Thursday, July 17, 2014
While he was in Cuba this weekend, Vladimir Putin met with Fidel Castro and promised to revive Cuba's oil industry. Not to be confused with the other thing Cuba's always having to revive: Fidel Castro. -Jimmy Fallon
Germany won, but they're still mad at us for spying on them. So they're considering going back to using typewriters to avoid being spied on. It's never good news when Germany says they're going to go back to their old ways. -Conan O'Brien
People are going to see the new "Planet of the Apes" movie. It's in 3-D, and it is so realistic you can barely see the zippers on the backs of the monkey suits. The new "Planet of the Apes" movie is more fun than a barrel full of people. -David Letterman
The Orange County Fair in California has started selling bacon-wrapped churros, fried in bacon fat and filled with a half shot of Jack Daniels. I hear they are simply to die of. -Seth Meyers
LeBron James announced that he will be returning to the Cleveland Cavaliers four years after he left the team. That’s right, he's coming home. LeBron is going back to Cleveland. Or as Cleveland fans put it, "Is there a way to unburn jerseys?” -Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday Rick Perry told President Obama to go to the U.S.-Mexico border and see the immigration crisis firsthand because Americans expect to see their president when there is a disaster. Which is why today Obama showed up in Miami. -Jimmy Fallon
A company in the U.K. is making news for developing a new vegetable called Brussel-Kale, which is a hybrid of Brussels sprouts and kale. They said, “We got the idea from a child's nightmare.” -Jimmy Fallon
North Korea is negotiating to broadcast the Teletubbies. They have to make changes for North Korean TV. For starters, every episode will end with one of the Teletubbies being executed. -Craig Ferguson
People who wanted to go on the new Harry Potter ride at Universal had to wait in line for more than seven hours this week. That's right, seven hours of waiting just for a couple minutes of action. Or as that's also called, “watching soccer.” -Jimmy Fallon
According to a new study, the largest producer of oil is now the United States. So you know what that means — any day now we'll be invading ourselves. -David Letterman
Wyoming became a state on this day in 1918. Everybody celebrated from Cheyenne to another city in Wyoming. -Craig Ferguson
According to a new report, there is a shrine in Japan solely dedicated to hemorrhoids. Seating is limited, but usually available. -Seth Meyers
There was a huge blowout at the World Cup yesterday when Germany beat Brazil 7-1 in the semifinals. It got so bad that the refs told Brazil, “You know what? Go ahead and use your hands.” -Jimmy Fallon
Happy birthday to Ed Lowe, the man who invented Kitty Litter. Here's what I admire about Ed Lowe. Here was a guy who was thinking inside the box. -David Letterman
Today is National Sugar Cookie Day. The entire month of July is National Cream Month. You're welcome, diabetes. -Craig Ferguson
In an upcoming article for The Wall Street Journal, Tyra Banks predicts that everyone will have a robot in the future. The article raised a lot of good questions, like: Why is The Wall Street Journal interviewing Tyra Banks? -Seth Meyers
Wednesday, July 09, 2014
A Dreadful Fight
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"
Double Decker Bus
There's a double decker bus driving down the street full of passengers. On the lower level of the bus, everyone's having a good time, talking, laughing, and singing along to the music playing.
On the upper part of the bus, Maynard is in a panic. He's screaming, terrified, and holding onto others as the bus moves along the street.
Finally, someone gets up and walks to the top of the bus to ask what's wrong. Maynard replies, "What's wrong? Well, you'd be screaming too if you didn't have a driver!"
A guy named Bob is traveling by Amtrak with two strangers sitting close to him.
He is trying to sleep, but those guys were speaking loudly for a very long time heavily criticizing George Bush, the war in Iraq, corruption, unemployment, etc.
So Bob, in an attempt to force the guys to stop talking and let him sleep, tells them as a joke, that there is a new total control system developed by the FBI that spies upon all citizens, and there are lots of listening devices everywhere, so that anyone criticizing the government would be severely punished.
This didn’t have any effect on those guys, moreover they just laughed at Bob, and carried on and on, saying even more rude jokes about George Bush and the government.
Finally, close to 3:00 am, Bob goes to the restroom, and runs into the train conductor.
Bob asks the conductor to bring him some water and sleeping pills at exactly 3:00 a.m.
He goes back to his place and says loudly into the base of his seat, so that talkative guys could hear him:
"If the FBI director can hear me: could you please bring me a glass of water and some sleeping pills at 3:00 a.m., because there are some idiots here who are speaking too loudly about some political issues and won’t let me sleep."
The guys continue talking.
Exactly at 3:00 am, the door opens and the conductor comes out, and gives Bob the water and some sleeping pills.
The guys are shocked and finally stop talking. Bob is happy and manages to fall asleep.
When he wakes in the morning, the talkative guys are nowhere to be found.
Out of curiosity he asks the conductor about them, (also remembering that there shouldn’t have been any stops at night).
