Friday, November 23, 2012
Tomorrow is my birthday. I remember my birthday last year so clearly because the challenge was not too eat too much food! It's funny how a year later eating only one cupcake to celebrate my birthday feels perfectly reasonable, when last year I was freaking out because it seemed like too little. How perceptions change.
This week I had an exciting interview for a phd scholarship. It has been a dream of mine to be able to go back to school to complete a Phd, but the practicalities of doing this keeps well in the 'dream' category as opposed to the 'goal' category. It was about the same time that I started with sparkpeople that I decided to take a bit more interest in applying for Phd studentships. Not many have come along and of the few that I have applied for, this is the first that has led to an interview. Now that the interview is done, I'm busy waiting to hear back and the longer I wait, the more nervous I get!
Bizarrely, life is quite good at the moment. I know I'll be able to carry on with my current work without being too upset if I don't get offered the scholarship, so I think I'm in a good place.
I hurt my foot a few weeks ago (from running) so I've had to adapt my exercise schedule to accomodate that. Fortunately, I haven't gained any weight, and yoga is helping me stay a little bit toned. I miss running, but I know how important it is to wait until my foot is completely healed before I start again. I've now learned, that everything will be ok if I take a bit of time off because of an injury. It's another learning curve, understanding that there needs to be flexibility in an exercise programme for it to become a constant part of life.
So, I suppose for this birthday I feel quite calm about life. I'm happy with the goals I have achieved, I have dreams that I can now imagine moving into my 'goals' list and, I know that birthdays are far from ruined by having a cupcake instead of the whole cake!! They are made so much better.
Saturday, November 03, 2012
Yesterday, I planned my entire outfit. I spent time wondering about how clothes would work together and even what kind of impression I would give the world by what I was wearing.
This is something new for me.
As I was walking down the street in my skinny jeans, chunky sweater and leather jacket, I found myself thinking that I felt ten years younger! But, after a bit more thinking, I realised that it wasn't that I was feeling ten years younger, just that I was now dressing like someone my age. I've spent most of my life dressing like a person ten years older than me because those were the only clothes that fitted me!
Then I began wondering if I was dressing to suit a particular image of a person I wanted to be, or if in fact, the way I was dressing was the actual person that I was (it's a bit deep, I know!).
I came to the conclusion that I'm at an in between phase. I think I'm still figuring out who I am, but what is happening is that I'm starting to express my character more by the clothes that I'm wearing and that I'm less afraid to express myself through my outfits.
The sad thing is that I never realised that being overweight had affected me in this way. I'm only now understanding what a lack of confidence I had in myself to the point where I felt I didn't really have the right to feel good in the clothes I was wearing.
Now I feel like I have a whole ten years of personal expression to catch up on!
Friday, October 05, 2012
Project cookie monster!
I managed to conquer the chocolate binges by allowing chocolate into my life everyday, but in very limited quantities. DH and I have one chocolate every evening after dinner and then give the chocolate a score out of ten (It's from a company called 'Hotel Chocolate'. They have these tasting boxes - only two chocolates in each flavour and if you have one a day the box lasts for about a month). This works because the chocolates are delicious and very rich, and there are only two of each flavour, so I can't have one before my DH gets home without him noticing (!!)
I've decided to do a similar thing with cookies. Last weekend I bought a box of ginger cookies from Fortnum and Masons (a rather posh shop down in London town). Now, I knew this would be a good choice because I don't go to this shop very often, they were in a cute box, and they were more expensive than your average box. I got home and counted them out, finding there were 16, which meant one each night for both of us for a week (Long enough considering this is an experiment).
We started on Sunday night and I think it is working. I have not found myself debating whether to get a cookie with my coffee at Starbucks or whether I need to pop into the store to buy cookies to go with my tea after work. Already I hear myself thinking, 'but I already have delicious cookies waiting for me at home' - which is exactly what happened with my chocolate cravings.
My only problem now is that I need to make my way back to Fortnums to get more of them!
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Yesterday I felt fat. I pointed this out to my husband, who got that panic stricken 'Oh my word, how do I respond to this' look on his face, and then asked me when last I had tracked my food. 'I'm not sure,' was my reply. He then said (very carefully) ' Well, you seem to be getting all emotional about your eating, and if you go back to tracking you'll be taking the emotion out of your eating and that might help you.'
I hadn't thought about tracking like that, but he had a point. When I track what I eat I don't find myself thinking 'this will make me fat' or 'this is so bad for me' or 'if I keep eating like this I will blow up like a balloon all over again'. I can't, because the numbers are telling me whether I've eaten within my calorie range, or not, and I know that if I eat within my calorie range I will either lose weight or stay the same, and if I eat more I will gain weight. That angry little voice in my head can't argue these facts.
I think that tracking my food stopped the knee jerk emotional reaction to food that I suffered from, and that was one of the reasons I was successful.
So, I started tracking again. Already, a day later, I feel less guilty about food. I know for certain whether I have eaten too much, or can manage a little bit of ice cream after dinner. And, much to my husbands relief, I don't feel fat anymore......
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