Monday, April 18, 2011
I am a complete creature of habit. I eat pretty much the same thing for every meal for months; until the season changes or Costco stops carrying a favorite item. The only exception to this is if I try a wonderful sample at Costco (can you tell I love Costco?) and need to try it. This usually lasts until I use up the three gallons of the new item and I revert to what I really like.
So this morning, as I measured my coffee creamer into a tablespoon, I got to wondering how much creamer I used BEFORE SPARK. I already feel like there is an imaginary line that I can cross with coffee creamer. Before you pass the creamer line, when there is too little, the coffee is terrible, but once you cross the creamer line, there can never be too much. I used to pour and pour that creamer in, overcompensating for my fear of not having enough but completely disregarding how much I was pouring in.
Not to self: come back to the fear of not having enough. Was I afraid of not having enough food?
So this morning, as I poured the So Delicious coconut milk creamer into my steaming dark roast French Press cup of coffee, I wondered, "How many calories were my coffees BEFORE SPARK?" Before spark, before spark, before knowing what I was putting in my body, before I realized the input/output thing, before I felt that it MATTERED. (That I mattered???)
Not to self: come back to the idea of me mattering. Why didn't I think I mattered?
I tried to remember what I used to eat. It was hard to remember. But it was also easy. (See previous thoughts on being a creature of habit.) I never tracked food when I wasn't consciously eating. I never analyzed my meals for their balance of proteins, carbs, and fat. I never thought about what fuel my body needed before a workout. I never gave a second of a though to how many carbs I was forcing into my body. I rationalized my daily whole pint of ice cream, or 6 margaritas, or seconds or thirds of enchiladas. I never looked at my consumption over a week, to see that EVERY DAY I was over/ under my goals (but I bet that I was never under back then.)
I just plugged in my regular day's foods into Spark. I entered what I used to eat. I am SURE it is lower than typical, though, because I never resisted free samples of any kind at Costco (hello cheesecake sample day!), I never thought twice about taking a Starbuck's run with a coworker, I never hesitated to stop on my way home from anywhere and grab some Ben and Jerry's Half Baked ice cream. So this food log represents a typical day, plus or minus probably 500 calories of snacks or other COMPLETELY MINDLESS EATING!
Okay, this is kinda small. Here's the breakdown: Calories 3,521; Carbs 466;
Fat 130; Protein 113
When I look at it, most of the foods are okay. I never ate fast food, even back then. But I also had way to many sweets, way too many simple carbs, and way too much total food considering my activity level.
What about you? What did you eat BEFORE SPARK? Can you even remember? Try to remember, track it and then delete it, as I did, but first take a look at what you DID eat B.S.
Haha, the funny thing is that B.S is an abbreviation for a cuss word. I guess that is appropriate, though, since I was negative and hurtful to myself B.S.
Now the time is A.S. After Spark. After I started taking care of myself. After I started MATTERING. Oh, and by the way, take a glance at my real ass. It looks great and is getting sexier daily.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Grrrrr, I made chocolate peanut butter tonight for my Sunday Nascar party (Tangent #1- Hehehe I don't even like Nascar!!) and tasted the mix sooo many times. I entered in my tracker that I had 3 TBSP of peanut butter which I hope covers it, but I am grumpy for not having better self control. To the party I am taking puff pastry filled with delicious peanutella, recipe from smittenkitchen dot com, so that I CAN'T EAT THEM! They have gluten. But that didn't stop me from tasting the creamy peanuts that I roasted and then ground into a liquid before adding powdered sugar and cocoa. Heaven in a jar, served on a spoon.
Dang it tasted good!
I shouldn't have had three servings worth. I should have limited the amount. I know, I stayed in my calorie goals for the day, but I am trying to build better habits into my life.
Oh, as I type this, I realize that the rest of my day was a success. I got in an hour of sweaty cardio at a solid aerobic heart rate, ate super clean for all of my other meals, and overall was healthy. So, for the day I made great decisions for 90% of the day. So maybe I AM making new habits. I can't expect all of my old habits to just magically disappear. (Tangent #2- Like my iPhone did at the gym today. I set it down in the locker room and then threw away my empty water bottle. Poof. Gone. Right now I'm without a phone at all because my contract with ATT is not up yet so I'd have to pay $500 bucks for a phone. Not in my budget right now.)
So, back to my habits. (Tangent #3- I often take tangents in my thinking. Life is one big web of interconnected ideas, isn't it? If you disagree, I think you must be weird.)
