Sunday, September 14, 2008
I have had multiple problems with the PC, No time, Exercise is to hard, Can't get on SP due to PC problems, Interuptions, and that old familiar twang.. I am tired of "dieting."
With all of these "reasons' I know why I eat..With every little problem I pick up food... When did I begin consulting food for an answer to every little deviation in my life.
Some would say and I would agree that this is an emotional eater problem. But, I am not sure I even have emotions. ..after all I consulted food and it took the place of love, hate, sad, glad, became my lover at night, my boss during the day, my family I didn't have.
Still, I got on the scales this morning and I haven't gained any weight back that I have previously lost but, for whatever reasons I continue to weigh he same as when I first joined SP so long ago. Well, I have lost 9 additional pounds. Perhaps I like myself way to much, Perhaps I need to start NOT liking the way I am ..my physical looks. Perhaps I should concentrate on the healthy aspect of losing weight. Perhaps, but if, I think to hard on it. I will consult "food".
I decided that when I have problems..whether it be pc problems or the a preceived problem I need to keep a handwritten journal. I am thinking that is what I need to do. Would this help. Some have said it does..Could writing my frustrations down be the answer. Well, I am going to give it a try. Its great to be back online be able to post, vent my feelings and thoughts. But, I am thinking it would be great to do so in a journal when I am not able to get online or those times I conjure up a problem.
I will see... I guess the first step was recognizing I was consulting food of any kind to solve my problems. What did it give me.. nothing but acid on the stomach, that hateful feeling that I had no control, and the wishful thinking of where I could be IF I had just followed my plan.
So, now for this day I will NOT consult food. I will be the boss and control the happenings. At least for this day. Tomorrow will be faced when it happens..
Thursday, July 03, 2008
Recently I have either binged or not eaten at all. Neither one of them was really noted by myself UNTIL a couple of days ago. I found myself reflecting what I saw in myself. I do think I get in a party of pity as I don't have family in the area, nor have I established any friends outside of the time that I worked. Oh, I attend some functions, but I am quiet, which is part of my personality.
The reflecting of myself took place in a restuarant as I was having breakfast. I wasn't hungry, I didn't think or feel that I was lonely. Then, I watched others as they came in. I sipped on my coffee and saw them enter couples, friends, or coworkers. Talking, laughing, discussing business and things of the world. My active thought was how I would be getting my breakfast soon and things would be better for me. Hmm, my food would make things better for me.. That was an awakening to me.
I never thought of food as a friend. Just seemed to be somthing to do until something else came along. But, nothing else has come along....
Later I got to the car and I pulled out the compact mirror, and as I applied my lipstick I took a good look at ME. Who I saw didn't displease me. I looked at her and saw a friendly person, someone who saw the funnier side of life, most of the time. I saw a person I liked..I didn't love her... might not ever. But I did like her. But, I knew if I had a good friend that I liked and saw that she was going down a destructive road I would say something to her. I knew then that I should be my own best friend.
Still, as I started the car I wasn't sure that I wanted to be my own best friend. Relationships are work...hard work. Did I want to really do that.
I have thought about that for a few days and today I know.. that friend I saw in the mirror...well, yes, she is worth the hard work. Developing self worth, a kindness to one's self, the internal love of self is hard and will be tough. But I know that person I saw in the mirror is going down a destructive road made of food choices. Will my friends outside of myself increase or become one of my best buddies. Who knows.. but for now I want to be my own best friend. Healthy and enjoying life., besides I am worth knowing...
Saturday, January 05, 2008
I decided to stop... Stop SP, stop meal planning, stop exercising, stop trying to get my physical shape and mind in order. So, I did. Of course, I had a little help. It was easier to stop when I had to care for my Dad during his illness and subsequent death. That was my start to my stopping. Then a few weeks after his death. I stepped on the scale. Those little digits showed that I increased higher than when I weighed in the first time with SP in April 2007. I gave a ho-hum, that is just the way it is. I will never be at "goal"...so, why fret about it any longer.
After all I had lost from 301 pounds plus...I say plus as the scale didn't reach higher than that. the needle was straining and almost popping off the highest weight on it. It had taken me 6 years to get down to the slendering 219 pounds that I weighed in that first day on Spark. I was tired of it all. Why did it seem that others, even those of my age reached their goal within two years, but why did others seem to be like me in a constant struggle. Frankly, I didn't care about the others and I sure didn't care about me.