The conductor replies that some people in black suits stopped the train and arrested those guys.
Bob is completely shocked and surprised and asks about why he was not arrested.
The conductor answers that he doesn’t have a clue but one of the guys in black suits said that the director of the FBI liked Bob’s joke about the water and pills.
Sunday, July 06, 2014
I'm trying to figure out what to make for the Fourth of July. Hamburgers and hot dogs get a lot of attention, but the Fourth is really the blueberry's day to shine. When you need a blue food to round out your red, white, and blue items, there's nowhere else to turn but the blueberry. -Jimmy Kimmel
Every year, the blueberry has it right where it wants us. I say good for the blueberry. It deserves it. -Jimmy Kimmel
In Iran there's a TV show, a sitcom — it's weird that they even have a sitcom. But it's a rip-off of "Modern Family." They use Iranian actors and make shot-for-shot re-creations with the same plots and jokes. But their "Modern Family" has no gay characters. The most modern family on Iranian TV up to this point is the Flintstones. -Jimmy Kimmel
Seven Stones is a traditional game they play in the Middle East where teams compete to build and destroy a pile of rocks. "Seven Stones" is followed by "How I Met Your Mullah." -Jimmy Kimmel
At the World Cup, the U.S. team defied all expectations. They were not expected to get out of the first round. They took the dreaded Belgium into overtime. They call it extra time, but I don't. It's overtime. -Jimmy Kimmel
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Unfortunately Belgium won it, which is ridiculous. I didn't know Belgium was a real country. You know what they call Belgian waffles in Belgium? Waffles. -Jimmy Kimmel
It's hard to lose to a nation of pacifist chocolatiers. -Jimmy Kimmel
But all work stopped this afternoon when the game went into overtime. Productivity did suffer. I'm sure that happened in a lot of offices across the country. There are no sporting events that increase productivity. It's not like you hear, "Wow, this U.S. Open makes me want to crank out these expense reports." -Jimmy Kimmel
A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.
It's better to have loved and lost a short person than never to have loved a tall. -David Chambless
"I think a secure profession for young people is history teacher, because in the future, there will be so much more of it to teach. -Bill Muse
Do you remember the smile on the little girl's face when Frosty the Snowman came back to life? Well, that's kind of how I felt today when the honorable Mayor Rob Ford returned to the city of Toronto. It's always a great day for a city when their mayor comes back from rehab. -Jimmy Kimmel
We're now down to the final 38 weeks of the World Cup. This morning when France played Nigeria, it was the first time an American referee ever officiated a knockout round match. The French won it by a touchdown. -Jimmy Kimmel
New Rule: [slides of two "glamorous" mug shots] The criminal in this mug shot that went viral last week must hook up with the lady from this mug shot that went viral two years ago...and rob the **** out of Abercrombie & Fitch. You know, because they're good looking. -Bill Maher
New Rule: Republicans have to stop saying that all those Central American kids we're detaining prove we have to secure the border. The border is secure. How do you think we caught all those darn kids? -Bill Maher
New Rule: The Republican prankster who keeps following Hillary Clinton around in an orange squirrel costume...has to stop. First of all, she's not even running for president, yet. And, secondly, why a squirrel? Oh, that's right. Because Republicans like to gather all their nuts in the fall. -Bill Maher
New Rule: Since we imported four billion pounds of food from China last year, I don't need to know that a Chinese Walmart once sold mislabeled donkey meat - that's what it was supposed to be - that was actually ground-up fox! If I can't trust Walmart brand, Chinese-made, fox-free donkey burgers -what can I trust? "Walmart Donkey Burgers. One bite and you'll say this tastes like ass!" -Bill Maher
A big movie opened. "Transformers: Age of Extinction." You know, the Transformers — they transform. They are robots in disguise. I don't know if it will do well. After all these World Cup games, Americans can't handle any more excitement. -Craig Ferguson
The Learning Channel's new show is called "Buying Naked." It's a reality show about nudists buying houses. You know the thing about nakedness: People say I want to see you naked and then you see somebody naked and you think, Oh, I spoke too soon. It is better in the concept form. -Craig Ferguson
Last night Hillary Clinton said she won't support legalizing recreational marijuana until we see how it goes in Colorado. Officials in Colorado couldn't respond because they were too busy swimming in a pool of money. -Jimmy Fallon
A big movie opened today. I'm very excited about it. "Jersey Boys." It's based on the Broadway play. It's about the hot musical group all the kids love — Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. -Craig Ferguson
Crack-smoking mayor of Toronto Rob Ford is returning to Canada. He's been in the United States in rehab. He's going back to Canada. He traded himself for five Taliban prisoners. -David Letterman
Over the weekend Afghanistan held its presidential election run-off. The way it works is everyone runs off, and whoever's slowest has to be president of Afghanistan. -Seth Meyers
Saturday, July 05, 2014
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G ?
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