I DID practice my new habits. I will do them again tomorrow and shoot for 93% accuracy.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
I'm not sure what exactly to write about right now. Yesterday when I wrote, about half way into my writing is when I figured out what my point was. So today I am going to just start and see where this goes.
Today I pushed myself at the gym to do some high intensity sprints. As usual, my real sweat started at about 10 minutes. I was quick-walking at 4.3 and then sprinting for a minute at 9.5. It's really fast, even for me. I have long legs and all, but I have really been noticing lately that my legs aren't as firm as I would like. Firm as in strong. When I'm sprinting, I feel like my legs are a little out of control. Sure, I am going super fast, but I also don't have the control that I want over my legs.
So my refined goal for my body is to run with 100% control. I want my legs to function perfectly when I push them to their max. I want my lungs to fill and empty with ease. I want to stomp my feet, pound the treadmill, and feel no bounce from my arms, butt, or back. I want my firm body to carry me where I go.
I want my mind to be free of thinking about food, free from calculating what I ate and how many calories it has and how many meals I have felt in the day. I want to live like a kid again, excited about food and eating, although I do not want the childlike hesitation for trying new foods. I love vegetables and would never go back in that area. I want to live each day to its fullest and not be burdened by my negative thoughts about my body and its relationship with food.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Yeah, that doesn't work so well when the evidence actually transforms and shows up under my skin! Who was I fooling anyway? Just myself, but not anymore.
So this morning I weighed myself and actually had the scale go down. I have been eating restricted calories for two days now, and today is the third day of my new reality with food. For the first time in a long time, I actually got to choose a great snack to eat after my really moderate dinner. Toasted (GF) English muffin with peanut butter and some jam? Oh yes! That was my evening snack last night!
I remember watching the muffin toasting in the broiler. I know, it's kinda crazy to use the broiler, but my mom uses the regular toaster for regular bread, so I can't because of toast crumbs that could get me sick. As I watched the pure white surface of the muffin turn slowly to a caramel brown, I had a moment of peace with myself. I thought, "Wow, I am making myself a yummy and satisfying snack right now and I feel good about it." I'm not guilty about making this, hoping to eat it really quick so I can go into the guilt phase, hating myself once again for caving into my cravings.
Nope. None of those feelings.
I was feeling proud, calm, and powerful. I took the toasted muffin from the oven, measured my peanut butter, spread it across the top and was shocked at how thick it was! Yes! I get to eat this! I tracked it before deciding on it, and I knew that it was within my goals. As I walked into the living room, I had a contentment within myself. I wasn't embarrassed at all to be eating. I was proud to be eating. Eating that muffin meant that I had met my nutritional goals for the day and had been in control of my eating.
I can't wait till this is my habit, to be proud to eat, rather than embarrassed. I think I've got to do this for a month to make it a habit. 30 times, right? I can do it.
Monday, February 14, 2011
I realized today, while driving to the gym, that I am rarely hungry. I have a mental idea that it is 'time to eat' and therefore MUST eat, whether or not I'm hungry. I think this has contributed to my gradual weight gain since high school. I ate because society, or the clock, said it was time. But really, food is just fuel for the activities in my life. I am going to make a conscious effort to not eat just because it is time, but instead because I need nutrients. So far, I have been working hard the last two days on really watching my calories. Evening snacking has been a big part of my life, and I think it's because I thought, "Oh, it's night time, and I'm relaxing watching TV. I need to snack while doing this." Even when I think I'm hungry, it's really just a crazing. This stops today! That said, I did have a snack last night, but only because my calories were pretty low for the day. My snack was a nonfat homemade yogurt with half of a banana.
Portion size has also really been on my mind the last two days. I don't need to eat a whole anything just because it's there. A banana for example. I had half, which satisfied my craving for sweet and chewy, but also kept the calories and carbs okay. I've been measuring things today, too. I can't make it on intuitive measurements. I waaaay underestimate my portions. This is also giving me freedom, too. I don't feel guilty about the size of my scoop of cottage cheese. A half-cup is a great portion. So my anxiety is going down, now that I'm finding comfort in my reasonable calories.
So, here's to hunger. I hope I begin to feel more of it so that my body can take control of my eating instead of my mind. (I want to add that I'm embarrassed to never feel hunger, considering the starvation and malnutrition in our own country and around the world. I've seen first hand starvation in both Chicago and South Africa, and am terribly embarrassed to even admit that I never am hungry.)
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