So, I stopped, I took weeks to evaluate what I had done in the past. Oh, I was feeling good about the lost poundage..but, why had not I lost and become as fit as I wanted within 2-3 years instead of continuing to struggle these past 6 years. I began to feel as if I was to old, to late to start to do things better, that it would take to long, and I was just plain to tired of the mind set that I needed. Then I discovered what the "successful" people have known all along.
It is a battle and, only, can be won through perserverance and diligence. I didn't pop right back into the exercise, meal planning stage. I came into Spark and began to erase mypage, but couldn't bring myself to completey delete it. I began to voice my troubles. I didn't expect to find anyone that could relate or even recognize that I was still with a team. Through all my fat/obese years..the bigger I got the more I became invisible. Yet,
the teams I belonged to supported me. They did not pity me, but encouraged and stood by me. Seeming to support me in whatever decision I would make. No judgements, just pure support.
I stayed this time...day by day my mind knew what I needed to do. During December last year, I began to, sporadically, meal plan, exercise and doing all the things I knew would be good for me. Still, I knew something else had to change. That one solitary thing to change was, my mind. I finally realized it was no one else that had made me eat, or not exercise or feel good about myself at any weight. It was mine and mine alone. The responsibility lay on my shoulders.
I also found the reason the prior weight loss was slow. Why? Because I never for one day in 6 years stayed within my meal plan and though I began to workout fairly consistently, all it took was a rainy, cold day or a day that it was hot and I had an excuse not to go. Of course in that period I took care of a husband who was ill and then subsequently died. Was this an excuse? I think not.
Grief has many forms, it was awhile but, eventually my heart was soothed and I got one foot on the wagon. of weight loss....trying to climb up but fearful of falling down. The end result, I didn't put any more effort into my quest than I had prior to his illness or my dad's.
Now, one might expect since I had figured out these things, I would change and do it "right now." That I would plan my meals and exercise, that the self improvement I needed to take would turn around quickly. It didn't. The knowledge I had acquired was simply things I had known all along just did not admit to. I also knew I needed to have a different mind set. Perhaps, I didn't know "everything there was to know about diet and exercise." I began to think ,perhaps, the "experts" in weight loss were right. Perhaps, I did need to know that I would not starve and that I would become more fit simply by following a plan, and motivation could be helped with visual aids of some type. So....
I began a climb to follow my planned meal and my exercise routine. I started tracking what I ate, I planned before my meals. I set a regular time for my workout. I began to take care of me as well as I had my loved ones. Would I do this every day. No, I didn't make it very well the first few weeks of December but along with support from the teams, my "confessions", putting up visual reminders, I began the slow road to consistency.
Now for the past two weeks I have been successful and the weight is coming off and I am now below what I was when I first joined. Will I succeed? Well, I have found that contrary to what I first thought in October of 2007, I am NOT to old, age gives me wisdom, I need to use it. To late,? never to late as long as I have a god given breath. nor will it take To Long, perserverance will provde the success. To Tired? Wisdom tells me to rest my body and my mind, so, I will. For me, I find the key is to just plain stick with it and my precious friends that have so much in common with me on SparkPeople. I thank you for sticking with me and giving me that support I needed.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
I am BACK....its been weeks and weeks. My father became ill and it was necessary to care for him until his subsequent death. I haven't weighed and don't plan on doing so for awhile. I am sure I have gained. Living out of vending machines at the hospital for week or so. and/or eating meals that I would not eat if I were fixing them. But, I am glad that SP is still here that I can chart what I eat, rejoin teams, get support for what I need to do and provide support for others. I will NOT give up but "stick to it" I am struggling to get back to my normal routine now and I hope the adjustment is easy...I haven't been drinking fluids, nor did I get the sleep I truly needed but that is in the past and today is a new beginning for me.. I can do this.
Monday, July 23, 2007
I got on the scale today and still no loss. I am thinking my body may have decided this is the weight I should be at..but how can than be. It is mentally exhausting to keep trying to get the weight off ...I watch calories, carbs, fats etc etc. I exercise and still nothing. Granted I was ill a couple of weeks and I know my body would retain everything to the last possible moment as I don't eat when I am Ill.. But this is to the point of being ridiculous..One should be able to lose even a quarter of a pound weekly..and still nothing...I WANT TO GIVE UP... I WANT TO CRY.. I WANT TO GO YELL AT THE WORLD FOR THE PROBLEM I CAUSED.... Hmm, think I will simply go work out....and see what the rest of the day brings...
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