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SUM FUNEES

Monday, September 15, 2014

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund reached out and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled.
No one answered.
"ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA' BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."


Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?

A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

---

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?

A: A wind tunnel.


Proposed Error Messages, Windows 2006

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2006:

1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

6. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

7. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."

8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"

9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

12. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

13. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

14. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

15. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

16. User Error: Replace user.

17. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

18. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

19. User Error: Intelligence Resource Level Insufficient

20. Netscape.exe... Bad file name... May we suggest M/S Internet Explorer? (Y/y)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KRYSSCOTT 9/17/2014 2:47PM

   
14. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

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IMAVISION 9/16/2014 7:38PM

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PDSLIM 9/16/2014 6:52PM

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LINOVER 9/15/2014 4:58PM

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123ELAINE456 9/15/2014 1:00PM

  LOL!!!

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IMUSTLOSEIT1 9/15/2014 12:04PM

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GINNABOOTS 9/15/2014 10:27AM

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VEG954 9/15/2014 10:19AM

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GIVEUP30 9/15/2014 6:41AM

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The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

Monday, September 08, 2014

Here's a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends.
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately. The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed. Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown. And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --

Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NASFKAB 9/16/2014 10:37AM

  loved your blog you made me convinced it really happened till the end

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GIVEUP30 9/9/2014 10:41PM

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PDSLIM 9/8/2014 10:37PM

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DALID414 9/8/2014 9:57PM

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KRYSSCOTT 9/8/2014 6:57PM

    Oh, my! You almost got me! I believed every word all the way up until the last line.

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GIVEUP30 9/8/2014 6:18PM

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LINOVER 9/8/2014 3:33PM

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IMUSTLOSEIT1 9/8/2014 9:47AM

    Now I don't know if I want to believe that one or not.

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123ELAINE456 9/8/2014 9:34AM

  Awesome Blog.

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VEG954 9/8/2014 9:10AM

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SANDRALEET 9/8/2014 7:50AM

    Stupidity at it most expensive

Comment edited on: 9/8/2014 7:51:51 AM

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WOUBBIE 9/8/2014 6:56AM

    LOL! You almost had me on this one!

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PRAIRIECROCUS 9/8/2014 2:28AM

    Incredibly cute blog !
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Jasper and the Unbaked Yeast Rolls

Sunday, September 07, 2014

Those of you who have/had animals will probably appreciate this more. It is a story that is hilarious in itself and the person that wrote it is a good writer and made the story even better. ~

We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you, who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10-year-old child about whom you know nothing and committing to doing your best to be a good parent.

Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will only sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as he can get without actually performing a French kiss on me.

Lest you think this is a bad case of 'no discipline,' I should tell you that Perry and I tried every means to break him of this habit including locking him in a separate bedroom for several nights. The new door cost over $200. But I digress...

Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost of the project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended family, and a lot of friends that I like more than family most of the time.

I was assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend. I am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so quickly. It was the only appliance in the whole darn house that worked, thus the assignment. I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wed evening to reheat Thurs am. Since the kitchen was freshly painted, you can imagine the odor. Not wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams #586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the living room to rise hours.

Perry and I decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour. The rolls were ready to go in the oven. It was 8:30 PM. When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much to my shock one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called out to Jasper and my worst nightmare became a reality. He literally wobbled over to me. He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin Tire man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. I swear even his cheeks were bloated. I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds of uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be OK, however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the night. God only knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did when they were sick. Suffice it to say that by the time we went to bed the dog was black, white and pink. He was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed for the night.

We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing; put the dog out to relieve himself. Well, the dog was as drunk as a sailor on his first leave. He was running into walls, falling flat on his butt, and most of the time when he was walking his front half was going one direction and the other half was either dragging the grass or headed 90 degrees in another direction.

He couldn't lift his leg to pee, so he would just walk and pee at the same time. When he ran down the small incline in our backyard, he couldn't stop himself and nearly ended up running into the fence. His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon. I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk. He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours and to keep giving him Pepto Bismol.

Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up and took him with us to my sister's house for the first Thanksgiving meal of the day. My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch, (10 to 15 minute drive). Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and me, we took off.

Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe me when I say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP. These burps were pure Old Charter. They would have matched or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the police station. But that's not the worst of it.

Now he was beginning to let off gas and it smelled like baked rolls. God strike me dead if I am not telling the truth! We endured this for the entire trip to Karen's, thankful she didn't live any further away than she did. Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage with the door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the day. The dog was the topic of conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to the garage to witness my drunken dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper's latest endeavor to walk without running into something.

Of course, as the old adage goes, 'what goes in, must come out' and Jasper was no exception. Granted, if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have put a concrete block up my behind, but alas a dog's digestive system is quite different from yours or mine. I discovered this was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karen's house. Having discovered his 'packages' on the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor. This was another naive decision on our part. The blast of water from the hose hit the poop on the floor and the poop on the floor withstood the blast from the hose. It was like Portland cement beginning to set up and cure. We finally tried to remove it with a shovel. I (obviously no one else was going to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor. And as if this wasn't degrading enough, the darn dog in his drunken state had walked through the poop and left paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be brushed, too.

Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home and dropped him off before we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's sister's house. I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to normal both in size and temperament. He has had a bath and is no longer tricolor. None the worse for wear ... I presume.

I am also happy to report that just this evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door. It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad idea. Now, I'm doing research on the computer as to: 'How to clean unbaked dough from the carpet.'

And how was your day????

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GENRE009 9/17/2014 9:26AM

    Cute story! But very messy. I suppose you forgot that you can't leave any food out, because dogs get bored, and will try to get it. In my situation it was the thawed chicken, or the tuna salad enough to feed twelve people . eva

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NASFKAB 9/13/2014 11:50AM

  FUNNY

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NAYPOOIE 9/8/2014 3:48PM

    been there emoticon

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GINNABOOTS 9/8/2014 8:52AM

    Hysterical, loved it!

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DALID414 9/8/2014 12:30AM

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WOUBBIE 9/7/2014 11:06PM

    LOL! Was looking this up on Snopes and found this "cat" version:

When I was living in Houston, my male cat at the time, a Cornish Rex named Vivat, ate a couple of hundred yeast tablets.

I used to give my cats these special yeast and garlic tablets recommended by my vet to discourage fleas (did not work). To Vivat, those tablets were the ultimate feline taste sensation, and everytime he heard me shake the bottle, he would come running and circle frantically, leaping and yowling. My parents were visiting one weekend, and my mother gave Vivat some of the tablets.

The next morning, when I went into the bathroom to get ready for work, I found Vivat lying on his side on the cold tile floor. His stomach was hugely bloated, his eyes glazed and sunken, and his legs out stiff, as if he was in the throes of rigor mortis. I touched him and all he let out was a feeble moan.

Frantic, I ran into the kitchen to call the vet, and found the nearly empty jar of tablets on the floor (it was a 400 count, and nearly new, so he must of eaten a couple of hundred). My mother must have forgotten to put the lid back on the jar. When I told the vet what had happened, she laughed and assured me that Vivat would just lie there all day saying "I can't believe I ate the whole thing," and ultimately he would be fine.

I don't know about dogs being able to burp, but apparently cats cannot, because Vivat began releasing the fermenting gas from a more southern orifice. By the time I got back to the bathroom, he had produced enough foul smelling byproduct to qualify as a EPA biohazard. I flipped him over on the bathmat and dragged it to a far corner of the living room, as far downwind as possible.

When I came back that evening, Vivat was up and walking around, though still a little rotund and gaseous. Just out of curiousity, I shook the bottle with the remaining yeast tablets, and he came waddling into the room, yowling for more.

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VEG954 9/7/2014 9:58PM

  I really enjoyed reading your blog.
That must have been a hysterical site.
Wouldn't have wanted to clean up the messes.
Guess that's why the only pets I have are plants!
Thanks!!!

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KRYSSCOTT 9/7/2014 9:54PM

    ROFLMAO! Loved that, very funny and certainly something my doxie would do without hesitation.

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IMUSTLOSEIT1 9/7/2014 9:52PM

    That's a great one. One of the funniest one I've heard lately.

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10 Jokes Only Engineers Will Understand. Who Says Engineers Donít Have A Sense Of Humor?

Saturday, September 06, 2014

1. Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

2. To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

3. A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

4. What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

5. The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

6. Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

7. Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting coefficient of friction. Interrupting coefficient of fri.... mmmuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (μ)

8. Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

9. An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

10. A wife asks her husband, a software engineer... "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."



Sorry, I don't get No 7 either. If you do, please explain in comments. Thanks.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LINOVER 9/8/2014 3:37PM

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SELENITYLUNARE 9/7/2014 10:12PM

    Oh wow I hadn't heard those yet and I had heard a LOT in school LOL


By the way for number 7...

friction causes a decrease in speed... it stops stuff... so the coefficient of friction is stopping him from finishing the joke!!

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VEG954 9/7/2014 2:39PM

  Way too funny!
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*TRACY* 9/7/2014 1:45PM

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KRYSSCOTT 9/7/2014 1:39PM

    I don't get number 7 but I did some research and

(that backwards U) is pronounced MU,

In engineering (That backwards U) is defined as: the coefficient of friction (also used in aviation as braking coefficient)

It still doesn't make much sense to me but at least we now know where the MU and (that backwards U) came from..

Maybe with that information someone else can explain it to both of us...



Comment edited on: 9/7/2014 1:40:04 PM

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PDSLIM 9/7/2014 11:55AM

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DENNIS2014 9/7/2014 8:45AM

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Great jokes - really like the one about the golfers.

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SANDRALEET 9/7/2014 7:12AM

    They will be there all day None can see were to shout

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123ELAINE456 9/7/2014 3:44AM

  LOL!!!

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_RAMONA 9/7/2014 3:05AM

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How The Internet Got Started - According To The Bible.

Saturday, September 06, 2014

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.

Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg.

Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.

The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARRAND 9/7/2014 4:32PM

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IGNITEME101 9/7/2014 1:15PM

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Loved this!!

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_RAMONA 9/7/2014 3:08AM

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