014 9:26AM

    lol

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JANET552 12/25/2014 7:59AM

    Thanks for the morning laugh!

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NASFKAB 12/25/2014 4:12AM

  lovely thanks for sharing

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DALID414 12/25/2014 2:45AM

    emoticon

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The Perks of Being Over 50

Monday, December 15, 2014

-- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

-- In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

-- No one expects you to run into a burning building.

-- People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

-- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

-- There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

-- Things you buy now won't wear out.

-- You can eat dinner at 4 PM.

-- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

-- You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

-- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

-- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

-- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

-- You sing along with the elevator music.

-- Your eyes won't get much worse.

-- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

-- Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

-- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

-- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JANET552 12/22/2014 7:48AM

    Had to look. Now I know. LOL!!

Comment edited on: 12/22/2014 7:49:22 AM

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MISSDAISY23 12/15/2014 11:34PM

    I am already enjoying all the perks of being over 50! emoticon

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PDSLIM 12/15/2014 11:23PM

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DALID414 12/15/2014 9:31PM

    emoticon Can't wait!

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MOM2ACAT 12/15/2014 6:52PM

    Love this! I just turned 51 in September.

And yes, I have had people call me at 9pm and wake me, lol!

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IMUSTLOSEIT1 12/15/2014 12:40PM

    Yup, they all happen, And I am enjoying everyone of them.

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VEG954 12/15/2014 9:36AM

  Only one of the shoe fits...
In my 70's and still going strong.

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GOLDENRODFARM 12/15/2014 5:59AM

    emoticon emoticon

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EVIE4NOW 12/15/2014 5:49AM

  Gotta love these if the shoe fits. If it doesn't yet, trust me, it will. lol

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MYAKAYAH 12/15/2014 3:49AM

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Tracking the Weather

Sunday, December 14, 2014

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?

Yes, the man at National Weather Service again replied, it's going to be a very cold winter.

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?

Absolutely, the man replied. It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!"

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MISSDAISY23 12/15/2014 12:33AM

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PDSLIM 12/14/2014 8:37PM

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DALID414 12/14/2014 6:45PM

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AQUAGIRL08 12/14/2014 5:57PM

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IMUSTLOSEIT1 12/14/2014 11:02AM

    That sound about right.

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GINNABOOTS 12/14/2014 9:06AM

    That was very funny, thank you for making me laugh so early in the morning.

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VEG954 12/14/2014 8:40AM

  Thanks for starting my day with a chuckle!

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MYAKAYAH 12/14/2014 8:22AM

    LOL, I love your funny blogs makes me smile or chuckle every time :)~

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GOLDENRODFARM 12/14/2014 6:29AM

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SWEETNEEY 12/14/2014 4:38AM

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SUZZINH 12/14/2014 1:03AM

  I loved ur post i am Cherokee and when i was at my drs appt i heard the older people saying it is going to be a very cold winter i just hope they r wrong lol emoticon

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Weather Stone

Thursday, December 11, 2014

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MISSDAISY23 12/15/2014 12:34AM

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VEG954 12/12/2014 9:18PM

  LOL!

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PDSLIM 12/12/2014 3:23PM

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GARDENCHRIS 12/12/2014 7:50AM

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RASPBERRY56 12/12/2014 4:35AM

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MYAKAYAH 12/12/2014 12:45AM

    I've seen one of these on my travels before~

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DALID414 12/12/2014 12:02AM

    We have one of these nearby! So funny.

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