Friday, September 13, 2013
Definitely need a warning at the beginning like a disclaimer...I haven't blogged since July and I have been composing this blog in my head for days...so now if you don't want to read a long one!
I am a mess! Literally a HOT mess as I sit here having a hot flash while I type! But I am also a mess on my healthy journey. I am not just off track. I am down in the ditch, rolling around in the mud, and feeling pretty nasty and stuck. I have had a lot of moments in the last while that I feel like I should just quit totally. Leave Spark People. Give up the fight. Accept that I am an obese women. Stop feeling defeated and guilty.
To figure out how I got here, I have spent a lot of time recently playing a rewind in my head. I won't go all the way back to when I was a baby. Can I get an amen? Even though I was an 11 pounder! But weight has been a struggle for me my whole life. Nothing would ever work for long. I wasn't willing to make permanent changes.
It all changed for me in 2010 when I had a hysterectomy. Suddenly I felt better. I had energy. I wanted to move! And the increased activity got things moving in the right direction. The pounds started coming off that summer. As they did I started making healthy food choices too. I found Sparkpeople in July of that summer. I continued to make healthy choices and lost 40 pounds before I went back to school in August. My heaviest was 261 in April 2010. By August I was in the 221 range. I kept doing fairly well considering how stressful back to school time is. Somewhere along the line I got down to 204 and was excited beyond belief because I don't even know when I was last that close to Onederland. It was the lowest weight I have been in my 20+ year marriage.
So...what happened? Somewhere along the way I stopped being as active. I stopped being as faithful in my food "rules". Heck...I think I threw the rules out the window. I inched my way back up to the 220ish range and have been stuck there for over a year now. I will get serious and lose a couple but then they seem to come right back. The devil tells me I am doomed to be a 220+ woman forever. My changing hormones and body caused by menopause definitely don't help. Am I fighting a losing battle?
I have had different bursts of starting over but I just can't seem to get that motivation back to go the distance. Last week I decided to walk. I doubled my time of walking to 2 miles. Which doesn't sound like much compared to when I first got on SP and was burning some serious fitness minutes. But 2 miles was a lot compared to nothing! So last week I walked every stinking day! Even if I didn't want to. On those days I walked a minimum of 1 mile, but more days were 2. So I thought on Saturday when I weighed in for my 5% challenge team I would have at least gone down a pound. Nope! I went up! GRRRRR! And so basically this week I have felt like just throwing in the towel and quit this madness!
I am definitely done with 5% challenges as I have participated in several and have never lost the 5%. I am 43 years old. I have been overweight, obese most of those 43 years. I was super active, making healthy choices 1-2 years of that life. But right now it feels like the other 40 years are winning. How do I break habits of a lifetime? And how the heck do I know what diet is best for me anyway? Do I need to give up dairy? Wheat? Carbs? Sugar? Do I need to be on a special menopause diet? I know! I know! I know! It isn't suppose to be a diet. It is suppose to be a lifestyle. Well, most of my lifestyle hasn't been healthy. So...I feel lost, confused, lonely, hopeless...
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