Saturday, November 03, 2012
Yesterday, I planned my entire outfit. I spent time wondering about how clothes would work together and even what kind of impression I would give the world by what I was wearing.
This is something new for me.
As I was walking down the street in my skinny jeans, chunky sweater and leather jacket, I found myself thinking that I felt ten years younger! But, after a bit more thinking, I realised that it wasn't that I was feeling ten years younger, just that I was now dressing like someone my age. I've spent most of my life dressing like a person ten years older than me because those were the only clothes that fitted me!
Then I began wondering if I was dressing to suit a particular image of a person I wanted to be, or if in fact, the way I was dressing was the actual person that I was (it's a bit deep, I know!).
I came to the conclusion that I'm at an in between phase. I think I'm still figuring out who I am, but what is happening is that I'm starting to express my character more by the clothes that I'm wearing and that I'm less afraid to express myself through my outfits.
The sad thing is that I never realised that being overweight had affected me in this way. I'm only now understanding what a lack of confidence I had in myself to the point where I felt I didn't really have the right to feel good in the clothes I was wearing.
Now I feel like I have a whole ten years of personal expression to catch up on!
Friday, October 05, 2012
Project cookie monster!
I managed to conquer the chocolate binges by allowing chocolate into my life everyday, but in very limited quantities. DH and I have one chocolate every evening after dinner and then give the chocolate a score out of ten (It's from a company called 'Hotel Chocolate'. They have these tasting boxes - only two chocolates in each flavour and if you have one a day the box lasts for about a month). This works because the chocolates are delicious and very rich, and there are only two of each flavour, so I can't have one before my DH gets home without him noticing (!!)
I've decided to do a similar thing with cookies. Last weekend I bought a box of ginger cookies from Fortnum and Masons (a rather posh shop down in London town). Now, I knew this would be a good choice because I don't go to this shop very often, they were in a cute box, and they were more expensive than your average box. I got home and counted them out, finding there were 16, which meant one each night for both of us for a week (Long enough considering this is an experiment).
We started on Sunday night and I think it is working. I have not found myself debating whether to get a cookie with my coffee at Starbucks or whether I need to pop into the store to buy cookies to go with my tea after work. Already I hear myself thinking, 'but I already have delicious cookies waiting for me at home' - which is exactly what happened with my chocolate cravings.
My only problem now is that I need to make my way back to Fortnums to get more of them!
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Yesterday I felt fat. I pointed this out to my husband, who got that panic stricken 'Oh my word, how do I respond to this' look on his face, and then asked me when last I had tracked my food. 'I'm not sure,' was my reply. He then said (very carefully) ' Well, you seem to be getting all emotional about your eating, and if you go back to tracking you'll be taking the emotion out of your eating and that might help you.'
I hadn't thought about tracking like that, but he had a point. When I track what I eat I don't find myself thinking 'this will make me fat' or 'this is so bad for me' or 'if I keep eating like this I will blow up like a balloon all over again'. I can't, because the numbers are telling me whether I've eaten within my calorie range, or not, and I know that if I eat within my calorie range I will either lose weight or stay the same, and if I eat more I will gain weight. That angry little voice in my head can't argue these facts.
I think that tracking my food stopped the knee jerk emotional reaction to food that I suffered from, and that was one of the reasons I was successful.
So, I started tracking again. Already, a day later, I feel less guilty about food. I know for certain whether I have eaten too much, or can manage a little bit of ice cream after dinner. And, much to my husbands relief, I don't feel fat anymore......
Wednesday, September 05, 2012
I'm coming up to my one year anniversary at Sparkpeople and I must say, I'm very proud that I'm still standing!
I've been thinking about how I've made it through a year of birthdays, seasonal celebrations, parties, mood swings, illness, work, holidays, etc, etc, AND, about how I'm about to go through the same cycle all over again.
Honestly, I'm not very excited about it. In fact, I think it has finally hit me that I can't ever 'ditch the diet' so to speak. That's the one thing sparkpeople has taught me. This diet, is not something I do for six weeks and then go back to the way I ate before. This diet has been all about 'developing life-long habits' and, that is exactly what has happened to me.
I've learned to make better choices for myself.
But, now, after a year, I am feeling a little overwhelmed. Yes, I'll go through the annual cycle all over again, yes, I've done it once, so surely I can do it all again. I just don't feel excited about it.
So, let's think about this.
Am I happy with my progress this year? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I want to go back to the size I was when I started this program? No, not at all.
Do I like the lifestyle I live now? Actually, I do.
Do I miss eating lots of cake at parties? Yes, yes, I do......
But? There is another part of me that reminds me how ill I feel when I eat too much junk food and how it's hard to jog well after a bag of crisps (My mind has definitely re-programmed itself!!)
What has changed?
I'm now petite-sized. I wear 'smalls' and fit into size 8 (US 4) clothes.
5km is my regular training distance. I can do 10km in under 55 minutes.
My knees no longer hurt me when I run.
My husband is no longer obese. He is 5 kilos away from his goal weight.
I've encouraged my best friend to run a 5km.
I've encouraged lots of people to count calories
I've left a part time job that was no longer working, and within days, found a better one. I've been wanting to leave that job for two years now.
I look like the person I imagine myself to be.
So, what next?
New goals. That way I won't feel like I've done it all before.
I need to think about that and write about it another day.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
I had a big family reunion this weekend and I decided to leave my trusty travel scale at home for the first time since I started the Spark people programme.
This was a big deal for me because I use the scale to gauge how my weight is doing and help me judge how much I can eat that day. But, I'm beginning to feel it is time to move away from this ritual.
I decided that I would track my calories religiously to help me survive the long weekend without gaining weight. Unfortunately the lack of internet access meant that my plan to track calories did not happen. All I could really do was eat in moderation and trust my year on sparkpeople (well, almost a year) to help me make the best choices for myself. (Yes, this did include the chocolate mousse cake for dessert at the family lunch - but just once slice of it!!)
Imagine my suprise to find that all my relatives were following my lead in food choices. It was quite funny once I noticed that everyone seemed to wait and see what I was going to eat before they would decide what they would have! Who would ever believe that I would become the role model for healthy food choices
Fortunately most people are still very supportive of my weight loss as well as my husbands. Very few people tried to force food down our throats or insist we were too skinny, and, as my husband is still losing weight, we could support each other when the going got tough.
Needless to say, when I jumped on the scale this morning my weight was exactly the same as it was when I last checked! I did it!!
There definitely are phases in the maintenance part of a weight loss program. I can feel myself moving into a new one even though I can't quite label it and I don't quite know what to call the current phase I'm in. I think I'm now starting to feel a bit more confident in my own ability to make healthy food choices without needing to rely on the scale, or the tracker as much as I used to to tell me how I'm doing.
I'm not completely in this phase yet. I feel like I'm standing on the shore of a very cold ocean and just dipping my toes into the water. I'm taking baby steps - four days away from the scale is a good start. It has shown me that my decision making when it comes to deciding what to eat is ok. Maybe I'll start trying four days checking my weight on the scale, four days not......maybe......
As an addendum, I must add that I kept up with my jogging routine. I managed to go jogging first thing in the morning while everyone was still waking up on the days I had planned. I'm certain that making sure I did that helped set the tone for my eating patterns each day.
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