Saturday, December 07, 2013
Trying to figure when the right thing to do is to feel the feelings versus moving on is something on my mind. It seems weird to say that I don't know how to let myself feel. I don't know if it is safe, will I survive it, will anyone be there to pick up the pieces. On the other hand, I am just plain tired of the same cr@p coming up again and again. The family I was born into is just messed up, and new incidents stir up old issues.
Mother is in assisted living about 10 minutes from my home on the western edge of the Milwaukee area.
My brother John, SIL Jen and 3 nieces live 6 hours away in Iowa.
My sister Gloria, BIL Paul and nephew live two-plus hours away near Appleton.
There are past blogs dealing with the uncaring and mean things that my brother John and SIL Jen have done. I tried to take the high road, not join in the name-calling, escalation and retaliation. Upset and semi-obsessive feelings/thoughts came up again when I found out they (and their young daughters) visited our mother, who lives 10 minutes away from me. They did not tell me they were coming or invite me and my family to join them. And then John texted my husband Dave 2 weeks after our son's birthday to apologize for missing his birthday. He didn't ask to speak to Nate directly. And he didn't direct his comments to his own sister. In a normal, at least semi-functional family wouldn't the brother contact the sister??? I am sad and lonely and wish things were different. But dwelling on that is not dealing with the reality of how things are. They are who and what they are.
The real ugliness came up at Christmas last year (or the year before) - and I sometimes dwell on dreading this year. But not always. I keep telling myself to tell them if/when the subject comes up that I am okay with letting someone else plan a family Christmas for Mother. I will come if I can - my schedule is odd due to working retail, which they don't seem to get. I know that I will have the bases covered for Mother when it comes to the actual holiday because my in-laws are fine with us bringing her to day-of events on my in-laws side. I would like to see my nieces, especially so I can give my God-daughter her star ornament, which is something I do every year.
And then there is my sister, whose MS has comepletely changed her personality, short term memory and, well, she is not the same person. And she is completely dependent on her husband. At best, he is clueless, thoughtless about Gloria needing to see her family and our mother needing to see her daughter. Mother talked to Glo and Paul before Thanksgiving to ask them to stop by on their way home from visiting his family in Illinois. Paul told her his parents were coming up to his place. After I saw on Facebook that Glo and Paul had been at his parents for the holiday, I asked Mother if they stopped by - she said no and got upset. She later called them to tell how she felt, and ended up more upset. And I had to deal with that.
I will not take on the situation with Paul and Gloria and their son not going to see Mother. It is a no-win for me - and it won't help Mother. I may suggest Mother ask John to intervene - he can be a mean, bossy bastard.
LIfe has been overwhelming with Dave being unemployed since July, daughter moving out of state for college, DH's and son's ADHD, being my mother's sole emotional support and primary source of transportation (at least 4x/week to health appointments currently), feeling lonely, not having uninterrupted time to think.
Meanwhile, I am trying to figure out how to take care of myself - how to feel what I need to feel, how to move on. Figuring out my food issues is a key challenge.
I love running - yeah for running! No exercise today as I have a 20K tomorrow. :)
December Progress Update:
Journalling/blogging on 10 days - 3 days
Tracking food on 13 days - 3 days
Exercising on 22 days - 4 days
Wednesday, December 04, 2013
Feeling worn out and distracted. Haven't had since May any regular time in the house to myself to just think and do stuff uninterrupted. I SO have not been focused. That has been very apparent in my misuse of food and the computer. Seeing my marathon medal reminds me that I can accomplish things, even big things. Having my own plan, sticking to it, getting back to it (when I've gotten off track) really has worked for me. I can get on track and follow my plan! To that end, I did prep food for the rest of today and for tomorrow.
Friday, November 29, 2013
I screwed up.
I forgot to take my mother to her outpatient cardiac rehab program today. And she couldn't go later because they closed early today. I feel like the Loser Daughter of the Year. I know I disappointed her, possibly lead her to feel not important.
I am trying to accept that I am human, that I will make mistakes. I want to eat, eat, eat. Somehow I feel it is not okay to make one mistake, even though I do so much driving for my my mother. Most weeks I take her to rehab 3x/week plus one other appointment. Yesterday we took her with us to my inlaws for Thanksgiving. I just plain forgot - it didn't feel like a normal day, a normal Friday. The irony here - I work retail (4:30a-2p today) and know very well that today was what??? Black FRIDAY! Argggh.
Friday, November 22, 2013
Weird lesson yesterday - if someone else is upset, I want to eat, eat, eat. I wasn't that upset about a work situation (Company announcing stores would open 24-7 from 12/20 through 12/24 6pm), but a bunch of my coworkers sure were. I had my healthy snacks then promptly got junk from the vending machines, which is something rarely do as I was a cheapsakate even before DH's unemployment. Ties in somehow with tuning in to others and taking care of them. I know this wanting to eat when others are upset means something.
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